Saturday, December 10, 2005


Here's a post from the Museum of Hoaxes about the definition of "Xenacate." It's original meaning was:

Xenacate, v.: To kill a TV or movie character off so completely that no chance remains of bringing her back from the dead. Inspired by the TV show Xena: Warrior Princess. Its occurrence usually indicates that the actor playing the character has lost her job under unpleasant circumstances and has no hope of being rehired.

but judging from the comments, the new definition is:

it primarily means killing a character off in an extremely violent and irreversible way. It only secondarily (and not in all cases) might suggest that the actor was fired.

Can anyone help?

I thought of Ricardo Montalban at the end of the Naked Gun. He is shot, falls from a stadium, is run over by a truck, a steam roller, and a marching band. George Kennedy surveyed the scene and sobbed, "My father went the same way."
Imagine the Spam

Walnut Hills, my old high school, had nude Greek statues in one of the hallways. Did graphic nudity warp my young mind or was it something else? One thing that I couldn't help but notice is that the guys weren't well endowed back in the day.

My only other real input about the average length of a penis was from letters to Penthouse's forum which put the normal penis at approximately 11 inches. This made me feel tremendously inadequate--I was almost half an inch shorter than most.

I haven't spent a whole lot of time on it but later I guessed that the teeny Greeks were the result of prudish sculptors, trying to de-emphasize something they couldn't realistically entirely remove.

I couldn't be more wrong. Tiny Greeks were the equivalent of the American foot-long.
A passage from Aristophanes sums up the most desirable masculine features: "a gleaming chest, bright skin, broad shoulders, tiny tongue, strong buttocks, and a little prick."
Greeks fought wars to prove who were the shortest.

Here's a full explanation.

If the Greeks had e-mail, what would clutter up their in-boxes? "Shrink your penis," "Have the smallest one on the block," "She'll need to invent the magnifying glass!"

In one of Kurt Vonnegut's novels, he states that the average penis is five and a half inches long. I guess the nice thing about modern America and ancient Greece is that nobody wants to be just average.
Groping Angels

Another goofy news story is the horny angel wrapping paper that was handed out by a Canadian movie theater. Not much of a story but when I was looking for a picture of the paper on-line, I found several outraged religious types who threatened to boycott (how many more boycotts until they can't spend their money on anything but Mel Gibson videos?) One holy fellow pointed out that "This isn't an accurate depiction of angels."

How would anyone know what an angel looks like? Even if you accept the Bible as definitive proof, various parts of the Bible describe angels in different forms and list several types of angels. No Biblical descriptions match the cutesy winged angels found in Christian bookstore windows (those look more like Cupid, god of erotic love). For this blasphemy, I'm boycotting Christian bookstores.

Here's what it looks like. I wouldn't have noticed anything except for the big deal the angry folk made.
Dry Ohio Counties

Dope opens bar in dry county.

This has been all over the news but what surprised me is that there are dry counties in Ohio. Driving through the south makes it clear that many areas ban store-bought liquor but I'd hoped that craziness ended at the Ohio River.

How do these places generate revenue without alcohol taxes? I'm guessing they make it up with speed traps.
Computer Pens

I'm sure many techies have seen this already but I was amazed at the size of these computers. How much smaller can they get before they're too small for comfort?
Shot by Police

On the heels of the mentally-ill man shot at the airport comes a dead chimp.

If all the facts are as they've been reported, I think the airport case was a tragedy but that the marshals were not in the wrong.

I worked a summer at the zoo and know chimps can be dangerous (one keeper had part of a finger bitten off) but have to wonder about the English police. Two orangutans escaped from the Columbus Zoo several years ago and Ohio police captured them (eventually) without incident (basis of one of Jack Hannah's books). Orangutans are more physically powerful than chimps (you don't want to mess with Dr. Zaius) so I wonder if the English shooting was necessary.

Here's a police shooting that's a little lighter.
New Ocean

Possible birth of a new ocean. I doubt if any of us will be around to surf on it but it changes projections of what the world will look like in the future.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Candid Camera meets Faces of Death

I'm sitting at the library waiting for my kids to quit piling up Yu-Gi-Oh DVDs. Devilboy just conked out for a nap and I'm balancing him, trying not to wake him up while typing.

But I had to add this link. I've always dreamed of doing something like this (although in a horror movie context). I'm surprised there hasn't been a When Pranks Go Horribly Wrong special on Fox.
Deadlier of the Species II

Yesterday when I was cleaning the hamster cages, one of the females made an amazing jump, landed near one of her brothers, and bit his eye out. They both started fighting and she bit off a piece of my fingertip when I put her back in her own cage (and weighed down the top). The male didn't seem to care that the side of his face was matted down with blood and that his eye was crusted over. He seemed fine today but I'll keep a watch on him.

I guess she wasn't quite as violent as O.J. but it scared the daylights out of me.
Murder and Blogging

Guess I shouldn't mention those six severed heads buried in the rose garden.

I saw a number of posts about this on Pseudojournalist but you'd think this is something even a sloppy killer would consider.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Did I Say "No Class"?

Whoops, I had one more regular NKU class. It was a cushy day on the classplan so it wasn't hard to get through.

NOW, it's just a matter of collecting final papers and grading.
Man Admits Guilt to Fatal Horse Sex

Remember the horribly disgusting case a few months back when the pervert was killed while having sex with a horse?

You can sleep easier knowing the man partially responsible is heading up the river.

Actually he just got a suspended license, a fine, and a few hours of community service but I wanted to throw in a "sleeps with the fishes" joke.

What community service would this guy be best suited for?
Future Darwin Award Winner

A man is dead. Why do I find it so funny?
Ho, Ho, Ho

A four-year old girl wanted to see mall Santa but her mom didn't want to spring for the $21 picture. In the spirit of the season, she was told to take a hike.

She should have kicked him in the crotch and pulled off his damn beard.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

No More Class

What do I and Mean Jean have in common?

I start receiving and grading final papers on Saturday. This will cut down on my blogging time but should partially restore my sanity.
Devilboy's Kryptonite?

(Set roughly 25 years in the future when I have enough energy to write a new Devilboy script)

Devilboy (growing to 75 feet tall a la Apache Chief from Superfriends): All mankind is doomed! Prepare for the portal of hell to be opened and Hell and Earth shall be one.

Person opposing DB, I don't know, let's say...Moe: This ought to stop ya! (throws object)

DB (screams, shrinking to microscopic size): My only weakness! Noooooooooo!!!

Moe (about to say something smug but--)

DB (bursts out of the earth, blasting lava from his eyes, reducing Moe to cinders): I like my peanut chunky style. . . chunky with the tortured flesh of my enemies! (laughs hysterically and vaporizes the world)

(Credits roll)

It cost $55 and two hours of my life but DB doesn't seem to be allergic to peanuts, pecans, almonds, or walnuts.

Years ago when I was tested for allergies, about the age of 12, they dabbed 42 solutions of different solutions (containing cat saliva, pollen, mold, peanuts, etc) on my arm and broke the skin beneath them with a needle. Only cat and ash tree pollen caused a reaction.

Knowing DB would never sit still for something that involved, they tried seven solutions on his back (one was a control that always causes a reaction and peanuts were tested twice). Only the control area broke out.

The doctor wants us to try more blood tests (which ought to be really fun) but DB's problem on Tuesday might be totally unrelated to peanuts. This could be the end of the world as we know it.