Truth in Hollywood
Review of Jonathan Vankin and John Whalen's Based on a True Story: Fact and Fantasy in 100 Favorite Movies
Since the object of this book was to separate fact from fiction, the first thing I tried to do was to find something they got wrong. One minor point was that they bought into the story that Michael Jackson tried to buy the remains of Joseph "Not John" Merrick, the Elephant Man. This is widely regarded as a hoax but the authors stated it as pure fact. Otherwise, it was pretty good.
Most of the movies they wrote about were fairly recent, several from 2003, although a few like The French Connection went back to the 70s. Texas Chainsaw Massacre isn't mentioned or is The Ten Commandments or even Fargo. It doesn't cover as many movies as Joseph Roquemore's History Goes to the Movies or write about them as insightfully as Mark C. Carnes Past Imperfect: History According to the Movies, but it was a fun read.
Some good points:
* The real Oskar Schindler didn't have a "character arc" like he did in the movie. Oskar, like most people, was a static character—he began helping Jews when he first came to Krakow, not after a moral epiphany. However many of the details, including the girl in red scene, were based on Oskar and other survivor's accounts. List-bashing was big when I was in grad school but I still think for whatever imperfections it had, it remains a powerful movie (considering other Oscar-winners of the era Gump, Titanic, The English Patient, I don't see the need to pick on this one).
* George S. Patton: "You can't run an army without profanity. An army without profanity couldn't fight its way out of a piss-soaked paper bag."
* The first Hollywood exploitation movie based on the Titanic was Saved from the Titanic, starring real-life survivor Dorothy Gilbson, released less than a month of the sinking.
* The von Trapp Family Singers actually escaped from Austria on a train. A regular train, just bought tickets and rode away without any Gestapo interference at all. Maria von Trapp noted that if they had crossed the mountains as presented in the movie, they would have walked directly into Germany.
* Most "innocent behind bars" have less to do with facts than marketing and/or politics. In Monster, director Patty Jenkins portrayed Aileen Wuornos as almost forced into becoming a serial killer. In real life, her planning and bragging about the murders is what did her in. Some true crime, like Peter Jackson's Heavenly Creatures, apparently stuck to the details but, while the book doesn't mention it, I'd think a documentary like Paradise Lost would almost always be more powerful than a reenactment.
I had a hard time placing the political bias until I got to the last review, Oliver Stone's JFK, which is described as "the most fact heavy movie in Hollywood history." Aha, the authors also wrote The 80 Greatest Conspiracies of All Time. I agree with the authors that Oliver Stone does take more flack for inaccuracies than other just-as-guilty directors but I don't believe that "there's never been a movie as viciously and unrelentingly flayed" or that the controversy generated by the "flaying" works in Stone's favor. The book came out in 2005, some of the material comes from 2004, and the authors reviewed Braveheart, The Patriot, and Gallipoli, so if flaying gets their interest, you'd think . . .
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
Death of Intelligent Design
Okay, the IDers claim that women's hips are too narrow for an infant to be born without intense pain and/or injury because God is paying them back for their great-to-the-power-of-six grandmother eating a piece of fruit.
Just one more nail in the coffin.
Republican Arnie Schwartzenhopper reasonably explains the basis of much human backpain on the fact that our backbones and the surrounding muscles develop in an arrangement best suited for four-legged animals. Arnie favors the explanation that we evolved from quadrupeds but IDers say it's because King David's second cousin-once-removed ate a forbidden french fry.
Okay, the IDers claim that women's hips are too narrow for an infant to be born without intense pain and/or injury because God is paying them back for their great-to-the-power-of-six grandmother eating a piece of fruit.
Just one more nail in the coffin.
Republican Arnie Schwartzenhopper reasonably explains the basis of much human backpain on the fact that our backbones and the surrounding muscles develop in an arrangement best suited for four-legged animals. Arnie favors the explanation that we evolved from quadrupeds but IDers say it's because King David's second cousin-once-removed ate a forbidden french fry.
Frogs and Toads
Know-it-alls often ask what's the difference between a frog and a toad and give you a smug explanation when you can't answer.
Scientifically, the difference between frogs and toads isn't so straightforward. Many anurans (members of the order of tailless amphibians) have characteristics of both toad and frog. Some have traits unlike either such as marsupial frogs.
The semantic problem came about because in Europe two of the most frequently encountered, and therefore named, anurans are Rana temporaria (the common European frog) and Bufo bufo (the common European toad). Because European languages had separate words for toad and frog, the difference spilt into scientific terminology. The varied anurans in the rest of the world were expected to fall in line behind the European species.
So the true difference between frogs and toads is largely artificial and we can blame any difficulties on the EU.
(Mattison, Chris. Frogs and Toads of the World. London: Blandford, 1992.)
Know-it-alls often ask what's the difference between a frog and a toad and give you a smug explanation when you can't answer.
Scientifically, the difference between frogs and toads isn't so straightforward. Many anurans (members of the order of tailless amphibians) have characteristics of both toad and frog. Some have traits unlike either such as marsupial frogs.
The semantic problem came about because in Europe two of the most frequently encountered, and therefore named, anurans are Rana temporaria (the common European frog) and Bufo bufo (the common European toad). Because European languages had separate words for toad and frog, the difference spilt into scientific terminology. The varied anurans in the rest of the world were expected to fall in line behind the European species.
So the true difference between frogs and toads is largely artificial and we can blame any difficulties on the EU.
(Mattison, Chris. Frogs and Toads of the World. London: Blandford, 1992.)
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Extraterrestrial
This is the second time I've tried to post this, thanks to Blogger issues, but "I'd be more excited about this if I got the National Geographic Channel."
This is the second time I've tried to post this, thanks to Blogger issues, but "I'd be more excited about this if I got the National Geographic Channel."
What's Up with Big Ben?
Aliens? Global warming? The IRA? Shoddy British mechanics? Whatever the reason, Big Ben took a 90 second break.
Why does this interest me? I have no idea.
Aliens? Global warming? The IRA? Shoddy British mechanics? Whatever the reason, Big Ben took a 90 second break.
Why does this interest me? I have no idea.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Bob McEwen
Apparently one of the Republicans aiming for Portman's seat is a neighbor of mine. He's put up flyers in the lobby and yard signs in every clump of grass for miles.
Here's his official web page.
The flyers say "Conservative/Pro-Life/Tax Cutter" and from what his web page says, he doesn't think the "Defense of Marriage Act" should have passed because "there never should have been a need for it."
I'm thinking of questions to ask him if I meet him: "If you outlaw abortion [which he'd only have indirect control], wouldn't that call for additional police? Wouldn't that raise taxes? How would forcing women to have children they don't want or can afford cut taxes? If you were thinking logically, wouldn't you want to buffer those two points on your ad?"
Apparently one of the Republicans aiming for Portman's seat is a neighbor of mine. He's put up flyers in the lobby and yard signs in every clump of grass for miles.
Here's his official web page.
The flyers say "Conservative/Pro-Life/Tax Cutter" and from what his web page says, he doesn't think the "Defense of Marriage Act" should have passed because "there never should have been a need for it."
I'm thinking of questions to ask him if I meet him: "If you outlaw abortion [which he'd only have indirect control], wouldn't that call for additional police? Wouldn't that raise taxes? How would forcing women to have children they don't want or can afford cut taxes? If you were thinking logically, wouldn't you want to buffer those two points on your ad?"
Saints
I've been trying to put together a book about saints. One of the books I read in research was Dom Basil Watkins's The Book of Saints. Here's a couple that stuck out:
Adolf of Osnabruck (1185-1224) - Bishop of Osnabruck in 1216. Nothing extraordinary in his lifetime (for a saint) but he became famous centuries after his death when little Hitler was named after him in 1889. I'm trying to write a commentary from A. of O.'s point of view. "Way to fucking ruin my namesake, asshole!"
Here's a piece of trivia that you'll probably never use--If a saint on horseback slaying a dragon is on a white horse, it's George. If the horse is red, it's Demetrius (the Peter Best of saintdom).
Two of the most inspirational saints:
Maximilian-Mary Kolbe (1894-1941) - Sheltered over 2,000 Jews after the German occupation of Poland before being sent to Auschwitz. There, he volunteered to take the place of a Jewish man with a family who was sentenced to be starved to death. Canonized in 1982 (that's 41 years after his death, as opposed to JPII who they want to canonize right now).
Damian-Joseph de Veuster (1840-1889) - Born in Tremelo, Belgium; went to Hawaii in 1864 (when it was an independent nation) and worked with the lepers who were deported to the island of Molokai. Working with them, he caught the disease and died of it 16 years later. Beautified in 1995. Inspirational man but never, ever change your name after his if you happen to live in West Memphis, Arkansas.
I was looking for "Jewish guilt" saints, ones who were canonized after being killed by Jews for secret rituals. The Church painted itself in a corner with these guys. Do they boot these saints and admit that the process is less than infallible or do they continue with a hoax so flimsy that the Nation of Islam occasionally sees through it?
I've been trying to put together a book about saints. One of the books I read in research was Dom Basil Watkins's The Book of Saints. Here's a couple that stuck out:
Adolf of Osnabruck (1185-1224) - Bishop of Osnabruck in 1216. Nothing extraordinary in his lifetime (for a saint) but he became famous centuries after his death when little Hitler was named after him in 1889. I'm trying to write a commentary from A. of O.'s point of view. "Way to fucking ruin my namesake, asshole!"
Here's a piece of trivia that you'll probably never use--If a saint on horseback slaying a dragon is on a white horse, it's George. If the horse is red, it's Demetrius (the Peter Best of saintdom).
Two of the most inspirational saints:
Maximilian-Mary Kolbe (1894-1941) - Sheltered over 2,000 Jews after the German occupation of Poland before being sent to Auschwitz. There, he volunteered to take the place of a Jewish man with a family who was sentenced to be starved to death. Canonized in 1982 (that's 41 years after his death, as opposed to JPII who they want to canonize right now).
Damian-Joseph de Veuster (1840-1889) - Born in Tremelo, Belgium; went to Hawaii in 1864 (when it was an independent nation) and worked with the lepers who were deported to the island of Molokai. Working with them, he caught the disease and died of it 16 years later. Beautified in 1995. Inspirational man but never, ever change your name after his if you happen to live in West Memphis, Arkansas.
I was looking for "Jewish guilt" saints, ones who were canonized after being killed by Jews for secret rituals. The Church painted itself in a corner with these guys. Do they boot these saints and admit that the process is less than infallible or do they continue with a hoax so flimsy that the Nation of Islam occasionally sees through it?
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Grossest Things My Pets Have Done
I forget where I mentioned it but on a blog a while back, I wrote about how a female pug tried to back through a screen door to forcibly mate with my dog. That hideous image made an impression on some other readers. However, that's not even the tip of the grossest things my pets have done over the years. I've had two dogs, four guinea pigs, about six lizards, a few hermit crabs, five mice, three birds, a newt, dozens of hamsters, gerbils, frogs, and fish, and taken care of my wife's cat. They're mostly all gone now but memories of their grossness remains.
10. Plastic-Eating Dog and Cat
My wife's cat eats any type of plastic or string he can reach. Unable to digest it, he pukes it up usually on the carpet. He especially likes colored Easter grass from kids' Easter baskets which come up swirled around in partially digested cat food like cotton candy from Hell.
My dog used to chew up and swallow heavy plastic things especially Frisbees. This too made him throw up. He also ate my girlfriend-at-the-time's make-up, favoring lipstick but taking anything he could swallow. The resulting vomit was blood red with chunks of dog food floating in it.
9. Frog-Eating Fish
A few years ago, my step-daughter collected hundreds of tadpoles from my aunt's fish pond. We took them home and dumped them all in a small aquarium. Within days, the first of the tadpoles changed into tree frogs so we let them loose in a nearby park (within a mile of my aunt's—no threat of spreading alien species).
The first non-amphibians that hatched from the water were red worms. The Internet said they were baby mayflies. Some grew up and died by the window pane; the rest the frogs ate.
Then I noticed a small dot in the water which grew into a tiny fish. I said it was a goldfish but my wife insisted it was something else. Soon it was apparent that it was indeed a goldfish and it loved frogs. Within a few days, only a couple of frog heads, eaten down to the spinal column were left floating in the tank. Every time I cleaned the tank, I would find more decomposing fragments of frog heads, legs, and indefinable hunks of flesh.
The fish is still swimming but only eats flakes anymore.
8. Gerbil-Eating Hamster
When I was in the fifth grade, I had a family of hamsters and gerbils. One night two gerbils gnawed out of their cage and dropped to one of the hamster cages, containing a young male.
The next morning, the hamster had stacked one of the gerbils in his food hoard and was eating the liver out of the other.
Moral: hamsters trump gerbils.
7. Dog Splits Eye Open
Back when I lived in Clifton, I often took my dog to Burnet Woods to let him run and chase a Frisbee (which I had to store out of reach to keep him from chewing it up). He liked to play tug of war with the Frisbee and kept such a strong grip on it that I could lift him off the ground and swing him around me, just holding on to my end of the Frisbee.
One day while doing this, he let go unexpectedly and my hand jerked back and struck me in the eye. Something split open and blood gushed through the inside of eye, getting under the lens (the lens of my eye; my contact lens was knocked somewhere in the grass).
It didn't do any permanent damage but from that point on, I just threw the Frisbee.
6. Toilet Drinking
My dog developed a taste for toilet water and soon caught on that while I would chase him away most of the time, when he heard the phone ring, it was toilet time. Back when I had a phone with a cord and no Caller-ID, I cringed whenever the phone rang. The dog would sprint to the toilet and start lapping.
Now I've learned to keep the seat and lid down on the toilet but when I forget the dog, or even more disturbing, the cat will drink from it. The cat is so hellbent on drinking that he's fallen in several times, afterwards runs around the house spraying toilet water.
5. Bird Grows Third Wing
My aunt used to teach Biology at Walnut Hills and one day a student caught a parakeet fluttering around the school. The administrators decided to give it to my aunt but because she was at lunch, they just shut it in her classroom. When she came back and opened the door, the bird began attacking.
It was so nasty that after a year of abuse, she gave it to me. After I let it fly free during the day, it gradually calmed down but was never tolerant of humans.
Most books say parakeets only live five to ten years. I kept the bird for eleven years and have no idea how old it was when it was first captured. Advanced age must have mutated its cells because it began to grow a third wing (or leg).
The wing wasn't fully feathered but was almost as half as long as a regular wings. It could move but wasn't nearly as mobile as a normal wing or leg.
The parakeet died while the extra limb was still growing. I have no idea if this was a weird tumor or mutation. However in the south, I am legally obligated to say, "Growing extra limbs is only a theory."
Spraying Dog
Besides lipstick and plastic, my dog tried to eat anything he could reach. One day I came home to find that he'd torn open a seven-pound bag of bird seed and was gulping it down. That was messy—I had to vacuum seeds from everywhere in the apartment—but the gross part didn't occur until the next day when the seeds passed through his digestive track.
Early in the morning he frantically whined by the door to go out. I took him outside and at the first patch of grass he could find, he hunched and shot out a huge volume of seeds. If you've ever seen a nature documentary of how fish expel millions of eggs, it looks something like that.
The recoil from the seeds forced him forward a few steps, then he stopped and blasted again, then again. The process was somewhat painful for him—he let out whiny yelps as he released—and he seemed ashamed of himself. Afterwards he crawled under a chair and whimpered for hours.
On some level he seemed to connect the seeds coming in with the seeds coming out because he never did anything like that again. (Although see number 2 and 1.)
3. Exo-Species Sodomy
Once when my then-girlfriend, now-wife had to visit her parents for a few weeks, I agreed to watch her cat. It's a big, orange Maine Cooncat and weighs about 20 pounds. He's the type of cat that people often refer to as being able to beat up dogs.
My dog was too big for him and instead took to beating up the cat. That would be bad enough but even though he's been neutered, his assaults went beyond purely physical.
Naturally I'd scream at the dog to stop but words were rarely enough. The cat soon replaced the toilet whenever the phone rang.
The cat went from loud and aggressive to sulking under chairs. I can't say I blame him.
2. Cat Shit Fight
I've read that hierarchy in wolf and dog packs isn't nearly as complex as in ape and human social units (not surprising). Instead of different levels of society having different rights and privileges, canines are more linear: Alpha dog gets everything Beta dog gets plus a little more; Beta dog gets everything Gamma dog gets plus a little more; Gamma dog gets everything Delta dog gets plus a little more, and so on.
To a dog this means if any member in the pack enjoys any sort of advantage that it doesn't have, that individual outranks him and the only way to move up the ladder is to fight.
When I started watching my wife's cat, my dog went hysterical whenever the cat used its litter box. The dog knew he wasn't allowed to crap inside and seeing the cat do it meant it must be punished (or that it outranked him). When I didn't respond, he would pick up the cat crap in his mouth, run to me, spit it at my feet, and bark excitedly. I didn't respond the way he thought I should, which in his mind meant the cat was now above him socially.
The next day as I was getting in the shower, I heard the dog bark. I looked up and he had the cat pinned in the hallway as if he was ready for another round of feline sodomy. I yelled at him to stop but he bit the cat in the back of the head and shook, the way dogs shake their prey to break their necks. Instead of jerking back and snapping the cat's spine, he let go at the last second and let his head crack against the hallway wall. I yelled at him while the cat twitched but he grabbed the cat's head and did it again.
I jumped out of the shower, chased him off the cat, and soon found that I was standing naked in front of an open window after shouting incoherently and chasing the dog around the room.
Helluva lot grosser than that pug, huh?
1. Three-Fold Catfood
As disturbing as the other things were they were nothing compared to this. Shortly after regaining status over the cat, my dog began eating cat crunchies. I got a cover for the litter box which helped a little but eating cat shit was like a badge of superiority for him.
To clean the litter box, my girlfriend had a hot pink plastic litter scooper. Not thinking much about it, I left it on top of the litter box's new cover. This must have awoken my dog's old appetite for plastic.
One night I came home and found the litter box knocked over, devoid of cat shit, and pieces of the chewed up scoop around the bathroom. This was too much for the dog's stomach and he threw up in the middle of the living room. He didn't look like he was finished so I snapped on his leash and dragged him outside.
When I came back, in the middle of the regurgitated cat shit, mixed with hot pink shreds of the litter scoop, was the cat, happily slurping up the lumpy goo.
The cat food had gone into the cat, out of the cat, into the dog, up from the dog, then back into the cat. Three times the value, ten thousand times the disgust.
I forget where I mentioned it but on a blog a while back, I wrote about how a female pug tried to back through a screen door to forcibly mate with my dog. That hideous image made an impression on some other readers. However, that's not even the tip of the grossest things my pets have done over the years. I've had two dogs, four guinea pigs, about six lizards, a few hermit crabs, five mice, three birds, a newt, dozens of hamsters, gerbils, frogs, and fish, and taken care of my wife's cat. They're mostly all gone now but memories of their grossness remains.
10. Plastic-Eating Dog and Cat
My wife's cat eats any type of plastic or string he can reach. Unable to digest it, he pukes it up usually on the carpet. He especially likes colored Easter grass from kids' Easter baskets which come up swirled around in partially digested cat food like cotton candy from Hell.
My dog used to chew up and swallow heavy plastic things especially Frisbees. This too made him throw up. He also ate my girlfriend-at-the-time's make-up, favoring lipstick but taking anything he could swallow. The resulting vomit was blood red with chunks of dog food floating in it.
9. Frog-Eating Fish
A few years ago, my step-daughter collected hundreds of tadpoles from my aunt's fish pond. We took them home and dumped them all in a small aquarium. Within days, the first of the tadpoles changed into tree frogs so we let them loose in a nearby park (within a mile of my aunt's—no threat of spreading alien species).
The first non-amphibians that hatched from the water were red worms. The Internet said they were baby mayflies. Some grew up and died by the window pane; the rest the frogs ate.
Then I noticed a small dot in the water which grew into a tiny fish. I said it was a goldfish but my wife insisted it was something else. Soon it was apparent that it was indeed a goldfish and it loved frogs. Within a few days, only a couple of frog heads, eaten down to the spinal column were left floating in the tank. Every time I cleaned the tank, I would find more decomposing fragments of frog heads, legs, and indefinable hunks of flesh.
The fish is still swimming but only eats flakes anymore.
8. Gerbil-Eating Hamster
When I was in the fifth grade, I had a family of hamsters and gerbils. One night two gerbils gnawed out of their cage and dropped to one of the hamster cages, containing a young male.
The next morning, the hamster had stacked one of the gerbils in his food hoard and was eating the liver out of the other.
Moral: hamsters trump gerbils.
7. Dog Splits Eye Open
Back when I lived in Clifton, I often took my dog to Burnet Woods to let him run and chase a Frisbee (which I had to store out of reach to keep him from chewing it up). He liked to play tug of war with the Frisbee and kept such a strong grip on it that I could lift him off the ground and swing him around me, just holding on to my end of the Frisbee.
One day while doing this, he let go unexpectedly and my hand jerked back and struck me in the eye. Something split open and blood gushed through the inside of eye, getting under the lens (the lens of my eye; my contact lens was knocked somewhere in the grass).
It didn't do any permanent damage but from that point on, I just threw the Frisbee.
6. Toilet Drinking
My dog developed a taste for toilet water and soon caught on that while I would chase him away most of the time, when he heard the phone ring, it was toilet time. Back when I had a phone with a cord and no Caller-ID, I cringed whenever the phone rang. The dog would sprint to the toilet and start lapping.
Now I've learned to keep the seat and lid down on the toilet but when I forget the dog, or even more disturbing, the cat will drink from it. The cat is so hellbent on drinking that he's fallen in several times, afterwards runs around the house spraying toilet water.
5. Bird Grows Third Wing
My aunt used to teach Biology at Walnut Hills and one day a student caught a parakeet fluttering around the school. The administrators decided to give it to my aunt but because she was at lunch, they just shut it in her classroom. When she came back and opened the door, the bird began attacking.
It was so nasty that after a year of abuse, she gave it to me. After I let it fly free during the day, it gradually calmed down but was never tolerant of humans.
Most books say parakeets only live five to ten years. I kept the bird for eleven years and have no idea how old it was when it was first captured. Advanced age must have mutated its cells because it began to grow a third wing (or leg).
The wing wasn't fully feathered but was almost as half as long as a regular wings. It could move but wasn't nearly as mobile as a normal wing or leg.
The parakeet died while the extra limb was still growing. I have no idea if this was a weird tumor or mutation. However in the south, I am legally obligated to say, "Growing extra limbs is only a theory."
Spraying Dog
Besides lipstick and plastic, my dog tried to eat anything he could reach. One day I came home to find that he'd torn open a seven-pound bag of bird seed and was gulping it down. That was messy—I had to vacuum seeds from everywhere in the apartment—but the gross part didn't occur until the next day when the seeds passed through his digestive track.
Early in the morning he frantically whined by the door to go out. I took him outside and at the first patch of grass he could find, he hunched and shot out a huge volume of seeds. If you've ever seen a nature documentary of how fish expel millions of eggs, it looks something like that.
The recoil from the seeds forced him forward a few steps, then he stopped and blasted again, then again. The process was somewhat painful for him—he let out whiny yelps as he released—and he seemed ashamed of himself. Afterwards he crawled under a chair and whimpered for hours.
On some level he seemed to connect the seeds coming in with the seeds coming out because he never did anything like that again. (Although see number 2 and 1.)
3. Exo-Species Sodomy
Once when my then-girlfriend, now-wife had to visit her parents for a few weeks, I agreed to watch her cat. It's a big, orange Maine Cooncat and weighs about 20 pounds. He's the type of cat that people often refer to as being able to beat up dogs.
My dog was too big for him and instead took to beating up the cat. That would be bad enough but even though he's been neutered, his assaults went beyond purely physical.
Naturally I'd scream at the dog to stop but words were rarely enough. The cat soon replaced the toilet whenever the phone rang.
The cat went from loud and aggressive to sulking under chairs. I can't say I blame him.
2. Cat Shit Fight
I've read that hierarchy in wolf and dog packs isn't nearly as complex as in ape and human social units (not surprising). Instead of different levels of society having different rights and privileges, canines are more linear: Alpha dog gets everything Beta dog gets plus a little more; Beta dog gets everything Gamma dog gets plus a little more; Gamma dog gets everything Delta dog gets plus a little more, and so on.
To a dog this means if any member in the pack enjoys any sort of advantage that it doesn't have, that individual outranks him and the only way to move up the ladder is to fight.
When I started watching my wife's cat, my dog went hysterical whenever the cat used its litter box. The dog knew he wasn't allowed to crap inside and seeing the cat do it meant it must be punished (or that it outranked him). When I didn't respond, he would pick up the cat crap in his mouth, run to me, spit it at my feet, and bark excitedly. I didn't respond the way he thought I should, which in his mind meant the cat was now above him socially.
The next day as I was getting in the shower, I heard the dog bark. I looked up and he had the cat pinned in the hallway as if he was ready for another round of feline sodomy. I yelled at him to stop but he bit the cat in the back of the head and shook, the way dogs shake their prey to break their necks. Instead of jerking back and snapping the cat's spine, he let go at the last second and let his head crack against the hallway wall. I yelled at him while the cat twitched but he grabbed the cat's head and did it again.
I jumped out of the shower, chased him off the cat, and soon found that I was standing naked in front of an open window after shouting incoherently and chasing the dog around the room.
Helluva lot grosser than that pug, huh?
1. Three-Fold Catfood
As disturbing as the other things were they were nothing compared to this. Shortly after regaining status over the cat, my dog began eating cat crunchies. I got a cover for the litter box which helped a little but eating cat shit was like a badge of superiority for him.
To clean the litter box, my girlfriend had a hot pink plastic litter scooper. Not thinking much about it, I left it on top of the litter box's new cover. This must have awoken my dog's old appetite for plastic.
One night I came home and found the litter box knocked over, devoid of cat shit, and pieces of the chewed up scoop around the bathroom. This was too much for the dog's stomach and he threw up in the middle of the living room. He didn't look like he was finished so I snapped on his leash and dragged him outside.
When I came back, in the middle of the regurgitated cat shit, mixed with hot pink shreds of the litter scoop, was the cat, happily slurping up the lumpy goo.
The cat food had gone into the cat, out of the cat, into the dog, up from the dog, then back into the cat. Three times the value, ten thousand times the disgust.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Hate Groups
Tracking Klan behavior? Worried about the Nation of Islam or Neo-Nazis? Tolerance.org has charted hate groups in Ohio, Kentucky, and the rest of the country.
I can't believe Ohio has more of the idiots than Virginia.
Tracking Klan behavior? Worried about the Nation of Islam or Neo-Nazis? Tolerance.org has charted hate groups in Ohio, Kentucky, and the rest of the country.
I can't believe Ohio has more of the idiots than Virginia.
Too Soft a Sentence?
I have to wonder if 20 days in jail for flashing a banana is appropriate. On the other hand, he had a record. But with a smiley face?
Why didn't he do what other attention-crazed nutjobs do? Troll blogs!
I have to wonder if 20 days in jail for flashing a banana is appropriate. On the other hand, he had a record. But with a smiley face?
Why didn't he do what other attention-crazed nutjobs do? Troll blogs!
End of the Constitution
I had a strange question in class: what's the end of the consitution called? After Article VII, we have:
Everybody knows the beginning is called the Preamble but is there a term for the last section or is it considered part of Article VII?
I had a strange question in class: what's the end of the consitution called? After Article VII, we have:
done in Convention by the Unanimous Consent of the States present the Seventeenth Day of September in the Year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and Eighty seven and of the Independence of the United States of America the Twelfth In witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names, [signatures]
Everybody knows the beginning is called the Preamble but is there a term for the last section or is it considered part of Article VII?
Just Asking
On Wednesdays I take my daughter to speech therapy and wait with Devilboy in the lobby. There's an old man who brings his grandson at the same time and have repeatedly overheard him talking to the therapists about the rapidly approaching end of the world. He's not just talking--he's got his own Rapture webpage (which I still can't find) and prints flyers about it.
I have to wonder that if you really thought the world was ending, would you worry about speech therapy? Are lisps barred from the pearly gates? Shibboleth, sibboleth!
On Wednesdays I take my daughter to speech therapy and wait with Devilboy in the lobby. There's an old man who brings his grandson at the same time and have repeatedly overheard him talking to the therapists about the rapidly approaching end of the world. He's not just talking--he's got his own Rapture webpage (which I still can't find) and prints flyers about it.
I have to wonder that if you really thought the world was ending, would you worry about speech therapy? Are lisps barred from the pearly gates? Shibboleth, sibboleth!
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Book Review and Goofy Stuff
I finally got a chance to read The Cincinnati Subway: History of Rapid Transit by Allen J. Singer, cousin to the illustrious Nathan Singer. I've heard of the subway system for years (Mike Resnick even incorporated them into his science fiction) but never had a context of them in Cincinnati history. My only criticism of the book is the font size; it's incredibly small and blurs for us old geezers with weak eyes.
A few weeks ago, I checked out What Ifs of American History, edited by Robert Cowley, in which various historians examine what might have happened if historical events occured differently. Some were border-line stale (what if Washington had been soundly defeated at the Battle of Long Island, what if Lee won at Gettysburg, what if the Cuban Missile Crisis led to WWIII, what if JFK hadn't been shot, what if Watergate never happened). Others were familiar with new twists (what if John Wilkes Booth's complete plans had worked, killing not just Lincoln but key members of his cabinet; what if Power's U-2 flight never flew; what if the Pilgrims landed in Virginia).
The ones that interested me the most were strange but possible. Apparently in 1896, the U.S. and England came close to war over colonization of South America. Andrew Roberts envisions a victorious U.S. (given Quebec as tribute) emerging in an early New World Order.Victor Davis Hanson imagines if Lew Wallace hadn't got lost on the way to Shiloh. He probably never would have written Ben Hur, rearranging American publishing and pop culture.
The most interesting was "The Revolution of 1877," which looks at a potential second Civil War that nearly started over poor working conditions. Literal class warfare could have torn the country to pieces. Thanks to the unsung Rutherford B. Hayes, it never happened but Hayes only became president after an election that made 2000 seem normal and clean.
Overall Eisenhower came out the best in assorted scenarios (it's left clear that without Joe McCarthy and his gang of idiots, Ike would have been a greater success) but John Tyler and William Pitt the Elder also come out smelling like roses.
All this gave me an idea about The Cincinnati Subway. Years ago, I read a parody by Phillip Jose Farmer that considered what Edgar Rice Burroughs's character of Tarzan would have been like if written by William Burroughs (it was first published in a porn magazine and Farmer estimated that less than 0.01% of the readers got the joke). But what if, instead of Allen J. Singer, Nathan Singer had written about the subway?
A Prayer for the Cincinnati Subway
Click.
Wednesday, January 28, 1920: This is truly a glorious age—a steam-shovel bites into the earth, and, to roaring applause, the Cincinnati Subway is born.
Cincinnati Subway, "Why couldn't I be someplace cool?"
Every joy, every sorrow, every wonder, every terror, every desire of the city lies hidden in its tunnels, in its history, in its construction, in its darkness. Do we embrace its glory . . . or do we simply lock it away?
Click
1905: Boss Cox gloats over his personal playground which is the city of Cincinnati. More than a mayor, Cox is a living maelstorm—all greed and lust flows through his pockets, swept into power by the unfortunate events of nearly twenty years ago.
Subway, "What has this got to do with me?"
Just wait.
Click
1884: Cincinnati riots. Following the conviction of one William Berner on a lesser charge of manslaughter, mobs convene on downtown Cincinnati, thirsting for blood.
Gatling guns tear into civilian flesh.
Fire licks into buildings, public and private.
The mob roars bloody anthems:
"Tear down the jailhouse! String up Berner!"
"Hear, hear!"
"Set City Hall afire!"
"Hear, hear!"
"Tear apart the jail brick by brick!"
"Amen!"
"Let's blow up Mt. Rushmore."
[uncomfortable silence]
"Um, it hasn't been built yet."
"Oh, right. Well, what about the Tyler Davidson Fountain in the square?"
"Not until 1929."
"Oh."
The morning after the great Cincinnati Courthouse riots, 56 men lay dead, blood congealed in fly-covered puddles, ashes and shards of glass mingled in the gutters. All was a lull until—
Click
1929: KER-BOOM!!!
"Oh dearest God! The fountain!"
The old Boss Cox Republican machine has fallen dead. New politicians vow to clean up the cesspool of corruption. Lost in the revolution was the Subway.
Subway, "Hello! Cars! Traffic! Don't worry about paying for things in the future. Just put some money in private accounts and the stock market will provide for everything."
Click
1962: After decades of plans and dreams, defeats and schemes, the fathers of the city bring a use to the Subway.
"If the Reds nuke us, we'll all go down and hide out."
Subway, "Even I think that's fucking stupid."
The provisions of the underground fallout shelter drift away with dust and vandals and erosion and time.
Click
2003: The Cincinnati Subway is alone, defaced, dismissed and largely forgotten, its tunnels still span the downtown streets, its doors bolted and barred, a dusty hell in a world of immortals. Press your ear against the asphalt and—if you're not run down by a bus—you'll hear the Subway's subterreanean wail.
Subway, "Wahhh!"
Forever incomplete, the Subway is an eternal child, but a child so hideous and deformed, her parents buried her beneath the earth, never to gaze upon the sun.
Subway, "Wahhh!"
No more shall the once—
Subway, "Hey, I just figured it out!"
What are you talking about?
Subway, "You're me! Me from the future."
Bet you didn't see that coming. Heavy mind-bending shit, huh?
Subway, "It's kinda like Titanic , how the old woman in the present is Kate Winslet in the past."
No, you stupid fucking idiot, it's nothing like Titanic . That was a crude narrative framing device, already dusty when Chaucer used it in Canterbury Tales . This is a post-modern thrash reinterpretation of not just the narrative process but the very nature of story-telling itself.
Subway, "Oh. You know, I really like Kate Winslet's breasts."
So do I. In fact, in a sense, they symbolize the situation here. Being an unfinshed construction, it should be easy to see that—
Click
I finally got a chance to read The Cincinnati Subway: History of Rapid Transit by Allen J. Singer, cousin to the illustrious Nathan Singer. I've heard of the subway system for years (Mike Resnick even incorporated them into his science fiction) but never had a context of them in Cincinnati history. My only criticism of the book is the font size; it's incredibly small and blurs for us old geezers with weak eyes.
A few weeks ago, I checked out What Ifs of American History, edited by Robert Cowley, in which various historians examine what might have happened if historical events occured differently. Some were border-line stale (what if Washington had been soundly defeated at the Battle of Long Island, what if Lee won at Gettysburg, what if the Cuban Missile Crisis led to WWIII, what if JFK hadn't been shot, what if Watergate never happened). Others were familiar with new twists (what if John Wilkes Booth's complete plans had worked, killing not just Lincoln but key members of his cabinet; what if Power's U-2 flight never flew; what if the Pilgrims landed in Virginia).
The ones that interested me the most were strange but possible. Apparently in 1896, the U.S. and England came close to war over colonization of South America. Andrew Roberts envisions a victorious U.S. (given Quebec as tribute) emerging in an early New World Order.Victor Davis Hanson imagines if Lew Wallace hadn't got lost on the way to Shiloh. He probably never would have written Ben Hur, rearranging American publishing and pop culture.
The most interesting was "The Revolution of 1877," which looks at a potential second Civil War that nearly started over poor working conditions. Literal class warfare could have torn the country to pieces. Thanks to the unsung Rutherford B. Hayes, it never happened but Hayes only became president after an election that made 2000 seem normal and clean.
Overall Eisenhower came out the best in assorted scenarios (it's left clear that without Joe McCarthy and his gang of idiots, Ike would have been a greater success) but John Tyler and William Pitt the Elder also come out smelling like roses.
All this gave me an idea about The Cincinnati Subway. Years ago, I read a parody by Phillip Jose Farmer that considered what Edgar Rice Burroughs's character of Tarzan would have been like if written by William Burroughs (it was first published in a porn magazine and Farmer estimated that less than 0.01% of the readers got the joke). But what if, instead of Allen J. Singer, Nathan Singer had written about the subway?
A Prayer for the Cincinnati Subway
Click.
Wednesday, January 28, 1920: This is truly a glorious age—a steam-shovel bites into the earth, and, to roaring applause, the Cincinnati Subway is born.
Cincinnati Subway, "Why couldn't I be someplace cool?"
Every joy, every sorrow, every wonder, every terror, every desire of the city lies hidden in its tunnels, in its history, in its construction, in its darkness. Do we embrace its glory . . . or do we simply lock it away?
Click
1905: Boss Cox gloats over his personal playground which is the city of Cincinnati. More than a mayor, Cox is a living maelstorm—all greed and lust flows through his pockets, swept into power by the unfortunate events of nearly twenty years ago.
Subway, "What has this got to do with me?"
Just wait.
Click
1884: Cincinnati riots. Following the conviction of one William Berner on a lesser charge of manslaughter, mobs convene on downtown Cincinnati, thirsting for blood.
Gatling guns tear into civilian flesh.
Fire licks into buildings, public and private.
The mob roars bloody anthems:
"Tear down the jailhouse! String up Berner!"
"Hear, hear!"
"Set City Hall afire!"
"Hear, hear!"
"Tear apart the jail brick by brick!"
"Amen!"
"Let's blow up Mt. Rushmore."
[uncomfortable silence]
"Um, it hasn't been built yet."
"Oh, right. Well, what about the Tyler Davidson Fountain in the square?"
"Not until 1929."
"Oh."
The morning after the great Cincinnati Courthouse riots, 56 men lay dead, blood congealed in fly-covered puddles, ashes and shards of glass mingled in the gutters. All was a lull until—
Click
1929: KER-BOOM!!!
"Oh dearest God! The fountain!"
The old Boss Cox Republican machine has fallen dead. New politicians vow to clean up the cesspool of corruption. Lost in the revolution was the Subway.
Subway, "Hello! Cars! Traffic! Don't worry about paying for things in the future. Just put some money in private accounts and the stock market will provide for everything."
Click
1962: After decades of plans and dreams, defeats and schemes, the fathers of the city bring a use to the Subway.
"If the Reds nuke us, we'll all go down and hide out."
Subway, "Even I think that's fucking stupid."
The provisions of the underground fallout shelter drift away with dust and vandals and erosion and time.
Click
2003: The Cincinnati Subway is alone, defaced, dismissed and largely forgotten, its tunnels still span the downtown streets, its doors bolted and barred, a dusty hell in a world of immortals. Press your ear against the asphalt and—if you're not run down by a bus—you'll hear the Subway's subterreanean wail.
Subway, "Wahhh!"
Forever incomplete, the Subway is an eternal child, but a child so hideous and deformed, her parents buried her beneath the earth, never to gaze upon the sun.
Subway, "Wahhh!"
No more shall the once—
Subway, "Hey, I just figured it out!"
What are you talking about?
Subway, "You're me! Me from the future."
Bet you didn't see that coming. Heavy mind-bending shit, huh?
Subway, "It's kinda like Titanic , how the old woman in the present is Kate Winslet in the past."
No, you stupid fucking idiot, it's nothing like Titanic . That was a crude narrative framing device, already dusty when Chaucer used it in Canterbury Tales . This is a post-modern thrash reinterpretation of not just the narrative process but the very nature of story-telling itself.
Subway, "Oh. You know, I really like Kate Winslet's breasts."
So do I. In fact, in a sense, they symbolize the situation here. Being an unfinshed construction, it should be easy to see that—
Click
Monday, May 23, 2005
No More Class
The NKU summer class is still up in the air but I just finished my last Monday UC Clermont English Composition II class. We met nine times (thanks to Memorial Day), averaged about five students a night (out of 12), and had only two students who turned in work on time.
One of the students told me tonight that he had a friend killed recently in Iraq. I hope no one would lie about it but I can see that becoming a new variation of "my grandma died." If I caught a student in a lie about that, I wouldn't feel bad about failing him.
The NKU summer class is still up in the air but I just finished my last Monday UC Clermont English Composition II class. We met nine times (thanks to Memorial Day), averaged about five students a night (out of 12), and had only two students who turned in work on time.
One of the students told me tonight that he had a friend killed recently in Iraq. I hope no one would lie about it but I can see that becoming a new variation of "my grandma died." If I caught a student in a lie about that, I wouldn't feel bad about failing him.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Possible Class
I might have a summer class but Norse Express (the official NKU web service) still says I don't. Yesterday the campus bookstore contacted me about a textbook for a class I'm not supposed to teach. The summer class I taught last year recharged my drive to keep teaching so I'll be happy if it turns out I have one but I wish they'd make up their minds.
Apparently some of the full-timers didn't fill their classes and are poaching from part-timers (at this level, it pays to have a union). If Priceline.com offers a good enough deal to one of them, maybe my class will come through. I doubt if they'll hurry on my account.
I might have a summer class but Norse Express (the official NKU web service) still says I don't. Yesterday the campus bookstore contacted me about a textbook for a class I'm not supposed to teach. The summer class I taught last year recharged my drive to keep teaching so I'll be happy if it turns out I have one but I wish they'd make up their minds.
Apparently some of the full-timers didn't fill their classes and are poaching from part-timers (at this level, it pays to have a union). If Priceline.com offers a good enough deal to one of them, maybe my class will come through. I doubt if they'll hurry on my account.
The Aristocrats
Does anyone know the joke called "The Aristocrats"? Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller and comedian Paul Provenza made a documentary of 101 comedians telling the joke in their own style.
George Carlin, Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Eric Idle, Gilbert Gottfried and (singled out as being most offensive) Bob Saget take turns telling it, which theoretically will provide insight to the creative process. (I have alerted Brad Thacker for an insider's pov.)
It's unrated (to avoid NC-17) due to language. Penn is advertising it with "No nudity. No violence. Unspeakable obscenity." No matter what they do, I'm sure some jackass will take his kids to see Mork and Whoopi and go screaming to the media.
Does anyone know the joke called "The Aristocrats"? Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller and comedian Paul Provenza made a documentary of 101 comedians telling the joke in their own style.
George Carlin, Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Eric Idle, Gilbert Gottfried and (singled out as being most offensive) Bob Saget take turns telling it, which theoretically will provide insight to the creative process. (I have alerted Brad Thacker for an insider's pov.)
It's unrated (to avoid NC-17) due to language. Penn is advertising it with "No nudity. No violence. Unspeakable obscenity." No matter what they do, I'm sure some jackass will take his kids to see Mork and Whoopi and go screaming to the media.
Voodoo and Scooby Doo
I took Devilboy's sister to a birthday party this morning and one of the parents brought up Scooby Doo on Zombie Island. She said she didn't like it because the monsters were presented as real and because of "voodoo stuff."
I'm with her on the real monsters angle--having real ghosts in Scooby Doo (important real ghosts, not like the haunted bone at the end of "What a Night for a Fright") is like having the Amazing Randi endorse a psychic hotline.
But technically the bad guys in Zombie Island weren't using voodoo. They were using magic from their "Louisiana Cat God" which was similar to voodoo but without the loa and everything else that makes voodoo interesting.
I didn't mention it to her. I try to save this stuff for the web.
I took Devilboy's sister to a birthday party this morning and one of the parents brought up Scooby Doo on Zombie Island. She said she didn't like it because the monsters were presented as real and because of "voodoo stuff."
I'm with her on the real monsters angle--having real ghosts in Scooby Doo (important real ghosts, not like the haunted bone at the end of "What a Night for a Fright") is like having the Amazing Randi endorse a psychic hotline.
But technically the bad guys in Zombie Island weren't using voodoo. They were using magic from their "Louisiana Cat God" which was similar to voodoo but without the loa and everything else that makes voodoo interesting.
I didn't mention it to her. I try to save this stuff for the web.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Scooby Doo Review
Yeah, this is just what you need-- long reviews of the full-length Scooby Doo movies. In case you're remotely interested, read on:
I haven't seen all of the Scooby Doo movies but I've probably sat through more than anyone who doesn't have kids (or doesn't live in a parental unit's basement). We've got DVDs for the first two seasons of Scooby Doo, Where Are You? (the good episodes) and the first installment of The New Scooby Doo Movies (the series where they team up with the Harlem Globetrotters, Batman, the Three Stooges, Speed Buggy, and washed-up real celebrities). I'll try to review those soon but here's the stand-alone movies starring Scooby Doo:
Live Action
Scooby Doo (the live action movie) 2002
Appearance by Scrappy: Yes (but actually one of the high points of the movie)
Romance: Shaggy & Mary Jane (rehash of an old animated character); Fred and Daphne; Velma and some guy in a Led Zeppelin shirt
Scully/Mulder: about 90% Mulder
Monsters: Assorted purple dog-demons, Scrappy, Luna Ghost (introduction only)
Kinky sex: Director Raja Gosnell is the kiddie version of Russ Meyer—to appear in his movies, a woman must exhibit enormous hooters (extras, Velma, Shaggy's love interest, Pamela Anderson) with the exception of Daphne (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar). Most porn flicks don't linger so much on cleavage. Plus, for transgendered fun, Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, and Velma repeatedly switch bodies and sexes (while in Daphne's body, Fred wants to look at himself naked).
Only a matter of minutes into the story, Pamela Anderson makes an appearance playing herself, setting the tone for the rest of the movie—fart jokes for kids, massive jugs for aging male Gen-xers. Rowan Atkinson's gives least funny performance of his life (although he's still the best thing in the movie). Freddie Prinze Jr. plays Fred as a narcissistic idiot who tried to compliment Velma by telling her she "turns him on" (more the fault of the writer and director than the actor). Of the cast, Matthew Lillard does an amazing job as Shaggy, and the CGI Scooby works well, but the rest of the cast acts like they won their roles in a poker game.
Scooby Doo II: Monsters Unleashed 2004
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Fred and Daphne; Velma and Seth Green (no sign of Mary Jane or the guy in the Zeppelin shirt)
Scully/Mulder: A decent blend of both
Monsters: The Black Knight, the Tar Monster, the Pterodactyl Ghost, the 10,000 Volt Ghost, Captain Cutler, the Zombie (from "Which Witch is Which"), Miner Forty-Niner, and more.
Kinky sex: Continuing with director Raja Gosnell's adoration of cleavage and transsexual transformations, plenty of stacked extras, and Shaggy drinks a potion and changes into a "chick" from the neck down (yes, a very well-endowed chick)
After the horrible first Star Trek movie, the director of the sequel went back to the original series and revived old characters hellbent on revenge. Raja Gosnell (or someone on his staff) did the same with the live action Scooby sequel, and while Monsters Unleashed is no Wrath of Khan, it's infinitely better than the first movie. The premise is that Coolsville (the city where Scooby lives, for you uninitiated) build a museum in honor of all the fake ghosts the gang has busted. A mystery man crashed the museum's opening, vows revenge, and brings the old monsters to life. Along the way, Shaggy and Scooby investigate a hangout for their old villains including Redbeard and the original Black Ghost.
Not a great movie but much, much better than the first.
New and Improved Scooby
Scooby Doo on Zombie Island 1998
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Scully/Mulder: 85% Mulder (Daphne uses the word "skeptic" as an insult)
Romance: A maid hits on Fred; Daphne flirts with the gardener
Monsters: Zombies, ghosts, cat creatures, pirates, lots of fakes (intro. only)
Kinky sex: Women (and old man) turn into giant cats (appealing to Furries, I guess)
After the team breaks up (same premise of the live action movie), they are drawn together to investigate what appears to be real monsters on a remote island. At night zombies begin to rise from the swamp. Instead of typical zombies, these undead actually had character and included fat tourists in Hawaiian shirts and cameras around their necks, Chicago mobsters, pirates, and soldiers from the Civil War. In the end, the zombies turn out to be good guys, trying to protect the gang from the real villains, cat/human creatures in thrall to their cat god (apparently French colonists of Louisiana worshiped pagan cat gods. . . just like Pat Robertson says).
This was the first "monsters are real" and updates the gang's clothes and model of their van. Nothing to write home about but better than the live action version. Mark Hamill did the voice talent for one of the characters, always a plus.
Scooby Doo and the Witches Ghost 1999
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Scully/Mulder: 60% Mulder
Romance: Nothing much
Monster: fake witch; real witch and warlock
Kinky sex: Voice talent by Tim Currie; Hex Girls (goth girl rock group)
The story: as a publicity stunt, a town conspires to fake a ghost based on a local witch. It backfires when the real ghost shows up.
The most notable thing about Witch's Ghost is its depiction of Wiccans. Wiccans are repeatedly described as good and noble, contrasted to the evil witch. Okay, I'm normally cool with that, but here Wicca is treated as a race, with one of the characters described as "one-fourth Wiccan on my mother's side." Am I one-quarter Episcopalian on my father's side? I got the impression that the writers wanted to appease Wiccans into not protesting the negative portrayal of witch but didn't want to actually spend any time on research. I can understand—I didn't spend any time on research for these reviews but I'm not getting paid for this.
Scooby Doo and the Alien Invaders 2000
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Shaggy and Crystal (hippy chick he meets); Scooby and Amber (her dog)
Scully/Mulder: Blend of both
Monster: fake aliens; real aliens; jackalope
Kinky sex: Shaggy envisions a tie-dye wedding to Crystal with a resulting Shaggy Jr. and puppies; old timer describes his probing by aliens
Probably the best "updated" Scooby movies, the gang's van breaks down in the middle of the desert near a town heavily trafficked by aliens. Both Mark Hamill and -- (the guy who does Dale in King of the Hill) provide voice talent. The key plot point is Shaggy's romance which leads him to burst into song, "I met a girl who says ‘Groovy.'"
Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase 2001
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Nothing much
Scully/Mulder: 90% Mulder
Monster: sentient computer virus; the Gator Ghoul, the Creeper, the Tar Monster, Jaguaro, and shark-surfing Iron Face.
Kinky sex: Scooby and gang are transported into a computer game, presumably with Internet access.
The premise is weak: Trapped in a computer game based on their old adventures, the gang needs to complete all ten levels to escape. The first nine are uninspired but the last brings them back to the old soda shop where they meet retro-versions of themselves and their old foes mentioned above. Maybe I'm more nostalgic than most but this made the whole thing worthwhile.
Retro Movies
Scooby Doo and the Legend of the Vampire 2003
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Minor flirting
Scully/Mulder: 99% Scully
Monster: Australian Bunyip which in folklore is a type of aquatic demon but presented here as a kind of vampire overlord; vampires
Kinky sex: Hex girls reappear
The first of the retro-episodes. The Mystery SUV is gone, replaced by the classic look. The clothes are back to the old style (with a slight change for Fred) and most importantly the monsters are back to being guys in masks. It was a break to get rid of the updated looks and lose the "monsters are real" motif but the solution to the mystery is so convoluted, it makes Murder by Death seem straight-forward.
After monkeying around for a replacement voice for Scooby Doo (Don Messick, the original voice, passed on a while back), HB had limited degrees of success. With Vampire, Frank Welker, arguably the greatest voice talent in the history of animation, takes over. Casey Kasem is back for the voice of Shaggy. Their commentary on the DVD is far better than the actual movie.
Scooby Doo and the Monster of Mexico 2003
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Not among the gang
Scully/Mulder: 100% Scully
Monster: chupacabra (which looks more like Bigfoot than cryptozoologist's descriptions); assorted Aztec gods and animal; fat guy in skeleton costume
Kinky sex: Daphne kidnaped and almost sacrificed in Aztec temple
A few funny moments but mainly blehh. Not terrible, just there (think The New Scooby Doo Show before the appearance of Scrappy but after Scooby Dum). It does point out a real-life fact that many cryptozoologists have failed to grasp—that Nessie, Bigfoot, the Yeti, and many other "real" monsters at least have roots in folklore, but the chupacabra popped up in recent times, probably the result of bad acid.
Scooby Doo and the Loch Ness Monster
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Nothing special
Scully/Mulder: 80% Scully
Monster: Nessie (duh)
Kinky sex: Uh, men in kilts?
One of the better retro-episodes, the gang visit Daphne's relatives in Scotland. Her family is desperately trying to shake their reputations. It seems it's not just Daph who is disaster-prone—it's the whole family. The gang is joined by a Kevin Smith-like character who rides around in a Mystery Machine knockoff, the Loch Ness Monster Machine. Although the monster menacing Daphne's family is proven to be fake, Velma and other characters give credence the idea of a real monster (which Scooby alone sees at the very end).
Aloha Scooby Doo 2005
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Not that I recall
Scully/Mulder: 100% Scully
Monster: Big Hawaiian monster, lots of little Hawaiian monsters, volcano
Kinky sex: You'd think with everyone on the beach and threatened with imminent death something would come up, but no.
Continuing with the bleh-level cartoons, Aloha will entertain kids for a few viewings before they get sick of it. Again, a couple of good jokes but not enough to make you open your wallet.
Old Movies
Scooby Doo Meets the Boo Brothers
Appearance by Scrappy: Yes
Scully/Mulder: 100% Mulder
Romance: Not that I remember
Monsters: Lots of lame ones
Kinky sex: Nothing so enjoyable
So bad I couldn't watch more than ten minutes. From what I saw, Scrappy leads Shaggy and Scooby around a haunted house. The second-worst of the Scooby series. I saw about an equal amount of Scooby Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf (where Dracula turns Shaggy into a werewolf to force him to join an all-monster car race) but it was just bad, not hideously offensive like Scrappy and the Boo Brothers.
Scooby Doo Goes Hollywood 1979
Appearance by Scrappy: No (but so bad that Scrappy would have actually helped)
Romance: None
Scully/Mulder: Neither—nothing paranormal (beyond talking dog)
Monsters: Nothing really
Kinky sex:Only for intense masochists
This is one of the worst cartoons ever made (and I saw The Care Bear Movie). The premise is that Scooby wants to quit working on his old show to become a big star. He and Shaggy send horrible parodies of Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, The Love Boat, and assorted other pieces of crap to a television exec. Lots and lots of really bad songs.
Yeah, this is just what you need-- long reviews of the full-length Scooby Doo movies. In case you're remotely interested, read on:
I haven't seen all of the Scooby Doo movies but I've probably sat through more than anyone who doesn't have kids (or doesn't live in a parental unit's basement). We've got DVDs for the first two seasons of Scooby Doo, Where Are You? (the good episodes) and the first installment of The New Scooby Doo Movies (the series where they team up with the Harlem Globetrotters, Batman, the Three Stooges, Speed Buggy, and washed-up real celebrities). I'll try to review those soon but here's the stand-alone movies starring Scooby Doo:
Live Action
Scooby Doo (the live action movie) 2002
Appearance by Scrappy: Yes (but actually one of the high points of the movie)
Romance: Shaggy & Mary Jane (rehash of an old animated character); Fred and Daphne; Velma and some guy in a Led Zeppelin shirt
Scully/Mulder: about 90% Mulder
Monsters: Assorted purple dog-demons, Scrappy, Luna Ghost (introduction only)
Kinky sex: Director Raja Gosnell is the kiddie version of Russ Meyer—to appear in his movies, a woman must exhibit enormous hooters (extras, Velma, Shaggy's love interest, Pamela Anderson) with the exception of Daphne (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar). Most porn flicks don't linger so much on cleavage. Plus, for transgendered fun, Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, and Velma repeatedly switch bodies and sexes (while in Daphne's body, Fred wants to look at himself naked).
Only a matter of minutes into the story, Pamela Anderson makes an appearance playing herself, setting the tone for the rest of the movie—fart jokes for kids, massive jugs for aging male Gen-xers. Rowan Atkinson's gives least funny performance of his life (although he's still the best thing in the movie). Freddie Prinze Jr. plays Fred as a narcissistic idiot who tried to compliment Velma by telling her she "turns him on" (more the fault of the writer and director than the actor). Of the cast, Matthew Lillard does an amazing job as Shaggy, and the CGI Scooby works well, but the rest of the cast acts like they won their roles in a poker game.
Scooby Doo II: Monsters Unleashed 2004
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Fred and Daphne; Velma and Seth Green (no sign of Mary Jane or the guy in the Zeppelin shirt)
Scully/Mulder: A decent blend of both
Monsters: The Black Knight, the Tar Monster, the Pterodactyl Ghost, the 10,000 Volt Ghost, Captain Cutler, the Zombie (from "Which Witch is Which"), Miner Forty-Niner, and more.
Kinky sex: Continuing with director Raja Gosnell's adoration of cleavage and transsexual transformations, plenty of stacked extras, and Shaggy drinks a potion and changes into a "chick" from the neck down (yes, a very well-endowed chick)
After the horrible first Star Trek movie, the director of the sequel went back to the original series and revived old characters hellbent on revenge. Raja Gosnell (or someone on his staff) did the same with the live action Scooby sequel, and while Monsters Unleashed is no Wrath of Khan, it's infinitely better than the first movie. The premise is that Coolsville (the city where Scooby lives, for you uninitiated) build a museum in honor of all the fake ghosts the gang has busted. A mystery man crashed the museum's opening, vows revenge, and brings the old monsters to life. Along the way, Shaggy and Scooby investigate a hangout for their old villains including Redbeard and the original Black Ghost.
Not a great movie but much, much better than the first.
New and Improved Scooby
Scooby Doo on Zombie Island 1998
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Scully/Mulder: 85% Mulder (Daphne uses the word "skeptic" as an insult)
Romance: A maid hits on Fred; Daphne flirts with the gardener
Monsters: Zombies, ghosts, cat creatures, pirates, lots of fakes (intro. only)
Kinky sex: Women (and old man) turn into giant cats (appealing to Furries, I guess)
After the team breaks up (same premise of the live action movie), they are drawn together to investigate what appears to be real monsters on a remote island. At night zombies begin to rise from the swamp. Instead of typical zombies, these undead actually had character and included fat tourists in Hawaiian shirts and cameras around their necks, Chicago mobsters, pirates, and soldiers from the Civil War. In the end, the zombies turn out to be good guys, trying to protect the gang from the real villains, cat/human creatures in thrall to their cat god (apparently French colonists of Louisiana worshiped pagan cat gods. . . just like Pat Robertson says).
This was the first "monsters are real" and updates the gang's clothes and model of their van. Nothing to write home about but better than the live action version. Mark Hamill did the voice talent for one of the characters, always a plus.
Scooby Doo and the Witches Ghost 1999
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Scully/Mulder: 60% Mulder
Romance: Nothing much
Monster: fake witch; real witch and warlock
Kinky sex: Voice talent by Tim Currie; Hex Girls (goth girl rock group)
The story: as a publicity stunt, a town conspires to fake a ghost based on a local witch. It backfires when the real ghost shows up.
The most notable thing about Witch's Ghost is its depiction of Wiccans. Wiccans are repeatedly described as good and noble, contrasted to the evil witch. Okay, I'm normally cool with that, but here Wicca is treated as a race, with one of the characters described as "one-fourth Wiccan on my mother's side." Am I one-quarter Episcopalian on my father's side? I got the impression that the writers wanted to appease Wiccans into not protesting the negative portrayal of witch but didn't want to actually spend any time on research. I can understand—I didn't spend any time on research for these reviews but I'm not getting paid for this.
Scooby Doo and the Alien Invaders 2000
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Shaggy and Crystal (hippy chick he meets); Scooby and Amber (her dog)
Scully/Mulder: Blend of both
Monster: fake aliens; real aliens; jackalope
Kinky sex: Shaggy envisions a tie-dye wedding to Crystal with a resulting Shaggy Jr. and puppies; old timer describes his probing by aliens
Probably the best "updated" Scooby movies, the gang's van breaks down in the middle of the desert near a town heavily trafficked by aliens. Both Mark Hamill and -- (the guy who does Dale in King of the Hill) provide voice talent. The key plot point is Shaggy's romance which leads him to burst into song, "I met a girl who says ‘Groovy.'"
Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase 2001
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Nothing much
Scully/Mulder: 90% Mulder
Monster: sentient computer virus; the Gator Ghoul, the Creeper, the Tar Monster, Jaguaro, and shark-surfing Iron Face.
Kinky sex: Scooby and gang are transported into a computer game, presumably with Internet access.
The premise is weak: Trapped in a computer game based on their old adventures, the gang needs to complete all ten levels to escape. The first nine are uninspired but the last brings them back to the old soda shop where they meet retro-versions of themselves and their old foes mentioned above. Maybe I'm more nostalgic than most but this made the whole thing worthwhile.
Retro Movies
Scooby Doo and the Legend of the Vampire 2003
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Minor flirting
Scully/Mulder: 99% Scully
Monster: Australian Bunyip which in folklore is a type of aquatic demon but presented here as a kind of vampire overlord; vampires
Kinky sex: Hex girls reappear
The first of the retro-episodes. The Mystery SUV is gone, replaced by the classic look. The clothes are back to the old style (with a slight change for Fred) and most importantly the monsters are back to being guys in masks. It was a break to get rid of the updated looks and lose the "monsters are real" motif but the solution to the mystery is so convoluted, it makes Murder by Death seem straight-forward.
After monkeying around for a replacement voice for Scooby Doo (Don Messick, the original voice, passed on a while back), HB had limited degrees of success. With Vampire, Frank Welker, arguably the greatest voice talent in the history of animation, takes over. Casey Kasem is back for the voice of Shaggy. Their commentary on the DVD is far better than the actual movie.
Scooby Doo and the Monster of Mexico 2003
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Not among the gang
Scully/Mulder: 100% Scully
Monster: chupacabra (which looks more like Bigfoot than cryptozoologist's descriptions); assorted Aztec gods and animal; fat guy in skeleton costume
Kinky sex: Daphne kidnaped and almost sacrificed in Aztec temple
A few funny moments but mainly blehh. Not terrible, just there (think The New Scooby Doo Show before the appearance of Scrappy but after Scooby Dum). It does point out a real-life fact that many cryptozoologists have failed to grasp—that Nessie, Bigfoot, the Yeti, and many other "real" monsters at least have roots in folklore, but the chupacabra popped up in recent times, probably the result of bad acid.
Scooby Doo and the Loch Ness Monster
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Nothing special
Scully/Mulder: 80% Scully
Monster: Nessie (duh)
Kinky sex: Uh, men in kilts?
One of the better retro-episodes, the gang visit Daphne's relatives in Scotland. Her family is desperately trying to shake their reputations. It seems it's not just Daph who is disaster-prone—it's the whole family. The gang is joined by a Kevin Smith-like character who rides around in a Mystery Machine knockoff, the Loch Ness Monster Machine. Although the monster menacing Daphne's family is proven to be fake, Velma and other characters give credence the idea of a real monster (which Scooby alone sees at the very end).
Aloha Scooby Doo 2005
Appearance by Scrappy: No
Romance: Not that I recall
Scully/Mulder: 100% Scully
Monster: Big Hawaiian monster, lots of little Hawaiian monsters, volcano
Kinky sex: You'd think with everyone on the beach and threatened with imminent death something would come up, but no.
Continuing with the bleh-level cartoons, Aloha will entertain kids for a few viewings before they get sick of it. Again, a couple of good jokes but not enough to make you open your wallet.
Old Movies
Scooby Doo Meets the Boo Brothers
Appearance by Scrappy: Yes
Scully/Mulder: 100% Mulder
Romance: Not that I remember
Monsters: Lots of lame ones
Kinky sex: Nothing so enjoyable
So bad I couldn't watch more than ten minutes. From what I saw, Scrappy leads Shaggy and Scooby around a haunted house. The second-worst of the Scooby series. I saw about an equal amount of Scooby Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf (where Dracula turns Shaggy into a werewolf to force him to join an all-monster car race) but it was just bad, not hideously offensive like Scrappy and the Boo Brothers.
Scooby Doo Goes Hollywood 1979
Appearance by Scrappy: No (but so bad that Scrappy would have actually helped)
Romance: None
Scully/Mulder: Neither—nothing paranormal (beyond talking dog)
Monsters: Nothing really
Kinky sex:Only for intense masochists
This is one of the worst cartoons ever made (and I saw The Care Bear Movie). The premise is that Scooby wants to quit working on his old show to become a big star. He and Shaggy send horrible parodies of Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, The Love Boat, and assorted other pieces of crap to a television exec. Lots and lots of really bad songs.
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