Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Devilboy vs. Chickenpox

We now join Evil Dad who, in the middle of cleaning the fish tank, was phoned by Devilboy's school about a chickenpox attack.

Evil Dad (rushing into School Nurse's office): I'm here! Hey, this place is hardly messed up at all. I guess chickenpox has a calming effect.

Nurse: This is the main health office. You're looking for the Early Childhood Office (points to now smoking rubble down the hall)

ED: Do'h!

(runs down hall)

ED: Devilboy! Don't swallow that filing cabinet!

Devilboy: Urk? (leaps at Evil Dad)

ED: Stop! The doctor said you shouldn't bite off that finger!

Other Nurse: We noticed the pox and called you right over. He's highly contagious.

ED: But he had his vaccination. He only killed seven doctors that day.

ON: Children sometimes still get chicken pox despite the vaccine. You can't blame anybody... unless you're the superstitious type who believes in plague demons.

(Devilboy's eyes glow red.)


(Minutes later)

ED: Come out! I know you're in there!

Pazuzu: Who dares command the demon of the southwest winds? For I am--oh shit, it's that kid!

ED: As you can see, we're not in a good mood right now (Devilboy twists Pazuzu's head around backwards), so I'll get to the point: why'd you give Devilboy the pox?

P: It wasn't me. After Peter Blatty, I gave that stuff up. Sure, I might have passed Paris Hilton the clap but who hasn't? It must of been one of them pagan deities or Pat Buchanan or somebody.

ED: I'm warning you (Devilboy vomits on Pazuzu's slippers) if you lied to me, you're gonna need a whole new set of priests.

P: I swear. Check out Sopona! He's always bragging about all the pestilence he spreads.

(At Sopona's beach house)

ED: Open up! It's time for a little deicide!

Sopona: Ey, mon! What you be jabbering to I and I for?

ED: Shut up! I know you grew up in Queens.

S: The accent's good for chicks.

ED: You won't need to worry about that any more! You gave Devilboy chickenpox!

S: Oh, you're thinking of Sagbata, pox god of the Fon! I'm Sopona, pox god of the Yoruba.

ED: Oh, yeah. Well, if you're not telling--hey, why is Devilboy so mellow?

S: My brownies!

(After Sagbata, Azo, Reshef and Horon, and Xi Wang Mu)

ED: Well, this is it. If this isn't the right plague god, I'm going home. (rings bell)

Martha Stewart: Yes, can--oh, you? Did you like the chickenpox I sent your brat?

ED: Get her, Devilboy!

MS (laughs as Devilboy hits invisible barrier): You'll never break my tastefully textured evil force field.

ED: If it's invisible, why do you care about the texture?

MS: Philistine!

ED: We might as well give up. We've never encountered such evil before. (A squad of police cars pulls up)

MS: Heh, heh. Did I mention I called the fuzz?

Cop: We had reports of a distur--what's this! (Points to brownies on Martha's patio furniture) Looks like little miss stock-cheat baked up some Dolly Madison weed wasters!

MS: It's not mine! It's that Devilboy's!

Cop: And blaming an innocent child. This time we're locking you with a biker whose lesbic AND flatulent.

ED: Well, we're still stuck at home for seven to ten days with a potentially dangerous virus but we were at least able to send someone to prison under false pretenses. Hey, stop bogarting those brownies!

Stay tuned sometime in the possibly distant future for another exciting adventure of . . . Evil Dad and Devilboy!

No comments: