Friday, July 22, 2005

News with Joe the Troll

Brock Kentman: Hello, this is your Emmy-award winning anchorman, Brock Kentman, and here are tonight's top stories.

[Cuts to footage of American Southwest]

BK: The age-old question, "Are we alone in the universe?" has been answered. Just minutes ago, a huge, silver craft blotted out the sky over Albuquerque before landing on the roof of city hall. From it emerged huge, orange-skinned humanoids who threaten to reduce the Earth to a smoldering cinder unless:

[Cue alien audio]

Alien: "Unless your Earth females cease to devour their mates after intercourse."

BK: It seems the aliens have mistaken humanity for the praying mantis. Scientists are scrambling to correct--

Joe the Troll: Excuse me but you have omitted a crucial element of that story.

BK: What are you talking about?

JT: Was the sky cloudy?

BK: What?

JT: You said, and I quote, "a huge, silver craft blotted out the sky over Albuquerque." It couldn't blot out the sky if the sky were already blotted out by clouds. Ipso facto.

BK: How many years of unending psychological torment did you endure to twist your mind into even thinking of that question?

JT: I have asked you repeatedly and yet you continue to dodge the main issue. I know it's difficult for card-carrying Communists like yourself--

BK: Who said anything about Communists?

JT: But provide the specifics of the atmospheric conditions over Albuquerque.

BK: Fine (consults with weatherman). It's a dry day in New Mexico with humidity of less than 2% and nary a cloud in the sky. So even if weather conditions were something to consider, you still wouldn't have had a point.

JT: Is "a point" something you say to people who disagree with you?

BK: Page two. It's a sad day for the British Royal Family. Fluter, Prince Charles' favorite Corgi, broke free from his lead and was crushed by a steam roller. The steam roller lost control and crashed off the cliffs of Dover.

JT: Pardon me, oh snippy one, but isn't it now night in England?

BK: If you need a new prescription for your medication, I'm willing to forge one.

JT: You said "day" but, considering the time difference, for our friends and allies, the Anglos, it is now night.

BK: The Oxford English Dictionary defines "day" as a period of 24 hours, including the period of darkness commonly referred to as night.

JT: What is this dictionary of which you speak? Are you calling me a dick?

BK: In entertainment news, Tom Cruise confounded his critics by shoving a pogo stick in both nostrils and completed the first nasal-hopping crossing of the United States.

JT: And what do you mean by "event horizon"?

BK: I never said anything remotely like that.

JT: So now you're denying the existence of black holes?

BK: Where are you getting this? Were your parents incompetent jugglers?

JT: Your comments are amusing but chronically incorrect. I await my apology.

BK: Let's hope those aliens hurry up with their death ray.

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