Saturday, June 18, 2005

Devilboy and Evil Dad vs.
The Sadistic Sisterhood of Surly Satanic Servants

After numerous setbacks at destroying the world, Evil Dad has decided to play a game of Candyland with Devilgirl and let Devilboy rampage before doing anything truly diabolic. This doesn't sit well with the higher ups of the Forces of Evil.

Evil Dad: C'mon double orange! I'm almost up to King Candy. (picks card) No! Not Mr. Mint! That's almost all the way back!
Devilgirl: Ha, ha!
(Devilboy pauses from setting the curtains on fire to laugh along)
ED: Devilboy, don't burn that DVD player! No, stop! Don't burn the computer either! No, and don't—well, okay, it's not like your mom wears her old wedding dress any more.
Evil voice behind them: So, playing Candyland when you should be spreading evil!
ED: That's winning at Candyland, thank you.
DG: Nuh-uh.
ED: Well, I was.
Voice: Silence, boob! For your slack-offishness, you must be punished by The Sadistic Sisterhood of Surly Satanic Servants, Kay O'Connor and Anne Coulter!
ED: Slack-offishness! I've fought more battles against the forces of good than Rick Santorum!
KO: What have you done lately? Faced off against Princess Frostine?
ED: That's not my fault! I'd be sacrificing a teenage virgin right now but you losers didn't keep your end of the bargain.
AC: Treason! Slander! Poopy!
ED: No, the deal was that the Ancient Gods of Darkness would give you the presidency and both houses then you'd create abstinence-only programs so there'd be plenty of virgins to sacrifice. So what happened?
KO: Oh, we're doing our best but it turns out that weren't not all that experienced with matters concerning S-E-X.
AC: Speak for yourself, baby. I'm such a player that I knocked up six bitches before I graduated high school.
(all stare)
AC: Uh, is what my brother often says. Yeah, my male brother.
KO: Even so, you could at least make your headquarters more sinister. This place looks like Chuck E. Cheese's with bad lighting.
ED: And your point is?
KO: This is the lamest evil lair I've ever seen.
ED: How can you say that? Look at the creepy rat-infested ambience.
KO: Those aren't even rats. They're hamsters.
ED: I assure you they're rats. Look at their long, creepy tails.
KO: Those aren't real tails. That's yarn tied around a hamster's butt. You should be ashamed.
ED (breaks down sobbing): I am, I am. My wife won't let me keep real rats in the house. Even the garage. She says they'd give the kids cavities. What can I do? What can I do?
AC: This is why women shouldn't be allowed to vote!
KO: Um, that doesn't even make sense by your standards.
AC: I know but I just love to shout it.
KO: Say, you just mentioned your kids. Your little brat has a reputation for chaos but I haven't heard a peep from him since we got here.
ED: That's because he's been hot-wiring your car.
(Devilboy smashes through the wall in Coulter's Expedition, scattering a collection of bondage magazines from the back passenger side door)
AC: Quick, cast a mutagenic spell to stop him.
ED: I ain't casting a mutagenic spell! Studies show those cause prostate cancer.
AC: Ech, don't get me started about my prostate.
(all stare except Devilboy who crashes the Expedition out another wall and into a telephone pole)
AC: I mean, uh, probate. My grandma just died.
(the awkward silence that follows is diverted when Devilboy punches a hole in the Expedition's gas tank and ignites it with his cigar)
AC: No! That SUV was a babe magnet! I'll clobber you, Devilboy! (claws extended, she launches at Devilboy but is stopped short when Evil Dad grabs her tighty whities, halting her progress and delivering a chafing wedgie)
ED: Let's decide democratically on how to punish him. I vote for a time-out and since you two are chicks, I'm the only one who counts.
AC: Sez you, fat boy! (whirls around, wickedly kicking Evil Dad in the shin)
(Evil Dad yelps and takes a swing at her nose but can't avoid her grotesquely fleshy Adam's apple.)


ED: Eww, gross. I can't get my hand out, a la Uncle Remus's tar baby.
KO: Serves you right for slacking off in the first place. From now on, you shall be cursed to carry Ann Coulter at the end of your arm.
AC: Kay! You can't leave me like this. We had a broth--uh, sisterhood!
KO: Not even I could stand you, you she-male freak. See ya!
DG (pushing Candyland forward): I took my turn while you were fighting. Pick a card.
AC: You'd better get double red if you want to win. What! Blue? You suck, liberal scum.
ED: Devilboy, aren't you going to kill her already?
DB: Brapp! (tosses Coulter's car keys in the smoldering remains of his parents' wedding album and throws up in one of her bondage magazines)

Join us some time in the future for another exciting episode of Devilboy and Evil Dad when we'll hear Anne Coulter say, "Your treasonous slander would be easier to swallow if you just admitted that persons with vaginas shouldn't be allowed to drive. Got that, Dumbo? Maybe you should—
Evil Dad: Devilboy, I'll buy you a new Maserati if you chew my hand off at the wrist.

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