Friday, June 03, 2005

It's been forever since one of these. It's rough, it's unpolished, but here's--

Devilboy and Evil Dad in
Guess Who's Coming for Sinner

While Devilboy is napping, Evil Dad gives the old "ripping-open-a-demonic-portal-to-another-dimension-so-that-an-ancient-evil-can-yada-yada-yada" routine another shot.

Evil Dad (whispers to three virgins, tied up in a pentagram): Wakey, wakey, my sweets! Little did you know when you went to that fraternity party last night that you would be drugged and awakened in this dungeon.
Virgin1: Actually that's what happens every time I go to a frat party.
ED (still whispering): Um, then I'm guessing your status as virgins isn't entirely accurate.
V3: I say it only counts if you're sober.
ED: No matter, the dread Cyruthulu will still accept a former virgin. I just won't receive the complimentary tote bag and her corporate newsletter.
DB: Hu-wuh?
ED (shrieks and tries to rock Devilboy to sleep): Sleepie-bye baby, please don't wake up (DB begins to thrash and vomit) Okay, you win--here's another beer.
(DB chugs and passes out again)
V2: You gave alcohol to a child! You should be ashamed of yourself!
ED: It's not something I'm proud of but you have no idea of the pressure of being an evil cult leader AND the primary care-giver of a special needs child.
V1: I hear Pat Buchanan has three special needs children.
ED: Yeah, in a jar under his desk.
(Devilboy wakes up, jumps into the pentagram, and kicks over candles)
ED: Stop, that'll conjure up the wrong Ancient One!
(A flash of light and the Eye of Sauron materializes)
Sauron: Tremble at my might, ye insects! All hope shall be extinguished in my shadow! Let the bl—
(Devilboy smears his diaper in Sauron's iris)
Sauron: Oh, you brute, you brute, you brute, you vicious brute! (vanishes)
ED: Holy copyright infringement! I'd better hurry up and destroy the world or Christopher Tolkien will be on my ass!
(Devilboy kicks over another candle; Lord Voldemort appears in a puff of vapor)
LV: Fools! Do you realize that you've opened the door of death for your mugglish little world.
(Devilboy shoves a magic candle down Voldemort's shorts, setting his crotch afire)
LV: God, I hate kids! (vanishes)
ED: Just great! You can just kiss any chance of a Slytherin scholarship good bye!
(Devilboy pulls a lit cigarette from his diaper and ignites a dark part of the pentacle; Cthulhu appears)
ED: Take your time with this one. His copyright's expired.
(Cthulhu hums/grunts a song of destruction, warping time and space, the sum of a triangle no longer adds up to 180 degrees, Miller Lite no longer is less filling or tastes great)
DB: Fuh-ish fud! (dumps a bottle of wasabi on his head and starts biting)
Cthulhu: Not the tentacles! They have such a concentration of pain-receptacles! (vanishes)
(Devilboy tries to conjure something else but nothing responds)
DB: Duhm jah! (destroys everything in room in fraction of a second)
V2: Wow, that was like the time I mixed ecstasy and acid.
ED: Sorry about wasting your time. He broke all the evil paraphernalia so you might as well go home (unties virgins)
V2: What? You're not going to repeatedly rape me? I got all dressed up for a frat party for nothing?
ED: Don't fret. The Shriners are having a meeting at midnight and just try to buy an undefiled virgin from them.
V3: Yuck, little cars are such a turn-off (leave)
ED (watches them go): Well, Devilboy, you ruined my dreams once more.
DB: Ruhg! (hands over the One Ring that he swiped from Sauron)
ED: Sweet Momma Cyruthulu! Looks Jeb Bush will be watching ME get the nomination in 2008!
DB: Braaappp! (vomits up parts of Chtulu's face)

Join us some time in the future for another exciting episode of Devilboy and Evil Dad when we'll hear Evil Wife say, "It's Christopher Tolkien's lawyer on the phone. He says a discussion is in order."

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