Thursday, March 30, 2006

Best Losers

Over at Louis's Mr. TV Head blog, I found this poll to vote for the worst Oscar-winning movies of the year.

Here's my break-down:

Didn't see: Gone with the Wind (39), Million Dollar Baby (04), Crash (05)

1. Greatest Show on Earth (52) Stick with burning bushes, C.
2. You Can't Take it With You (38) It's a Wonderful Life isn't sappy enough for you? Try Capra's earlier effort.
3. Titanic (97) I liked Kate Winslet's breasts and the part where everyone died.
4. Oliver! (68) This movie doesn't even deserve a snide comment. Considering making it number one.
5. The English Patient (96) The hero makes a deal with the Nazis for the woman he loves. Paging Zombie Bogart to kick the shit out of every pansy involved with this masturbatory pile of slop.
6. Around the World in 80 Days (56) Makes the Jackie Chan version look good.

Bad but forgivable:
1. Gentleman's Agreement (47) Here's Gregory Peck to tell you that hating Jews is wrong.
2. Going My Way (44) "There's a war on. We'd rather vote for Bing singing to choir boys than the much superior Double indemnity.
3. How Green Was My Valley (41) "There's a war in Europe. And Mr. Hearst gave us strict instructions."
4. The Great Ziegfeld (36) You could have made another Thin Man movie from the cast.
5. Mrs. Miniver (42) The weaker, English version of From Here to Eternity. Kinda like the opposite of our beers.
6. Hamlet (48) Everyone says they love this version but, I'm sorry, Gertrude is supposed to be older than her son. Still it's a good way to cut 2-1/2 hours out of a literature class.
7. Forrest Gump (94) "Uh, we're not at war any more. Why didn't we vote for Pulp Fiction?"
8. The Last Emperor (88) Hello, this guy was gayer than James Whale. Shouldn't you have at least hinted at it?
9. Gandhi (82) Just shoot him already and get it over with.
10. The Deer Hunter (78) Yeah, I've got an evening to kill.
11. Silence of the Lambs (91) This is like the opposite of a David Lynch film. The more I think about it, the more I hate it.
12. Ben-Hur (59) You let the Roman Empire fall? Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Musicals ("Uh, honey, I watched that with you. Don't I deserve a blowjob or something?")
Chicago (02), West Side Story (61), Gigi (59), My Fair Lady (64), American in Paris (51), Sound of Music (65)

("Uh, honey, I watched that with you. Don't I deserve a blowjob from you and a group of your friends?")
Terms of Endearment (83), Ordinary People (80), Kramer vs. Kramer (79), Out of Africa (85)

Category of "Eh"
Platoon (86), American Beauty (99), Best Years of Our Lives (46), Gladiator (00), Braveheart (95), The Sting (73), Driving Miss Daisy (89), Beautiful Mind (01), Chariot of Fire (91), Dances with Wolves (90), Life of Emile Zola (37), Schindler's List (93--yeah, how many times have YOU watched it?)

1. All About Eve (50) George Sanders! I love that guy!
2. Midnight Cowboy (69) Why was this rated "X"?
3. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (75) Just try that with the Joker!
4. Broadway Melody (28) Hey, it's making noises!
5. Cimmaron (30) The black kid named Napoleon dies saving a couple of white girls. Hey, just think of how the audience in Georgia reacted.
6. On the Waterfront (54) Too much message but it's got the line.
7. Laurence of Arabia (62) I like that scene with the match.
8. Grand Hotel (31) It's mentioned in The Apartment.
9. The Apartment (60) Fred MacMurray as a sadistic SOB? I love that guy!
10. Rocky (76) Yes, you do too.
11. Cavalcade (32) The Titanic sinks in 15 minutes!
12. Amadeus (84) That's Mozart's middle name.
13. All the King's Men (49) It's funny cuz it's true.
14. A Man for All Seasons (66) I even like the Charlie Heston version.
15. Wings (27) D.W. could have done it better but he was probably drunk at the time.
16. Mutiny on the Bounty (35) Look at him whip that guy! You'd think he was Jesus!
17. Marty (55) They drink beer on screen. That was shocking for the times.
18. It Happened One Night (34) "Uh, honey, yes, I did like it. Okay, I'll get to work.
19. The Lost Weekend (45) "Yeah, it's Reefer Madness Redux but Billy should have won last year. And I like that scene with the bat and the rat."
20. Annie Hall (77) Just to piss off the Star Wars fans.
21. From Here to Eternity (53) This is pretty close to "eh."

1. The Godfather II (74) And he went on to make that stupid version of Dracula.
2. The Godfather (72) And Frankenstein.
3. Patton (70) "Damn! He shot that mule in the head!"
4. Rebecca (40) George Sanders and Alfred Hitchcock! I'm in love!
5. In the Heat of the Night (67) "Do they call you Virgil?"
6. The French Connection (71) The 70s rocked (in this regard).
7. Rain Man (89) I actually don't want to punch Tom Cruise in the face!
8. Casablanca (43) Hey, Bogart, check out that piece of crap that wins in '96.
9. Bridge on the River Kwai (58) Is it just me or are American actors much worse than British?
10. Unforgiven (92) Clint.
11. Return of the King (03) Yes, I'm openly geeky.
12. Shakespeare in Love (98) "Thank you God! I don't care what Covington says--Speilberg and Hanks lost--you do exist!"
13. Tom Jones (63) Hey, in the 60s and not a musical. I use it in class and--oh, nevermind.
14. All's Quiet on the Western Front (30) Do I just like this or put it here? I switched about eight times.

No comments: