Can't-Believe-This-Is-Leno

"In his latest campaign commercial President Bush talks about times of change. If he thinks these times are changing, wait 'til November."

"John Kerry has a purple heart from Vietnam. Big deal, Dick Cheney's got a purple heart from deep-dish pizza."

"Yesterday the Bush administration announced a new plan to crack down on the finances of terrorists. I think this could work. If Bush is half as successful hurting the finances of terrorists as he is the finances of ordinary Americans I would not want to be in their shoes."