Sunday, March 07, 2004

Marge's Carpets

Okay, I went on record defending Marge Schott but the latest wave of stories are simply too much. True, she owned the team during the 1990 Series and she gave truck-loads of money to worthy causes but I'm not sure if that qualifies her as the sweetest woman since the Virgin Mother.

Mention Marge Schott and people think of different things, some positive, some negative. The first thing I think of is the fact that she owned St. Bernards and never house-broke them. If she had discovered the cure for cancer or was caught eating an altar boy, I'd still probably think of the dog shit she must have tramped through on her way to the fridge.

If you've ever owned a dog, even a little one like a Yorkie or miniature schnauzer, you know how big a piss puddle one can make in a single day. When I walk my dog, sometimes he sprays on dry soil or on concrete. As it flows and flows and flows, I imagine Marge's old carpet. My dog is only a fraction of a St. Bernard but in a single walk, he can produce great volumes of urine.

Marge had her carpet replaced monthly but just think of the house the day before the new stuff arrived. Thirty days as a St. Bernard toilet. It's like something out of Gitmo.

Replacing the carpet wouldn't have been enough. It must have sank into the floorboards and ate into the woodwork. Unless she replaced the entire structure of her house, the smell must have been overwhelming. Christ, I worked at the zoo for a summer and can tell you warm weather and feces aren't nice for living conditions. I wonder if she missed the monthly deadlines when the Reds were on a streak (or the Party Source had a sale). And apparently she lived for decades in the same place. What will the resale value be?

I'm not advocating big government but when someone is wading knee-deep through fecal matter, isn't it time for a friendly intervention? Living in that condition is a double-edged sword--I can cut her some slack but I can't see her as a role-model either.

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