Sunday, March 14, 2004

My Lame Letterman Rip-Off

A few days ago as I was flipping through the stations, local moron Bill Cunningham began spouting off that God was a Republican. As much as I wanted to hear his rationale, he was such an annoying git that I had to switch channels. The thought wouldn't leave my mind so I had to come up with reasons of my own.

Top Nine Signs That God is a Republican

9. Possesses all Creation but pays no income tax.
8. You need to accept the inexplicable for His doctrine to make sense.
7. Complete disinterest in empirical facts.
6. Babies, AIDS, herpes, and other discouragement from sex.
5. Creation of the hemorrhoid.
4. The love of money is the root of all evi—oops, scratch that.
3. Zero tolerance towards Sodom.
2. No record of attendance of National Guard Duty.
1. Just because dammit!

For equal time:

Top Nine Signs That God is a Democrat

9. "Render unto Caesar" an obvious tax and spend tactic.
8. Compromises with the devil in Book of Job.
7. C'mon, His name is Je-sus.
6. Comes from Mid-East, indicating a darker shade of skin.
5. All that touchy, feely, love stuff.
4. Single father household with no apparent means of support.
3. Just look at His hair.
2. Still subtly favors the rich.
1. Got beat up by bunch of Italians.

Yes, these are all untrue stereotypes (the only deadbeat single-parent I know voted for Buchanan) but I was pressed.

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