Devilboy vs. Chickenpox
We now join Evil Dad who, in the middle of cleaning the fish tank, was phoned by Devilboy's school about a chickenpox attack.
Evil Dad (rushing into School Nurse's office): I'm here! Hey, this place is hardly messed up at all. I guess chickenpox has a calming effect.
Nurse: This is the main health office. You're looking for the Early Childhood Office (points to now smoking rubble down the hall)
ED: Do'h!
(runs down hall)
ED: Devilboy! Don't swallow that filing cabinet!
Devilboy: Urk? (leaps at Evil Dad)
ED: Stop! The doctor said you shouldn't bite off that finger!
Other Nurse: We noticed the pox and called you right over. He's highly contagious.
ED: But he had his vaccination. He only killed seven doctors that day.
ON: Children sometimes still get chicken pox despite the vaccine. You can't blame anybody... unless you're the superstitious type who believes in plague demons.
(Devilboy's eyes glow red.)
ED: I SEE!
(Minutes later)
ED: Come out! I know you're in there!
Pazuzu: Who dares command the demon of the southwest winds? For I am--oh shit, it's that kid!
ED: As you can see, we're not in a good mood right now (Devilboy twists Pazuzu's head around backwards), so I'll get to the point: why'd you give Devilboy the pox?
P: It wasn't me. After Peter Blatty, I gave that stuff up. Sure, I might have passed Paris Hilton the clap but who hasn't? It must of been one of them pagan deities or Pat Buchanan or somebody.
ED: I'm warning you (Devilboy vomits on Pazuzu's slippers) if you lied to me, you're gonna need a whole new set of priests.
P: I swear. Check out Sopona! He's always bragging about all the pestilence he spreads.
(At Sopona's beach house)
ED: Open up! It's time for a little deicide!
Sopona: Ey, mon! What you be jabbering to I and I for?
ED: Shut up! I know you grew up in Queens.
S: The accent's good for chicks.
ED: You won't need to worry about that any more! You gave Devilboy chickenpox!
S: Oh, you're thinking of Sagbata, pox god of the Fon! I'm Sopona, pox god of the Yoruba.
ED: Oh, yeah. Well, if you're not telling--hey, why is Devilboy so mellow?
S: My brownies!
(After Sagbata, Azo, Reshef and Horon, and Xi Wang Mu)
ED: Well, this is it. If this isn't the right plague god, I'm going home. (rings bell)
Martha Stewart: Yes, can--oh, you? Did you like the chickenpox I sent your brat?
ED: Get her, Devilboy!
MS (laughs as Devilboy hits invisible barrier): You'll never break my tastefully textured evil force field.
ED: If it's invisible, why do you care about the texture?
MS: Philistine!
ED: We might as well give up. We've never encountered such evil before. (A squad of police cars pulls up)
MS: Heh, heh. Did I mention I called the fuzz?
Cop: We had reports of a distur--what's this! (Points to brownies on Martha's patio furniture) Looks like little miss stock-cheat baked up some Dolly Madison weed wasters!
MS: It's not mine! It's that Devilboy's!
Cop: And blaming an innocent child. This time we're locking you with a biker whose lesbic AND flatulent.
ED: Well, we're still stuck at home for seven to ten days with a potentially dangerous virus but we were at least able to send someone to prison under false pretenses. Hey, stop bogarting those brownies!
Stay tuned sometime in the possibly distant future for another exciting adventure of . . . Evil Dad and Devilboy!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Chocolate on my Finger
One of my students who came in late told me that I had "chocolate or something" on my finger. No, that's a distorted hunk of flesh that was once part of my finger.
Prior to the chicken pox discovery, when I was putting on Devilboy's shoes, he kicked my finger, breaking it open again. A flap of skin now sticks straight out and is crusted over with blackened blood, like a beetle shell.
It doesn't hurt at all but looks disgusting.
One of my students who came in late told me that I had "chocolate or something" on my finger. No, that's a distorted hunk of flesh that was once part of my finger.
Prior to the chicken pox discovery, when I was putting on Devilboy's shoes, he kicked my finger, breaking it open again. A flap of skin now sticks straight out and is crusted over with blackened blood, like a beetle shell.
It doesn't hurt at all but looks disgusting.
Monday, February 20, 2006
What Do Frodo and I Have in Common?
Yesterday at the deli, I was trying to cut through the wrapper of Boars Head salami and accidentally cut into my left index finger, just below the fingernail.
It wasn't bad but later, when I was sanitizing a meat slicer, I cut through the top of my right index finger, from about halfway above the top of the fingerprint on the one side and just before the top of the fingernail on the other.
Fortunately it didn't hit bone but it gushed blood like the old SNL Julia Child skit. I had to wrap it up with six bandaids before it stopped splurting. (As I was walking to the pharmacy with my finger wrapped in paper towels, leaving a trail of blood drops behind me, a customer still came up and asked where some damn French product that I've never heard of was.)
Today it looked like it had stopped bleeding but, when I had to give Devilgirl a bath, I ripped it open again. It was like Psycho in reverse. Naturally we were out of bandaids, so I had to tape on two gauze pads.
Later I tried to grade papers but Devilboy knocked the whole stack of them on the floor and was about to rip them to confetti. I grabbed them up but as I did, a broken strand of carpet slid into the cut and wedged in. I couldn't yank my hand free without pulling off the top of my finger and threading the carpet out was like solving a Rubik's cube in the dark.
Finally I pulled it out, and Devilboy looked at my finger and said, "Uh-oh, boo boo."
Forgive my typing tonight, folks.
Yesterday at the deli, I was trying to cut through the wrapper of Boars Head salami and accidentally cut into my left index finger, just below the fingernail.
It wasn't bad but later, when I was sanitizing a meat slicer, I cut through the top of my right index finger, from about halfway above the top of the fingerprint on the one side and just before the top of the fingernail on the other.
Fortunately it didn't hit bone but it gushed blood like the old SNL Julia Child skit. I had to wrap it up with six bandaids before it stopped splurting. (As I was walking to the pharmacy with my finger wrapped in paper towels, leaving a trail of blood drops behind me, a customer still came up and asked where some damn French product that I've never heard of was.)
Today it looked like it had stopped bleeding but, when I had to give Devilgirl a bath, I ripped it open again. It was like Psycho in reverse. Naturally we were out of bandaids, so I had to tape on two gauze pads.
Later I tried to grade papers but Devilboy knocked the whole stack of them on the floor and was about to rip them to confetti. I grabbed them up but as I did, a broken strand of carpet slid into the cut and wedged in. I couldn't yank my hand free without pulling off the top of my finger and threading the carpet out was like solving a Rubik's cube in the dark.
Finally I pulled it out, and Devilboy looked at my finger and said, "Uh-oh, boo boo."
Forgive my typing tonight, folks.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Heart/Butt Connection
Desmond Morris said this years ago but a professor has made the news by claiming that valentine heart symbols are modeled after the female buttocks.
I'm going to hold a press conference that light can be both a particle and a wave and see if I can make the papers.
Desmond Morris said this years ago but a professor has made the news by claiming that valentine heart symbols are modeled after the female buttocks.
I'm going to hold a press conference that light can be both a particle and a wave and see if I can make the papers.
Television: Friend, Teacher, Secret Lover
I've wondered how bad television is for kids. To me, it's the mental equivalent of smoking pot: it doesn't really hurt you but it feels good enough for you to vegetate and eat a whole bag of Extra-Ranch Doritos.
It's possible that it's not bad for children whatsoever (television, not pot).
I'm torn about this. For one thing, unless you're rich enough to have servants to entertain your children, cutting television out entirely isn't very likely. There's a reason why t.v.-free generations married their kids off by age 11.
On the other hand, the depths of many people's parenting skills is being able to work the VCR AND the DVD. "Don't bother Mommy; Dora the Explorer is on."
It's good that kids aren't being harmed but it might be better if parents still felt guilty about the electronic babysitter.
I've wondered how bad television is for kids. To me, it's the mental equivalent of smoking pot: it doesn't really hurt you but it feels good enough for you to vegetate and eat a whole bag of Extra-Ranch Doritos.
It's possible that it's not bad for children whatsoever (television, not pot).
I'm torn about this. For one thing, unless you're rich enough to have servants to entertain your children, cutting television out entirely isn't very likely. There's a reason why t.v.-free generations married their kids off by age 11.
On the other hand, the depths of many people's parenting skills is being able to work the VCR AND the DVD. "Don't bother Mommy; Dora the Explorer is on."
It's good that kids aren't being harmed but it might be better if parents still felt guilty about the electronic babysitter.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Well, I'm Off to the Clinic
Last December I took this test after seeing it on Stephanie's blog. I decided to wait to try again and got pretty much the same result. Hey, if I'm listed as feminine, at the very least I'd like some multiple orgasms to go with it.
Last December I took this test after seeing it on Stephanie's blog. I decided to wait to try again and got pretty much the same result. Hey, if I'm listed as feminine, at the very least I'd like some multiple orgasms to go with it.
| Feminine You scored 40 masculinity and 80 femininity! |
| You scored high on femininity and low on masculinity. You have a traditionally feminine personality. |
 |
My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Almost Zero Tolerance
Have you heard news stories of a nine-year dressing in a fireman's costume for a school Halloween party and getting expelled because the costume came with a plastic (and obviously fake) axe?
Have you heard about the boy who was disciplined for "shooting" another schoolmate by extending his index finger and thumb and saying "Bang"?
By adopting a zero tolerance approach to school violence, administrators don't have to even pretend to use their brains. No incident is too stupid to be covered.
That all changed yesterday when my step-daughter did something TOO STUPID FOR ZERO TOLERANCE. (For those of you who follow education policies, this is even bigger than Catwoman getting knocked up.)
My step-daughter's English class was studying drama with groups assigned to write and perform short plays. Her group had troubles coming up with anything exciting for the characters to do, and, in typical soap opera style, decided to kill off a few. One boy said to my stepdaughter something to the effect, "It be cool if we killed you."
Even though everyone in the room clearly understood that he was talking about the play, she ran to the teacher and insisted on having a "Death Threat Alert." This is like pulling a fire alarm: once you start it, you legally have to play it through. After wasting the time of her class and the administrators, the principal decided that even though zero-tolerance would mean the boy would get suspended, my stepdaughter had always known there was never a threat, but only acted to stay in the spotlight, on stage and off.
A conference is in the works.
Have you heard news stories of a nine-year dressing in a fireman's costume for a school Halloween party and getting expelled because the costume came with a plastic (and obviously fake) axe?
Have you heard about the boy who was disciplined for "shooting" another schoolmate by extending his index finger and thumb and saying "Bang"?
By adopting a zero tolerance approach to school violence, administrators don't have to even pretend to use their brains. No incident is too stupid to be covered.
That all changed yesterday when my step-daughter did something TOO STUPID FOR ZERO TOLERANCE. (For those of you who follow education policies, this is even bigger than Catwoman getting knocked up.)
My step-daughter's English class was studying drama with groups assigned to write and perform short plays. Her group had troubles coming up with anything exciting for the characters to do, and, in typical soap opera style, decided to kill off a few. One boy said to my stepdaughter something to the effect, "It be cool if we killed you."
Even though everyone in the room clearly understood that he was talking about the play, she ran to the teacher and insisted on having a "Death Threat Alert." This is like pulling a fire alarm: once you start it, you legally have to play it through. After wasting the time of her class and the administrators, the principal decided that even though zero-tolerance would mean the boy would get suspended, my stepdaughter had always known there was never a threat, but only acted to stay in the spotlight, on stage and off.
A conference is in the works.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Me Smash
Your results:
You are Hulk
Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...
Of the choices, I'm content with the Hulk. I look good in purple pants.
Your results:
You are Hulk
| You are a wanderer with amazing strength.  |
Of the choices, I'm content with the Hulk. I look good in purple pants.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Harry Potter: Anti-Christ
God knows that my step-daughter has watched the oh-so-dreamy punk who plays Harry Potter so many times that I cringe at the mention of anything Potter-esque. Yet even I have to object to Harry Potter, Narnia, and the Lord of the Rings: What you Need to Know about Fantasy Books and Movies by Richard Abanes. Apparently the Potter books are the gateway to hell and Philip Pullman of the Dark Material Trilogy is the anti-C.S. Lewis.
Staunch Christians like Tolkien and Lewis get a pass but Abanes brings up several objections to Rowlings. Most telling was the statement: "Harry Potter is a fictional tale with a nonfictional backdrop." In other words, wizards and witches really can fly about on broom sticks but they don't all live in English boarding schools. It gets better:
1. "Those who stand against Voldemort are good. Those who stand with Voldemort are bad. . . This morality is not only flawed, but also simplistic."
Lewis did make Narnian morality more complex but Tolkien sure as hell didn't. Other than Gollum, Middle Earth is as black and white as the Potter-verse.
Also Abanes' entire morality is "Jesus=good; Satan=bad," making this one of the unintentionally funniest lines in the book. Somehow I can't see him applying this argument to the Bush administration.
2. Objecting to the argument that while not overtly Christian, Harry and the other good guys have positive attributes: "What everyone is failing to recognize, however, is that Rowling's 'evil' characters are brave and courageous, too. Her evil characters also show perseverance, loyalty (in the face of persecution), and a willingness to make sacrifices for their cause."
Again true of Tolkien--the orcs knew they were cannon-fodder but kept on coming--but even more true of Lewis. Even though evil puts up a decent fight, there is no mistaking the good and evil sides of any of the books.
And isn't Satan the very model of perseverance? Booted out of heaven, slapped around the Holy Lands, destined to lose the Final Battle, but never stops tempting.
3. In deriding the argument that the series provides good role models, he writes "it is a mistake to think that our culture exalts only those icons that are good role models for children" and lists Beavis and Butthead, Freddy Krueger, and the MTV show Jackass.
Here's the tortured logic:
Potter fan: Harry's a good role model because he fights against the rise of power of a mass murderer who wants to enslave the world.
Abanes: Ahh, but isn't Hitler a role model to neo-Nazis? Ipso-facto: Potter=Nazi.
I think Abanes realized that this doesn't make sense and he glossed it over to get to his next point.
4. He states that the number one reason for Potter's popularity is "gross imagery and crass humor" which is described as "vomit candy, pus and booger references, assorted profanities, 'Uranus' jokes, and a dash of bloody violence." (Abanes admits in the text that there was only one "Uranus" joke but what's a little lie between friends?)
It's true that the Potter books I've read are more crude than Lewis or Tolkien's but compared to the backdrop of society, Rowlings is old-fashioned and uptight. Harry asks a girl on a date in one of the books but does he bring along any magic condoms? Does anyone in these books have sex at all? Unwed comic book characters have been fathering and giving birth to children since the 1970s (Speedy/Arsenal was also a heroin addict in the 70s; Rocket, the first single mother superhero; Mystique who has supposedly given birth to and fathered mutant babies; Spoiler/the new Robin; Plastic Man; etc.[believe me, I could go on a while])
Today Disney characters fart and belch. Many family movies include scenes of animals sodomizing unlikeable characters (Dr. Doolittle II first to come to mind). Is there anything in the Potter books to compare to that?
And does anyone at Hogswarts smoke fairy pot or snort magi-coke? The hobbits smoked pipeweed which sounds suspiciously like hash but Abanes gives them a complete pass.
5. Claims that some of the occult shows influencing Christian American youth are Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed and Sabrina: The Teenage Witch. At first I thought it was a fluke but he repeatedly mentioned Sabrina as an occult influence.
Sam Kinison had a routine about what if Manson had blamed the Monkees, not the Beetles? "'Hey, hey, we're the Monkees! People say we monkey around! Last train to Clarksville!' How clearly does he have to say it?"
I'll alert the FBI to be on the outlook for infant sacrifices if UPN shows Sabrina re-runs.
6. His defense of censorship: "Censorship is merely the way a community (or segment of it) deals with certain material that it deems inappropriate for a specific location or readership--for example, racist, pornographic, or anti-Semitic literature."
In a loose sense, I agree with him. I don't think Hustler should be in the children's section in the library. But Abanes is seriously worried. He refers to a seven-year old who killed his brother by imitating WWF moves, a story that was debunked by news agencies as a fraud. He also cites a four-year old who was left unattended by a babysitter who went to buy cigarettes. The four year old killed his 15-month sibling while wrestling was on television. Who is to blame? The babysitter? Well, you can't sell a book that condemns babysitters or lack of personal responsibility.
Do you consider a work's age-appropriateness on multiple factors or do you just toss anything that doesn't include Jesus on the cover?
I believe it was Edith Wharton who said, "Censorship, like charity, should begin at home. But unlike charity, it should stay there." I'm not sure if that would go over for Abanes' crowd.
7. The author also wrote Becoming Gods which warns "Did you know Mormons hope to eventually become Gods?" Now that he's picked on a fictional character and the LDSs, let's see if he's up to a cartoon book about Islam or if he'll continue with subjects that won't bite back.
God knows that my step-daughter has watched the oh-so-dreamy punk who plays Harry Potter so many times that I cringe at the mention of anything Potter-esque. Yet even I have to object to Harry Potter, Narnia, and the Lord of the Rings: What you Need to Know about Fantasy Books and Movies by Richard Abanes. Apparently the Potter books are the gateway to hell and Philip Pullman of the Dark Material Trilogy is the anti-C.S. Lewis.
Staunch Christians like Tolkien and Lewis get a pass but Abanes brings up several objections to Rowlings. Most telling was the statement: "Harry Potter is a fictional tale with a nonfictional backdrop." In other words, wizards and witches really can fly about on broom sticks but they don't all live in English boarding schools. It gets better:
1. "Those who stand against Voldemort are good. Those who stand with Voldemort are bad. . . This morality is not only flawed, but also simplistic."
Lewis did make Narnian morality more complex but Tolkien sure as hell didn't. Other than Gollum, Middle Earth is as black and white as the Potter-verse.
Also Abanes' entire morality is "Jesus=good; Satan=bad," making this one of the unintentionally funniest lines in the book. Somehow I can't see him applying this argument to the Bush administration.
2. Objecting to the argument that while not overtly Christian, Harry and the other good guys have positive attributes: "What everyone is failing to recognize, however, is that Rowling's 'evil' characters are brave and courageous, too. Her evil characters also show perseverance, loyalty (in the face of persecution), and a willingness to make sacrifices for their cause."
Again true of Tolkien--the orcs knew they were cannon-fodder but kept on coming--but even more true of Lewis. Even though evil puts up a decent fight, there is no mistaking the good and evil sides of any of the books.
And isn't Satan the very model of perseverance? Booted out of heaven, slapped around the Holy Lands, destined to lose the Final Battle, but never stops tempting.
3. In deriding the argument that the series provides good role models, he writes "it is a mistake to think that our culture exalts only those icons that are good role models for children" and lists Beavis and Butthead, Freddy Krueger, and the MTV show Jackass.
Here's the tortured logic:
Potter fan: Harry's a good role model because he fights against the rise of power of a mass murderer who wants to enslave the world.
Abanes: Ahh, but isn't Hitler a role model to neo-Nazis? Ipso-facto: Potter=Nazi.
I think Abanes realized that this doesn't make sense and he glossed it over to get to his next point.
4. He states that the number one reason for Potter's popularity is "gross imagery and crass humor" which is described as "vomit candy, pus and booger references, assorted profanities, 'Uranus' jokes, and a dash of bloody violence." (Abanes admits in the text that there was only one "Uranus" joke but what's a little lie between friends?)
It's true that the Potter books I've read are more crude than Lewis or Tolkien's but compared to the backdrop of society, Rowlings is old-fashioned and uptight. Harry asks a girl on a date in one of the books but does he bring along any magic condoms? Does anyone in these books have sex at all? Unwed comic book characters have been fathering and giving birth to children since the 1970s (Speedy/Arsenal was also a heroin addict in the 70s; Rocket, the first single mother superhero; Mystique who has supposedly given birth to and fathered mutant babies; Spoiler/the new Robin; Plastic Man; etc.[believe me, I could go on a while])
Today Disney characters fart and belch. Many family movies include scenes of animals sodomizing unlikeable characters (Dr. Doolittle II first to come to mind). Is there anything in the Potter books to compare to that?
And does anyone at Hogswarts smoke fairy pot or snort magi-coke? The hobbits smoked pipeweed which sounds suspiciously like hash but Abanes gives them a complete pass.
5. Claims that some of the occult shows influencing Christian American youth are Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed and Sabrina: The Teenage Witch. At first I thought it was a fluke but he repeatedly mentioned Sabrina as an occult influence.
Sam Kinison had a routine about what if Manson had blamed the Monkees, not the Beetles? "'Hey, hey, we're the Monkees! People say we monkey around! Last train to Clarksville!' How clearly does he have to say it?"
I'll alert the FBI to be on the outlook for infant sacrifices if UPN shows Sabrina re-runs.
6. His defense of censorship: "Censorship is merely the way a community (or segment of it) deals with certain material that it deems inappropriate for a specific location or readership--for example, racist, pornographic, or anti-Semitic literature."
In a loose sense, I agree with him. I don't think Hustler should be in the children's section in the library. But Abanes is seriously worried. He refers to a seven-year old who killed his brother by imitating WWF moves, a story that was debunked by news agencies as a fraud. He also cites a four-year old who was left unattended by a babysitter who went to buy cigarettes. The four year old killed his 15-month sibling while wrestling was on television. Who is to blame? The babysitter? Well, you can't sell a book that condemns babysitters or lack of personal responsibility.
Do you consider a work's age-appropriateness on multiple factors or do you just toss anything that doesn't include Jesus on the cover?
I believe it was Edith Wharton who said, "Censorship, like charity, should begin at home. But unlike charity, it should stay there." I'm not sure if that would go over for Abanes' crowd.
7. The author also wrote Becoming Gods which warns "Did you know Mormons hope to eventually become Gods?" Now that he's picked on a fictional character and the LDSs, let's see if he's up to a cartoon book about Islam or if he'll continue with subjects that won't bite back.
Defining Art
I'm finishing up the Definition Argument paper at NKU. As the name implies, you argue for a specific definition of a term, e.g. "A real dog has to be big enough to scare away a burglar"; "A true sport involves an intense physical challenge so golf is not a sport"; "A family is any group of people who care about each other."
One student is writing about art which is a tricky subject. Thinking about her position, it occurred to me that in non-prose literature, we have an all-encompassing word--"verse"--which is made up of work with merit--"poetry"--and work without--"doggerel."
If I were to start my own language, I would do the same for art. I'm not sure what I'd call each term but a wider vocabulary might help the expression of our thoughts.
I've been thinking about this since I read about this on Innisfree. I wouldn't send the kid to the bughouse but I'm not against banning certain subjects in class. In English 101, I don't let students write about abortion, gun control, or the death penalty because they do such a bad job and never have anything new to say about any of it. After reading submissions for the defunct Evil Dog Magazine, I'd say the same about shock value. For every Nathan Singer, there's 100,000 illiterates who slap together a few paragraphs about raping the pope and cutting the babies out of pregnant women and mistake their grandmother's shock for talent.
Hey, I'm all for stories about blasphemy and senseless violence but just slapping raw ideas on paper doesn't make them stories. I remember a story about a dog-rapist. Attention-grabber? Yes. Well-written? Oh God no.
In the end, I have no real definition myself and have deliberately wasted your time, but here's a few quotes by people more knowledgeable than myself:
“How do I define a work of art? It is not an asset in the stock-exchange sense, but a man’s timid attempt to repeat the miracle that the simplest peasant girl is capable of at any time, that of magically producing life out of nothing,” Oskar Kokoschka
“We all know that a good person can be a bad artist. But no one will ever be a genuine artist unless he is a great human being and thus also a good one,” Marc Chagall
“In general, then, color is a means to exert a direct influence on the soul. Color is the key. The eye is the hammer. The soul is the piano, with many strings,” Wassily Kandinsky
“Art is artificial and not at all natural. Creating a work of art does not mean that one is imitating nature but rather that one is on an equal footing with it and has even surpassed it using means that, of all living beings, are only available to man,” Victor Vasarely
“All of painting, but also literature and all that goes with it, is merely a process of going round and round something inexpressible, round a black hole or a crater whose center one cannot penetrate. And those things one seizes on as subject matter, they have merely the character of pebbles at the foot of the crater—they mark out a circle which, one hopes, draws ever close to the center,” Anselm Kiefer
“I am for an art that is political-erotical-mystical, that does something other than sit on its ass in a museum,” Claes Oldenburg
“Art is a duet between the artist and his medium. Each must speak freely and directly and visible in his own language. One must allow all the fortunes proper to the material to emerge. . . To try to prevent these vagaries of fortune would be to deprive the world of all vitality,” Jean Dubuffet
“To the creative artist, in the making of art it is doubtful whether aesthetics have any value to him. The truly creative artist deals with vulgarity,” David Smith
“Since Duchamp, the artist is the author of a definition,” Marcel Broodthaers
I'm finishing up the Definition Argument paper at NKU. As the name implies, you argue for a specific definition of a term, e.g. "A real dog has to be big enough to scare away a burglar"; "A true sport involves an intense physical challenge so golf is not a sport"; "A family is any group of people who care about each other."
One student is writing about art which is a tricky subject. Thinking about her position, it occurred to me that in non-prose literature, we have an all-encompassing word--"verse"--which is made up of work with merit--"poetry"--and work without--"doggerel."
If I were to start my own language, I would do the same for art. I'm not sure what I'd call each term but a wider vocabulary might help the expression of our thoughts.
I've been thinking about this since I read about this on Innisfree. I wouldn't send the kid to the bughouse but I'm not against banning certain subjects in class. In English 101, I don't let students write about abortion, gun control, or the death penalty because they do such a bad job and never have anything new to say about any of it. After reading submissions for the defunct Evil Dog Magazine, I'd say the same about shock value. For every Nathan Singer, there's 100,000 illiterates who slap together a few paragraphs about raping the pope and cutting the babies out of pregnant women and mistake their grandmother's shock for talent.
Hey, I'm all for stories about blasphemy and senseless violence but just slapping raw ideas on paper doesn't make them stories. I remember a story about a dog-rapist. Attention-grabber? Yes. Well-written? Oh God no.
In the end, I have no real definition myself and have deliberately wasted your time, but here's a few quotes by people more knowledgeable than myself:
“How do I define a work of art? It is not an asset in the stock-exchange sense, but a man’s timid attempt to repeat the miracle that the simplest peasant girl is capable of at any time, that of magically producing life out of nothing,” Oskar Kokoschka
“We all know that a good person can be a bad artist. But no one will ever be a genuine artist unless he is a great human being and thus also a good one,” Marc Chagall
“In general, then, color is a means to exert a direct influence on the soul. Color is the key. The eye is the hammer. The soul is the piano, with many strings,” Wassily Kandinsky
“Art is artificial and not at all natural. Creating a work of art does not mean that one is imitating nature but rather that one is on an equal footing with it and has even surpassed it using means that, of all living beings, are only available to man,” Victor Vasarely
“All of painting, but also literature and all that goes with it, is merely a process of going round and round something inexpressible, round a black hole or a crater whose center one cannot penetrate. And those things one seizes on as subject matter, they have merely the character of pebbles at the foot of the crater—they mark out a circle which, one hopes, draws ever close to the center,” Anselm Kiefer
“I am for an art that is political-erotical-mystical, that does something other than sit on its ass in a museum,” Claes Oldenburg
“Art is a duet between the artist and his medium. Each must speak freely and directly and visible in his own language. One must allow all the fortunes proper to the material to emerge. . . To try to prevent these vagaries of fortune would be to deprive the world of all vitality,” Jean Dubuffet
“To the creative artist, in the making of art it is doubtful whether aesthetics have any value to him. The truly creative artist deals with vulgarity,” David Smith
“Since Duchamp, the artist is the author of a definition,” Marcel Broodthaers
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Crocodile Collision
I didn't think I'd be in the mood to post something like this but I guess I'm always up for a good crocodilian story.
The crocodile died in the collision and was given to local Aborigines, who ate it
Update: Another scary animal eaten by humans.
If these people went after bears, Timothy Treadwell would be alive today.
I didn't think I'd be in the mood to post something like this but I guess I'm always up for a good crocodilian story.
The crocodile died in the collision and was given to local Aborigines, who ate it
Update: Another scary animal eaten by humans.
If these people went after bears, Timothy Treadwell would be alive today.
Short, Strange Class
When I left home, it was drizzling but soon turned to snow. For a while the flakes were enormous--some the size of leaves.
I cut the class short in part because Kentucky has better uses for tax dollars than clearing the roads. Also I couldn't help but notice that one of the girls looked very much like a student that both Wes and I knew who was killed in a car wreck a few years ago. It didn't help that she sat in exactly the same seat--two desks to the left in the first row--that Faith always took. I'm not going to start seeing visions in burritos (I hope) but it was unnerving. I haven't thought of her death for a while but it came back hard.
At the rate the snow is coming down, I'm glad I let them out early.
When I left home, it was drizzling but soon turned to snow. For a while the flakes were enormous--some the size of leaves.
I cut the class short in part because Kentucky has better uses for tax dollars than clearing the roads. Also I couldn't help but notice that one of the girls looked very much like a student that both Wes and I knew who was killed in a car wreck a few years ago. It didn't help that she sat in exactly the same seat--two desks to the left in the first row--that Faith always took. I'm not going to start seeing visions in burritos (I hope) but it was unnerving. I haven't thought of her death for a while but it came back hard.
At the rate the snow is coming down, I'm glad I let them out early.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Strange News
We had Devilgirl's birthday party in the play area of the local McDonalds (yes, how very classy). Doctors should bus in patients who are considering vasectomies. They'd make a mint.
I learned that one of my cousins who has been in legal trouble in the past was arrested for gun and drug charges. A SWAT team broke down his door and found cocaine and $5,000 in cash. They broke the drywall in one of the rooms and found a stash of rifles. I googled for a news story about him but couldn't find any. I hope this is a joke but, if so, they told me an elaborate story.
Over the last few weeks I've heard a little more about my niece who had initially pressed charges against her stepfather for sexual abuse. After she stopped working with the police and prosecution, he was able to plea bargain so that he received probation but no jail time. Now my sister-in-law is both pregnant and wants a divorce. He claimed that he has hit her but she must be eight inches taller and fifty pounds heavier (while not pregnant) than he is. This sounds like Jerry Springer on a sweeps week but again I wonder how distorted the whole situation is.
At least Devilgirl had a great time at her party. I bought her two Superfriends vs. the Legion of Doom DVDs which are even stupider than I remembered them.
We had Devilgirl's birthday party in the play area of the local McDonalds (yes, how very classy). Doctors should bus in patients who are considering vasectomies. They'd make a mint.
I learned that one of my cousins who has been in legal trouble in the past was arrested for gun and drug charges. A SWAT team broke down his door and found cocaine and $5,000 in cash. They broke the drywall in one of the rooms and found a stash of rifles. I googled for a news story about him but couldn't find any. I hope this is a joke but, if so, they told me an elaborate story.
Over the last few weeks I've heard a little more about my niece who had initially pressed charges against her stepfather for sexual abuse. After she stopped working with the police and prosecution, he was able to plea bargain so that he received probation but no jail time. Now my sister-in-law is both pregnant and wants a divorce. He claimed that he has hit her but she must be eight inches taller and fifty pounds heavier (while not pregnant) than he is. This sounds like Jerry Springer on a sweeps week but again I wonder how distorted the whole situation is.
At least Devilgirl had a great time at her party. I bought her two Superfriends vs. the Legion of Doom DVDs which are even stupider than I remembered them.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Still Here
In the last few days, I've been locked out of Internet access at home, work, and the library. I have news of my cousin's drug/gun bust, update about my niece, and Devilgirl's birthday party but this office is closing in ten minutes.
Earlier today, after Devilboy threw his Hot Wheels in the back of the car, I had to twist around on my car's seat and broke something so it doesn't sit level anymore (and before anyone asks: broke something in the car, not myself). Afterwards, I realized it must have looked like this only with a fat, ugly guy doing the twisting (which is all I hope that woman was doing).
In the last few days, I've been locked out of Internet access at home, work, and the library. I have news of my cousin's drug/gun bust, update about my niece, and Devilgirl's birthday party but this office is closing in ten minutes.
Earlier today, after Devilboy threw his Hot Wheels in the back of the car, I had to twist around on my car's seat and broke something so it doesn't sit level anymore (and before anyone asks: broke something in the car, not myself). Afterwards, I realized it must have looked like this only with a fat, ugly guy doing the twisting (which is all I hope that woman was doing).
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Suicidal Fish
Remember that episode of Sesame Street where Ernie yells "Here, fishy, fishy, fishy!" to have fish jump into his boat? No? Well, trust me it aired.
Here's a real-life version.
Remember that episode of Sesame Street where Ernie yells "Here, fishy, fishy, fishy!" to have fish jump into his boat? No? Well, trust me it aired.
Here's a real-life version.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Head in a Jar
Would I switch places with one of Futurama's heads in a jar? Today I would.
Fairly bad class tonight (when no one likes to read, poetry drags). One of the students left without her coat and four text books. Hello E-bay.
No news on Devilboy's test results. As of five o'clock p.m., they were officially late.
The Clermont Computer suddenly stopped letting me post comments on other blogs (and the comments I had! Oh, the comments I had!)
The biggest: my wife called and said, "There's been a car accident" (translated: "I pulled out in front of a car and totaled the Gallant.") She's okay but this is her fifth accident in ten years of driving--no, I'm not cool, she got her license late. No chance now of quitting the shit job.
I'm supposed to keep office hours for five more minutes but I think it's safe to pull out.
Would I switch places with one of Futurama's heads in a jar? Today I would.
Fairly bad class tonight (when no one likes to read, poetry drags). One of the students left without her coat and four text books. Hello E-bay.
No news on Devilboy's test results. As of five o'clock p.m., they were officially late.
The Clermont Computer suddenly stopped letting me post comments on other blogs (and the comments I had! Oh, the comments I had!)
The biggest: my wife called and said, "There's been a car accident" (translated: "I pulled out in front of a car and totaled the Gallant.") She's okay but this is her fifth accident in ten years of driving--no, I'm not cool, she got her license late. No chance now of quitting the shit job.
I'm supposed to keep office hours for five more minutes but I think it's safe to pull out.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
The Unborn Don't Count in Carpool Lane
Judge rules that pregnant women can't use carpool lane by themselves.
Analysts predict the ruling to be overturned by new Supreme Court justice. (Seriously, redefining "person" will have big ripples--maybe Microsoft will no longer be considered one. No, I guess not.)
Judge rules that pregnant women can't use carpool lane by themselves.
Analysts predict the ruling to be overturned by new Supreme Court justice. (Seriously, redefining "person" will have big ripples--maybe Microsoft will no longer be considered one. No, I guess not.)
Best Homework Ever
I'd have a 4.0 GPA in this school. In fact, I'd spend hours working on extra credit.
I'd have a 4.0 GPA in this school. In fact, I'd spend hours working on extra credit.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Functionally Illiterate
After the last couple of "stupid" posts, I came up with another observation.
I was in the Kroger break room with a guy who worked in general groceries. After the standard "I don't see how you can stand it in Deli," he told me about some of the worst workers in his department. One of them was impossible to work with because he was illiterate.
"Completely?"
"He doesn't even know numbers."
That has to be some sort of mental disorder. How could you drive without being able to recognize the speed limit signs? (Maybe it's just an act or the guy I was talking to was exaggerating.)
But in my ENG 103 class, I ask students to list their favorite stories and this time over half said, "None. I don't read."
Okay, some might not have wanted to admit they love Jonathan Livingston Seagull but a good bulk of them really seem to be telling the truth. When I ask about movies, most don't watch anything but Adam Sandler and American Pie.
I constantly wonder--what the hell do you do all day? Doesn't nothing but beer and video games get old after a while? Not all of these students are kids--some are older than I am. Most of them are nice people but I can't help wondering.
I don't read as much as I'd like to but I can't imagine never picking up a book.
After the last couple of "stupid" posts, I came up with another observation.
I was in the Kroger break room with a guy who worked in general groceries. After the standard "I don't see how you can stand it in Deli," he told me about some of the worst workers in his department. One of them was impossible to work with because he was illiterate.
"Completely?"
"He doesn't even know numbers."
That has to be some sort of mental disorder. How could you drive without being able to recognize the speed limit signs? (Maybe it's just an act or the guy I was talking to was exaggerating.)
But in my ENG 103 class, I ask students to list their favorite stories and this time over half said, "None. I don't read."
Okay, some might not have wanted to admit they love Jonathan Livingston Seagull but a good bulk of them really seem to be telling the truth. When I ask about movies, most don't watch anything but Adam Sandler and American Pie.
I constantly wonder--what the hell do you do all day? Doesn't nothing but beer and video games get old after a while? Not all of these students are kids--some are older than I am. Most of them are nice people but I can't help wondering.
I don't read as much as I'd like to but I can't imagine never picking up a book.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Stupid Up Close--Half of a quarter?
Several months ago, certain employees at the deli demonstrated such poor math skills that one of the older workers put up a sign:
I majored in English but I had a hard time believing anyone really needed that. I would have thought that someone who didn't know how to convert "one half" to decimal form wouldn't need to ask more than once but apparently I vastly overestimated the intelligence of the general public.
My optimism was shattered two days ago. About a week earlier, one of the workers had asked me, "What's an eighth?"
Thinking she just couldn't convert it from a fraction, I said, "Half of a fourth--one two five."
She stared blankly so I said, "Zero point one two or zero point one three." (The register doesn't go to thousandths.)
Another worker took her arm, showed her a scale, and then said to me, "You have to explain it dumber to some people."
The same worker asked me what an eighth was again this Sunday.
I tried to slowly say, "It will ring up as point one two or point one three."
She stared at me and said, "So it's more than a pound?"
It suddenly occurred to me what the problem was--she wasn't having trouble converting from a fraction, she didn't know what an eighth was.
The same worker who helped her before explained it to her in simpler terms.
The rest of the day she was proud with herself that she'd been so smart as to root for the Steelers.
Several months ago, certain employees at the deli demonstrated such poor math skills that one of the older workers put up a sign:
3/4=0.75
2/3=0.66
1/2=0.50
1/3=0.33
1/4=0.25
I majored in English but I had a hard time believing anyone really needed that. I would have thought that someone who didn't know how to convert "one half" to decimal form wouldn't need to ask more than once but apparently I vastly overestimated the intelligence of the general public.
My optimism was shattered two days ago. About a week earlier, one of the workers had asked me, "What's an eighth?"
Thinking she just couldn't convert it from a fraction, I said, "Half of a fourth--one two five."
She stared blankly so I said, "Zero point one two or zero point one three." (The register doesn't go to thousandths.)
Another worker took her arm, showed her a scale, and then said to me, "You have to explain it dumber to some people."
The same worker asked me what an eighth was again this Sunday.
I tried to slowly say, "It will ring up as point one two or point one three."
She stared at me and said, "So it's more than a pound?"
It suddenly occurred to me what the problem was--she wasn't having trouble converting from a fraction, she didn't know what an eighth was.
The same worker who helped her before explained it to her in simpler terms.
The rest of the day she was proud with herself that she'd been so smart as to root for the Steelers.
Stupid from a Distance
If you're not familiar with the movie, Grizzly Man, read a review here.
Back in 1990, I worked a summer at the Cincinnati Zoo, selling memberships. The place was still in a dither after a former employee won a lawsuit against the zoo. It seemed that she decided to handfeed a grape to a male polar bear which promptly ripped off and ate her arm.
But it's not just bears. People who take Narnia a little too literally.
If you're not familiar with the movie, Grizzly Man, read a review here.
Back in 1990, I worked a summer at the Cincinnati Zoo, selling memberships. The place was still in a dither after a former employee won a lawsuit against the zoo. It seemed that she decided to handfeed a grape to a male polar bear which promptly ripped off and ate her arm.
But it's not just bears. People who take Narnia a little too literally.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Scared to Death
How many of you read about the axe trick and immediately thought of at least three people to try it on?
How many of you read about the axe trick and immediately thought of at least three people to try it on?
Best and Worst CGI Movies
Some nerd's opinion.
I agree about Shark's Tale (although my wife bought the DVD and soundtrack). Dinosaur was an incredible disappointment--the first ten minutes before they start talking was fantastic but the dialogue between an iguanadon and a bunch of lemurs didn't work for me.
I've watched all of one Veggie Tale and wasn't impressed. My daughter did check out one of their CDs from the library and some of them were pretty decent. I've seen Antz and Polar Express at the library and decided against either.
All of Pixar's efforts--Toy Story & II, Bug's Life, Finding Nemo, Monster's Inc., and The Incredibles--were good to excellent. I felt a little let down by the second Shrek but the first was great. Ice Age was funny but the background animation looked cheap.
Incredibly cheap CGI movies made directly for toy products like Barbie and Hot Wheels are about as bad as you'd expect. The Hot Wheels movie doesn't even try to make sense, just shows cars zipping around on tracks.
The weirdest CGI movie I've seen is The Magic of Mozart. It basically shows letters of the alphabet with classical music. I'm not sure how educational it is but it puts Devilboy to sleep pretty quick.
Some nerd's opinion.
I agree about Shark's Tale (although my wife bought the DVD and soundtrack). Dinosaur was an incredible disappointment--the first ten minutes before they start talking was fantastic but the dialogue between an iguanadon and a bunch of lemurs didn't work for me.
I've watched all of one Veggie Tale and wasn't impressed. My daughter did check out one of their CDs from the library and some of them were pretty decent. I've seen Antz and Polar Express at the library and decided against either.
All of Pixar's efforts--Toy Story & II, Bug's Life, Finding Nemo, Monster's Inc., and The Incredibles--were good to excellent. I felt a little let down by the second Shrek but the first was great. Ice Age was funny but the background animation looked cheap.
Incredibly cheap CGI movies made directly for toy products like Barbie and Hot Wheels are about as bad as you'd expect. The Hot Wheels movie doesn't even try to make sense, just shows cars zipping around on tracks.
The weirdest CGI movie I've seen is The Magic of Mozart. It basically shows letters of the alphabet with classical music. I'm not sure how educational it is but it puts Devilboy to sleep pretty quick.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Xmas Presents
In the spirit of spending in excess, here's the list of Christmas presents for the Devil Spawn. We were supposed to only get seven presents for each of them but we kept winding up with extra for one of them and after trying to even it out, we bought a whole toy store.
Devil Step-daughter
Five-in-One Game Table - Converts to mini-pool, ping pong, and three other games. Currently unopened in the back of her closet
Clash of the Titans DVD
Latest Series of Unfortunate Events book, the Penultimate Peril - Great children's series.
Latest Artemis Fowl book - I hate this series but, then again, I'm old and fat.
Toy Octopus - Great for making Barbie into Chthulu. Actually used for mock Pokemon battles with sister.
King Kong DVD
"How to Draw" book
Toy turtle - More Pokemon fights.
Devil Bat DVD - Yeah, they can't all be Kong.
Five Brainteaser games
Glow in the Dark Dragon jigsaw puzzle
Binoculars
Little Women - Token classic novel.
Plug and Play Atari Pacman game
Bengals sweatshirt
Harry Potter poster
Acoustic Guitar - Surprisingly, no problems yet.
Devilgirl
Simpson's Operation - Like the original but with Homer instead of the guy with the Moe haircut.
Lombre Pokemon figurine - See octopus and turtle.
Plastic battle axe and shield - Within 15 minutes, Devilboy broke the axe.
Plastic bug toy - More fights.
Pokemon DVD
Teen Titan trade paperback
Spidergirl trade paperback
Another Teen Titan trade paperback
Scooby doo book
Another Pokemon DVD
Rockem Sockem Robots - Currently on top of the kitchen cabinet after Devilboy went medieval on the red robot.
Yu-Gi-Oh Battle Blimp - When playing Pokemon isn't stupid enough.
Scooby Doo in "Where's My Mummy" DVD - Better than average Scooby mystery mainly due to--
SPOILER
the mummy turning out to be Velma.
Atomic Betty: Betty, Set, Go DVD - Better than Scooby cartoon show.
Anti-Alien Zap Gun - Fires easy to lose plastic disks.
My Pretty Pony Pegasus
Plush Unicorn
Plastic lump of coal with plastic Pokemon figurine inside
Dora the Explorer book
Play exercise equipment
Pixter computer learning-game
Pixter Teen Titans game
Pixter Scooby Doo game
Dora the Explorer costume jewelry
Chef outfit - Announced that she hated it, making her mother very angry.
Devilboy's
Set of coal cars - Toy cars inside of plastic lumps of coal
Hot Wheel race track
Jaws monster truck
King Kong talking book
Giant "We Will Rock You" car
Model motorcycle
Toy tool kit
Remote control car
Toy bulldozer
Toy jets - Already broke seven out of twelve within 24 hours.
Another model motorcycle
Book about tractors
Remote control jet
Remote control silver convertible - Broke control, now just really expensive rolling toy.
Toy chainsaw - Yes, I'm tempting fate.
Toy helicopter with parachuter
Set of racing cars
Ray gun with six sound effects
Model Air Force jet, Army tank, and Navy patrol boat
In the spirit of spending in excess, here's the list of Christmas presents for the Devil Spawn. We were supposed to only get seven presents for each of them but we kept winding up with extra for one of them and after trying to even it out, we bought a whole toy store.
Devil Step-daughter
Five-in-One Game Table - Converts to mini-pool, ping pong, and three other games. Currently unopened in the back of her closet
Clash of the Titans DVD
Latest Series of Unfortunate Events book, the Penultimate Peril - Great children's series.
Latest Artemis Fowl book - I hate this series but, then again, I'm old and fat.
Toy Octopus - Great for making Barbie into Chthulu. Actually used for mock Pokemon battles with sister.
King Kong DVD
"How to Draw" book
Toy turtle - More Pokemon fights.
Devil Bat DVD - Yeah, they can't all be Kong.
Five Brainteaser games
Glow in the Dark Dragon jigsaw puzzle
Binoculars
Little Women - Token classic novel.
Plug and Play Atari Pacman game
Bengals sweatshirt
Harry Potter poster
Acoustic Guitar - Surprisingly, no problems yet.
Devilgirl
Simpson's Operation - Like the original but with Homer instead of the guy with the Moe haircut.
Lombre Pokemon figurine - See octopus and turtle.
Plastic battle axe and shield - Within 15 minutes, Devilboy broke the axe.
Plastic bug toy - More fights.
Pokemon DVD
Teen Titan trade paperback
Spidergirl trade paperback
Another Teen Titan trade paperback
Scooby doo book
Another Pokemon DVD
Rockem Sockem Robots - Currently on top of the kitchen cabinet after Devilboy went medieval on the red robot.
Yu-Gi-Oh Battle Blimp - When playing Pokemon isn't stupid enough.
Scooby Doo in "Where's My Mummy" DVD - Better than average Scooby mystery mainly due to--
SPOILER
the mummy turning out to be Velma.
Atomic Betty: Betty, Set, Go DVD - Better than Scooby cartoon show.
Anti-Alien Zap Gun - Fires easy to lose plastic disks.
My Pretty Pony Pegasus
Plush Unicorn
Plastic lump of coal with plastic Pokemon figurine inside
Dora the Explorer book
Play exercise equipment
Pixter computer learning-game
Pixter Teen Titans game
Pixter Scooby Doo game
Dora the Explorer costume jewelry
Chef outfit - Announced that she hated it, making her mother very angry.
Devilboy's
Set of coal cars - Toy cars inside of plastic lumps of coal
Hot Wheel race track
Jaws monster truck
King Kong talking book
Giant "We Will Rock You" car
Model motorcycle
Toy tool kit
Remote control car
Toy bulldozer
Toy jets - Already broke seven out of twelve within 24 hours.
Another model motorcycle
Book about tractors
Remote control jet
Remote control silver convertible - Broke control, now just really expensive rolling toy.
Toy chainsaw - Yes, I'm tempting fate.
Toy helicopter with parachuter
Set of racing cars
Ray gun with six sound effects
Model Air Force jet, Army tank, and Navy patrol boat
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Library List
Here's a big nothing for you--what's checked out on my library card. It was up to nearly 50 items just days ago but now is down to nine.
Kids' Books
Picking apples & pumpkins. Hutchings, Amy
Scooby-Doo! and the cactus creature. Gelsey, James.
Scooby-doo! and the phantom cowboy McCann, Jesse Leon.
Kids' CDs
The lord of the rings, the fellowship of the ring [sound recording] : original motion picture soundtrack Shore, Howard.
Piglet's big movie [sound recording]
My Books
Armageddon now : the end of the world A to Z Willis, Jim
Greasy grimy gopher guts : the subversive folklore of childhood Sherman, Josepha. Dragons, unicorns, and other magical beasts; a dictionary of fabulous creatures with old tales and verses about them Palmer, Robin
A Chinese bestiary : strange creatures from the guideways through mountains and seas = [Shan hai jing]
Here's a big nothing for you--what's checked out on my library card. It was up to nearly 50 items just days ago but now is down to nine.
Kids' Books
Picking apples & pumpkins. Hutchings, Amy
Scooby-Doo! and the cactus creature. Gelsey, James.
Scooby-doo! and the phantom cowboy McCann, Jesse Leon.
Kids' CDs
The lord of the rings, the fellowship of the ring [sound recording] : original motion picture soundtrack Shore, Howard.
Piglet's big movie [sound recording]
My Books
Armageddon now : the end of the world A to Z Willis, Jim
Greasy grimy gopher guts : the subversive folklore of childhood Sherman, Josepha. Dragons, unicorns, and other magical beasts; a dictionary of fabulous creatures with old tales and verses about them Palmer, Robin
A Chinese bestiary : strange creatures from the guideways through mountains and seas = [Shan hai jing]
At Last--A New Post
Never meant to get so far behind. It just kept on building up.
A couple of moments from the last few weeks:
Dec. 23: A guy who lives in the building behind mine was walking home from Kroger and hit by a car on Five Mile Road. The crash broke his arm, his wrist, and both legs.
Dec. 24: An idiot kills a third-cousin once-removed. My mom thought that I met him all of once but his aunt and uncle live a few houses down from my parents, obviously making it about the worst Christmas imaginable for them.
Jan. 1: Devil boy is sick and keeps me up until 7:00 a.m. He is scheduled for a battery of tests at Children's Hospital tomorrow.
Assorted fights and misery.
I'm glad the holidays are over.
Never meant to get so far behind. It just kept on building up.
A couple of moments from the last few weeks:
Dec. 23: A guy who lives in the building behind mine was walking home from Kroger and hit by a car on Five Mile Road. The crash broke his arm, his wrist, and both legs.
Dec. 24: An idiot kills a third-cousin once-removed. My mom thought that I met him all of once but his aunt and uncle live a few houses down from my parents, obviously making it about the worst Christmas imaginable for them.
Jan. 1: Devil boy is sick and keeps me up until 7:00 a.m. He is scheduled for a battery of tests at Children's Hospital tomorrow.
Assorted fights and misery.
I'm glad the holidays are over.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Xenacate
Here's a post from the Museum of Hoaxes about the definition of "Xenacate." It's original meaning was:
but judging from the comments, the new definition is:
Can anyone help?
I thought of Ricardo Montalban at the end of the Naked Gun. He is shot, falls from a stadium, is run over by a truck, a steam roller, and a marching band. George Kennedy surveyed the scene and sobbed, "My father went the same way."
Here's a post from the Museum of Hoaxes about the definition of "Xenacate." It's original meaning was:
Xenacate, v.: To kill a TV or movie character off so completely that no chance remains of bringing her back from the dead. Inspired by the TV show Xena: Warrior Princess. Its occurrence usually indicates that the actor playing the character has lost her job under unpleasant circumstances and has no hope of being rehired.
but judging from the comments, the new definition is:
it primarily means killing a character off in an extremely violent and irreversible way. It only secondarily (and not in all cases) might suggest that the actor was fired.
Can anyone help?
I thought of Ricardo Montalban at the end of the Naked Gun. He is shot, falls from a stadium, is run over by a truck, a steam roller, and a marching band. George Kennedy surveyed the scene and sobbed, "My father went the same way."
Imagine the Spam
Walnut Hills, my old high school, had nude Greek statues in one of the hallways. Did graphic nudity warp my young mind or was it something else? One thing that I couldn't help but notice is that the guys weren't well endowed back in the day.
My only other real input about the average length of a penis was from letters to Penthouse's forum which put the normal penis at approximately 11 inches. This made me feel tremendously inadequate--I was almost half an inch shorter than most.
I haven't spent a whole lot of time on it but later I guessed that the teeny Greeks were the result of prudish sculptors, trying to de-emphasize something they couldn't realistically entirely remove.
I couldn't be more wrong. Tiny Greeks were the equivalent of the American foot-long.
Here's a full explanation.
If the Greeks had e-mail, what would clutter up their in-boxes? "Shrink your penis," "Have the smallest one on the block," "She'll need to invent the magnifying glass!"
In one of Kurt Vonnegut's novels, he states that the average penis is five and a half inches long. I guess the nice thing about modern America and ancient Greece is that nobody wants to be just average.
Walnut Hills, my old high school, had nude Greek statues in one of the hallways. Did graphic nudity warp my young mind or was it something else? One thing that I couldn't help but notice is that the guys weren't well endowed back in the day.
My only other real input about the average length of a penis was from letters to Penthouse's forum which put the normal penis at approximately 11 inches. This made me feel tremendously inadequate--I was almost half an inch shorter than most.
I haven't spent a whole lot of time on it but later I guessed that the teeny Greeks were the result of prudish sculptors, trying to de-emphasize something they couldn't realistically entirely remove.
I couldn't be more wrong. Tiny Greeks were the equivalent of the American foot-long.
A passage from Aristophanes sums up the most desirable masculine features: "a gleaming chest, bright skin, broad shoulders, tiny tongue, strong buttocks, and a little prick."Greeks fought wars to prove who were the shortest.
Here's a full explanation.
If the Greeks had e-mail, what would clutter up their in-boxes? "Shrink your penis," "Have the smallest one on the block," "She'll need to invent the magnifying glass!"
In one of Kurt Vonnegut's novels, he states that the average penis is five and a half inches long. I guess the nice thing about modern America and ancient Greece is that nobody wants to be just average.
Groping Angels
Another goofy news story is the horny angel wrapping paper that was handed out by a Canadian movie theater. Not much of a story but when I was looking for a picture of the paper on-line, I found several outraged religious types who threatened to boycott (how many more boycotts until they can't spend their money on anything but Mel Gibson videos?) One holy fellow pointed out that "This isn't an accurate depiction of angels."
How would anyone know what an angel looks like? Even if you accept the Bible as definitive proof, various parts of the Bible describe angels in different forms and list several types of angels. No Biblical descriptions match the cutesy winged angels found in Christian bookstore windows (those look more like Cupid, god of erotic love). For this blasphemy, I'm boycotting Christian bookstores.
Here's what it looks like. I wouldn't have noticed anything except for the big deal the angry folk made.
Another goofy news story is the horny angel wrapping paper that was handed out by a Canadian movie theater. Not much of a story but when I was looking for a picture of the paper on-line, I found several outraged religious types who threatened to boycott (how many more boycotts until they can't spend their money on anything but Mel Gibson videos?) One holy fellow pointed out that "This isn't an accurate depiction of angels."
How would anyone know what an angel looks like? Even if you accept the Bible as definitive proof, various parts of the Bible describe angels in different forms and list several types of angels. No Biblical descriptions match the cutesy winged angels found in Christian bookstore windows (those look more like Cupid, god of erotic love). For this blasphemy, I'm boycotting Christian bookstores.
Here's what it looks like. I wouldn't have noticed anything except for the big deal the angry folk made.
Dry Ohio Counties
Dope opens bar in dry county.
This has been all over the news but what surprised me is that there are dry counties in Ohio. Driving through the south makes it clear that many areas ban store-bought liquor but I'd hoped that craziness ended at the Ohio River.
How do these places generate revenue without alcohol taxes? I'm guessing they make it up with speed traps.
Dope opens bar in dry county.
This has been all over the news but what surprised me is that there are dry counties in Ohio. Driving through the south makes it clear that many areas ban store-bought liquor but I'd hoped that craziness ended at the Ohio River.
How do these places generate revenue without alcohol taxes? I'm guessing they make it up with speed traps.
Computer Pens
I'm sure many techies have seen this already but I was amazed at the size of these computers. How much smaller can they get before they're too small for comfort?
I'm sure many techies have seen this already but I was amazed at the size of these computers. How much smaller can they get before they're too small for comfort?
Shot by Police
On the heels of the mentally-ill man shot at the airport comes a dead chimp.
If all the facts are as they've been reported, I think the airport case was a tragedy but that the marshals were not in the wrong.
I worked a summer at the zoo and know chimps can be dangerous (one keeper had part of a finger bitten off) but have to wonder about the English police. Two orangutans escaped from the Columbus Zoo several years ago and Ohio police captured them (eventually) without incident (basis of one of Jack Hannah's books). Orangutans are more physically powerful than chimps (you don't want to mess with Dr. Zaius) so I wonder if the English shooting was necessary.
Here's a police shooting that's a little lighter.
On the heels of the mentally-ill man shot at the airport comes a dead chimp.
If all the facts are as they've been reported, I think the airport case was a tragedy but that the marshals were not in the wrong.
I worked a summer at the zoo and know chimps can be dangerous (one keeper had part of a finger bitten off) but have to wonder about the English police. Two orangutans escaped from the Columbus Zoo several years ago and Ohio police captured them (eventually) without incident (basis of one of Jack Hannah's books). Orangutans are more physically powerful than chimps (you don't want to mess with Dr. Zaius) so I wonder if the English shooting was necessary.
Here's a police shooting that's a little lighter.
New Ocean
Possible birth of a new ocean. I doubt if any of us will be around to surf on it but it changes projections of what the world will look like in the future.
Possible birth of a new ocean. I doubt if any of us will be around to surf on it but it changes projections of what the world will look like in the future.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Candid Camera meets Faces of Death
I'm sitting at the library waiting for my kids to quit piling up Yu-Gi-Oh DVDs. Devilboy just conked out for a nap and I'm balancing him, trying not to wake him up while typing.
But I had to add this link. I've always dreamed of doing something like this (although in a horror movie context). I'm surprised there hasn't been a When Pranks Go Horribly Wrong special on Fox.
I'm sitting at the library waiting for my kids to quit piling up Yu-Gi-Oh DVDs. Devilboy just conked out for a nap and I'm balancing him, trying not to wake him up while typing.
But I had to add this link. I've always dreamed of doing something like this (although in a horror movie context). I'm surprised there hasn't been a When Pranks Go Horribly Wrong special on Fox.
Deadlier of the Species II
Yesterday when I was cleaning the hamster cages, one of the females made an amazing jump, landed near one of her brothers, and bit his eye out. They both started fighting and she bit off a piece of my fingertip when I put her back in her own cage (and weighed down the top). The male didn't seem to care that the side of his face was matted down with blood and that his eye was crusted over. He seemed fine today but I'll keep a watch on him.
I guess she wasn't quite as violent as O.J. but it scared the daylights out of me.
Yesterday when I was cleaning the hamster cages, one of the females made an amazing jump, landed near one of her brothers, and bit his eye out. They both started fighting and she bit off a piece of my fingertip when I put her back in her own cage (and weighed down the top). The male didn't seem to care that the side of his face was matted down with blood and that his eye was crusted over. He seemed fine today but I'll keep a watch on him.
I guess she wasn't quite as violent as O.J. but it scared the daylights out of me.
Murder and Blogging
Guess I shouldn't mention those six severed heads buried in the rose garden.
I saw a number of posts about this on Pseudojournalist but you'd think this is something even a sloppy killer would consider.
Guess I shouldn't mention those six severed heads buried in the rose garden.
I saw a number of posts about this on Pseudojournalist but you'd think this is something even a sloppy killer would consider.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Man Admits Guilt to Fatal Horse Sex
Remember the horribly disgusting case a few months back when the pervert was killed while having sex with a horse?
You can sleep easier knowing the man partially responsible is heading up the river.
Actually he just got a suspended license, a fine, and a few hours of community service but I wanted to throw in a "sleeps with the fishes" joke.
What community service would this guy be best suited for?
Remember the horribly disgusting case a few months back when the pervert was killed while having sex with a horse?
You can sleep easier knowing the man partially responsible is heading up the river.
Actually he just got a suspended license, a fine, and a few hours of community service but I wanted to throw in a "sleeps with the fishes" joke.
What community service would this guy be best suited for?
Ho, Ho, Ho
A four-year old girl wanted to see mall Santa but her mom didn't want to spring for the $21 picture. In the spirit of the season, she was told to take a hike.
She should have kicked him in the crotch and pulled off his damn beard.
A four-year old girl wanted to see mall Santa but her mom didn't want to spring for the $21 picture. In the spirit of the season, she was told to take a hike.
She should have kicked him in the crotch and pulled off his damn beard.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Devilboy's Kryptonite?
(Set roughly 25 years in the future when I have enough energy to write a new Devilboy script)
Devilboy (growing to 75 feet tall a la Apache Chief from Superfriends): All mankind is doomed! Prepare for the portal of hell to be opened and Hell and Earth shall be one.
Person opposing DB, I don't know, let's say...Moe: This ought to stop ya! (throws object)
DB (screams, shrinking to microscopic size): My only weakness! Noooooooooo!!!
Moe (about to say something smug but--)
DB (bursts out of the earth, blasting lava from his eyes, reducing Moe to cinders): I like my peanut chunky style. . . chunky with the tortured flesh of my enemies! (laughs hysterically and vaporizes the world)
(Credits roll)
It cost $55 and two hours of my life but DB doesn't seem to be allergic to peanuts, pecans, almonds, or walnuts.
Years ago when I was tested for allergies, about the age of 12, they dabbed 42 solutions of different solutions (containing cat saliva, pollen, mold, peanuts, etc) on my arm and broke the skin beneath them with a needle. Only cat and ash tree pollen caused a reaction.
Knowing DB would never sit still for something that involved, they tried seven solutions on his back (one was a control that always causes a reaction and peanuts were tested twice). Only the control area broke out.
The doctor wants us to try more blood tests (which ought to be really fun) but DB's problem on Tuesday might be totally unrelated to peanuts. This could be the end of the world as we know it.
(Set roughly 25 years in the future when I have enough energy to write a new Devilboy script)
Devilboy (growing to 75 feet tall a la Apache Chief from Superfriends): All mankind is doomed! Prepare for the portal of hell to be opened and Hell and Earth shall be one.
Person opposing DB, I don't know, let's say...Moe: This ought to stop ya! (throws object)
DB (screams, shrinking to microscopic size): My only weakness! Noooooooooo!!!
Moe (about to say something smug but--)
DB (bursts out of the earth, blasting lava from his eyes, reducing Moe to cinders): I like my peanut chunky style. . . chunky with the tortured flesh of my enemies! (laughs hysterically and vaporizes the world)
(Credits roll)
It cost $55 and two hours of my life but DB doesn't seem to be allergic to peanuts, pecans, almonds, or walnuts.
Years ago when I was tested for allergies, about the age of 12, they dabbed 42 solutions of different solutions (containing cat saliva, pollen, mold, peanuts, etc) on my arm and broke the skin beneath them with a needle. Only cat and ash tree pollen caused a reaction.
Knowing DB would never sit still for something that involved, they tried seven solutions on his back (one was a control that always causes a reaction and peanuts were tested twice). Only the control area broke out.
The doctor wants us to try more blood tests (which ought to be really fun) but DB's problem on Tuesday might be totally unrelated to peanuts. This could be the end of the world as we know it.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Another Stupid Dragon Question
After the dragon/dinosaur issue from the new Scooby Doo DVD, we watched Rankin/Bass animated Hobbit. My stepdaughter asked about Smaug (if he looked that way in the book) and somehow we started talking about dragon books. She has the new Dragonology book and has read The Hobbit and Harry Potter.
Two questions: What would be your nomination for best dragon book overall? And what would be a good book for 12-year old girls? (She hasn't read Conan and I'm kinda happy to keep it that way. I was thinking the Dragon Riders series which I personally didn't like but has a strong female following.)
After the dragon/dinosaur issue from the new Scooby Doo DVD, we watched Rankin/Bass animated Hobbit. My stepdaughter asked about Smaug (if he looked that way in the book) and somehow we started talking about dragon books. She has the new Dragonology book and has read The Hobbit and Harry Potter.
Two questions: What would be your nomination for best dragon book overall? And what would be a good book for 12-year old girls? (She hasn't read Conan and I'm kinda happy to keep it that way. I was thinking the Dragon Riders series which I personally didn't like but has a strong female following.)
Devilboy's Kryptonite
(Set roughly 25 years in the future when I have enough energy to write a new Devilboy script)
Devilboy (growing to 75 feet tall a la Apache Chief from Superfriends): All mankind is doomed! Prepare for the portal of hell to be opened and Hell and Earth shall be one.
Person opposing DB, I don't know, let's say...Moe: This ought to stop ya! (throws object)
DB (screams, shrinking to microscopic size): My only weakness! Noooooooooo!!!
Moe (looking at spot where DB disappeared): Well, he's stopped for now. But if he ever returns, I'll have more of THIS waiting for him.
(Holds up a peanut butter jar as credits roll)
Yesterday I had to pick DB up from school because he'd broken out in a rash on his hands and face. I think it was from the peanut butter that he had on his toast (he smears it like crazy). Tomorrow he's getting tested for food allergies but he's never had a reaction to peanuts before.
Then I read about this. Great.
(Set roughly 25 years in the future when I have enough energy to write a new Devilboy script)
Devilboy (growing to 75 feet tall a la Apache Chief from Superfriends): All mankind is doomed! Prepare for the portal of hell to be opened and Hell and Earth shall be one.
Person opposing DB, I don't know, let's say...Moe: This ought to stop ya! (throws object)
DB (screams, shrinking to microscopic size): My only weakness! Noooooooooo!!!
Moe (looking at spot where DB disappeared): Well, he's stopped for now. But if he ever returns, I'll have more of THIS waiting for him.
(Holds up a peanut butter jar as credits roll)
Yesterday I had to pick DB up from school because he'd broken out in a rash on his hands and face. I think it was from the peanut butter that he had on his toast (he smears it like crazy). Tomorrow he's getting tested for food allergies but he's never had a reaction to peanuts before.
Then I read about this. Great.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Recovering
Had a rough, rough Thanksgiving. My wife is visiting her mother and left me with the kids but it's winding down. It was my first scheduled day off since September 23 (I missed a class at Clermont due to, ahem, problems but yesterday was the first legit full day off). I'm real thankful to be working.
Had a rough, rough Thanksgiving. My wife is visiting her mother and left me with the kids but it's winding down. It was my first scheduled day off since September 23 (I missed a class at Clermont due to, ahem, problems but yesterday was the first legit full day off). I'm real thankful to be working.
Liberal Bias
A blow to objectivity even if it does sound funny.
I have no problem with teachers having strong views or talking about them when it's appropriate (which is a worthless word since no one can agree when something is appropriate) but this guy just gave his opponents more ammo.
Even though I don't think it should be in the classroom, I would like to see the whole quiz. It's sounds like the opposite of this which was defended by some of the people who will cry foul about the new one.
A blow to objectivity even if it does sound funny.
I have no problem with teachers having strong views or talking about them when it's appropriate (which is a worthless word since no one can agree when something is appropriate) but this guy just gave his opponents more ammo.
Even though I don't think it should be in the classroom, I would like to see the whole quiz. It's sounds like the opposite of this which was defended by some of the people who will cry foul about the new one.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
"It Turns into Kim Cattrall When You're Not Here"
Is this guy really, really stupid or are bad 80s movies coming to life?
And is this guy just stupid or crazy?
Is this guy really, really stupid or are bad 80s movies coming to life?
And is this guy just stupid or crazy?
Anyone From Mason?
According to Snopes, it's possible that someone in Mason, Ohio, has the most disturbing Christmas light display ever.
Has anyone seen this? Are there 12 people in the south-east Ohio area who would convict me if I shot this guy if he lived next to me?
According to Snopes, it's possible that someone in Mason, Ohio, has the most disturbing Christmas light display ever.
Has anyone seen this? Are there 12 people in the south-east Ohio area who would convict me if I shot this guy if he lived next to me?
Chasing the Wolf
I finished Nathan Singer's new novel Chasing the Wolf last night about 2:30. I'll say up-front that I know Nathan Singer but despite my high praise, he hasn't slipped me any payola (although I'm completely open to it).
It has a couple literary elements that I don't regularly care for but it all fits together like a surrealistic jigsaw puzzle. It's like the cyclone from The Wizard of Oz picks you up and you stare through your window at whirling faces who transform from the ordinary into nightmares. Only in this case the cyclone sets you down someplace much darker than Oz.
Although the plot involves time travel, it doesn't have a have a science fiction feel to it at all. Like Richard Matheson's Bid Time Return and Jack Finney's Time and Again, the focus is on the characters, not the mechanics of a time machine but this is far more dangerous. Octavia Butler's Kindred is the closest thing I've ever encountered: dealing with race relations and devotion beyond time.
I'm not normally the type who wants to read a happy-ending version of King Lear or hope for Lear II: Regan's Revenge but in this case I would love to see more of these characters and the world of this novel. Just the theories of Time-walking that one Walker develops are better than any hard-pseudo-science explanation. We get a glimpse of something incredibly intriguing and it ends before I was ready to let go. It's like watching a beautiful woman begin to undress but then she sees you and yanks shut the blinds.
I highly recommend Chasing the Wolf but don't start it at night if you have to wake up early in the morning.
I finished Nathan Singer's new novel Chasing the Wolf last night about 2:30. I'll say up-front that I know Nathan Singer but despite my high praise, he hasn't slipped me any payola (although I'm completely open to it).
It has a couple literary elements that I don't regularly care for but it all fits together like a surrealistic jigsaw puzzle. It's like the cyclone from The Wizard of Oz picks you up and you stare through your window at whirling faces who transform from the ordinary into nightmares. Only in this case the cyclone sets you down someplace much darker than Oz.
Although the plot involves time travel, it doesn't have a have a science fiction feel to it at all. Like Richard Matheson's Bid Time Return and Jack Finney's Time and Again, the focus is on the characters, not the mechanics of a time machine but this is far more dangerous. Octavia Butler's Kindred is the closest thing I've ever encountered: dealing with race relations and devotion beyond time.
I'm not normally the type who wants to read a happy-ending version of King Lear or hope for Lear II: Regan's Revenge but in this case I would love to see more of these characters and the world of this novel. Just the theories of Time-walking that one Walker develops are better than any hard-pseudo-science explanation. We get a glimpse of something incredibly intriguing and it ends before I was ready to let go. It's like watching a beautiful woman begin to undress but then she sees you and yanks shut the blinds.
I highly recommend Chasing the Wolf but don't start it at night if you have to wake up early in the morning.
Quick Class
Only about half my class showed up tonight but, being the day before Thanksgiving and after the snow we had earlier today, I wasn't expecting anyone. Naturally the students who came were not the ones who needed most of the lessons to begin with so I cut it criminally short. I've heard (possible urban legend) that this is the busiest bar night of the year so it's probably for the best that they get home before the drunks come out. I had a former student killed by a drunk driver and I'd rather let class out early than have another.
We read How to Give a Pill to a Cat and Dog for the Explaining Processes paper. It's probably the most popular reading assignment in any of my classes.
Only about half my class showed up tonight but, being the day before Thanksgiving and after the snow we had earlier today, I wasn't expecting anyone. Naturally the students who came were not the ones who needed most of the lessons to begin with so I cut it criminally short. I've heard (possible urban legend) that this is the busiest bar night of the year so it's probably for the best that they get home before the drunks come out. I had a former student killed by a drunk driver and I'd rather let class out early than have another.
We read How to Give a Pill to a Cat and Dog for the Explaining Processes paper. It's probably the most popular reading assignment in any of my classes.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Science--A Major Disgrace
With everything else I should have read, I thumbed through John A. Keel's Complete Guide to Mysterious Beings. Compared to most of the paranormal crowd, I've always thought Keel was one of the sanest of the bunch. Then he goes and ruins it with:
believing in mass suicide by lemming (and here)and "boa constrictors crush all the bones of their victims before swallowing them whole."
"There has been much speculation since then [1760] that the plant was somehow introduced to our world by a crashing meteor."
"There are creatures which can fly on wings too short to support their bulbous bodies. We call them bumblebees."
"Most newspaper reports are very reliable."
"Science, by and large, is a lot of bull." "Science has become a major disgrace."
Keel classifies scientists as Type A who "works for a large corporation or an important government agency" and Type B "usually a teacher at some university or small college."
Type A: The scientist who works for a tobacco company and proves that smoking is unrelated to cancer.
Type B: Pharyngula.
Type A are trustworthy; "Much of the scientific rubbish you read in your daily newspapers comes from the mouths of Type B." (Okay, if newspapers are reliable, how can they also be full of rubbish? The sad thing is that he makes these statements just pages apart.)
He later chides Type B scientists for claiming that Bigfoot sightings are escaped apes. I can believe that someone has at one time or another claimed that Bigfoot was an escaped ape but most believe this, this, this, and this.
In fairness to Keel's, his claims are no more outlandish and his views on science no more hostile than 90% of the world's religions have been but, when I checked this book out, I really wanted to like it. Keel has a strong writing style and crams a lot of info on a page but attacking scientists doesn't make Mothman sound more credible.
With everything else I should have read, I thumbed through John A. Keel's Complete Guide to Mysterious Beings. Compared to most of the paranormal crowd, I've always thought Keel was one of the sanest of the bunch. Then he goes and ruins it with:
believing in mass suicide by lemming (and here)and "boa constrictors crush all the bones of their victims before swallowing them whole."
"There has been much speculation since then [1760] that the plant was somehow introduced to our world by a crashing meteor."
"There are creatures which can fly on wings too short to support their bulbous bodies. We call them bumblebees."
"Most newspaper reports are very reliable."
"Science, by and large, is a lot of bull." "Science has become a major disgrace."
Keel classifies scientists as Type A who "works for a large corporation or an important government agency" and Type B "usually a teacher at some university or small college."
Type A: The scientist who works for a tobacco company and proves that smoking is unrelated to cancer.
Type B: Pharyngula.
Type A are trustworthy; "Much of the scientific rubbish you read in your daily newspapers comes from the mouths of Type B." (Okay, if newspapers are reliable, how can they also be full of rubbish? The sad thing is that he makes these statements just pages apart.)
He later chides Type B scientists for claiming that Bigfoot sightings are escaped apes. I can believe that someone has at one time or another claimed that Bigfoot was an escaped ape but most believe this, this, this, and this.
In fairness to Keel's, his claims are no more outlandish and his views on science no more hostile than 90% of the world's religions have been but, when I checked this book out, I really wanted to like it. Keel has a strong writing style and crams a lot of info on a page but attacking scientists doesn't make Mothman sound more credible.
I'll Pass on Russian Meat
You hear about mad cow disease and that dogs, cats, etc. are used in Chinese restaurants.
According to Polyansky, there has been no cannibalism cases in the Rostov region in more than 10 years.
Is it just me or does that remind you of a "No accidents for [blank] days"? I have heard that under Stalin, it was so bad that the government put up "Eating corpses is illegal" posters. Considerate guy, that Joey.
You hear about mad cow disease and that dogs, cats, etc. are used in Chinese restaurants.
According to Polyansky, there has been no cannibalism cases in the Rostov region in more than 10 years.
Is it just me or does that remind you of a "No accidents for [blank] days"? I have heard that under Stalin, it was so bad that the government put up "Eating corpses is illegal" posters. Considerate guy, that Joey.
Turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement!
Not exactly. But a bunch of them fell off a truck.
Not exactly. But a bunch of them fell off a truck.
Thanks for the Dragons
A big 90210 thank you for everyone who helped think of dragon movies. (I don't know how I could forget Shrek--how'd my kids forget?
The animators who made The Hobbit and The Last Unicorn also made a movie based on The Dragon and the George called A Flight of Dragons. It's not spectacular but it does feature a boatload of dragons.
My new theory is that my kids didn't think the Scooby Doo dragon was a dinosaur because they don't recognize dragons but because the Scooby gang was vacationing in Scotland in that episode. That was probably the only time any toons have visited Scotland and not seen the dinosaur-like Nessie.
My five-year old is convinced that Nessie is real but Bigfoot is fake because Scooby Doo says so.
A big 90210 thank you for everyone who helped think of dragon movies. (I don't know how I could forget Shrek--how'd my kids forget?
The animators who made The Hobbit and The Last Unicorn also made a movie based on The Dragon and the George called A Flight of Dragons. It's not spectacular but it does feature a boatload of dragons.
My new theory is that my kids didn't think the Scooby Doo dragon was a dinosaur because they don't recognize dragons but because the Scooby gang was vacationing in Scotland in that episode. That was probably the only time any toons have visited Scotland and not seen the dinosaur-like Nessie.
My five-year old is convinced that Nessie is real but Bigfoot is fake because Scooby Doo says so.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Movies with Dragons
The new Scooby Doo DVD has a dragon as one of the fake monsters and my kids initially thought it was a dinosaur. Sleeping Beauty and Sword in the Stone both have witches that turn into dragons but I can't think of many real dragon movies.
There's Dragon Slayer, The Hobbit cartoon, Mystery Science Theater 3000 fodder The Magic Sword (which was probably the best MST3K movie even if it was directed by Burt I. Gordon), the horrible Dungeons and Dragons movie, and a lot of low budget stuff. Am I missing anything or is there a serious lack of dragon movies available. I know Covington had a screen play about one--it could be Hollywood's next hot property.
The new Scooby Doo DVD has a dragon as one of the fake monsters and my kids initially thought it was a dinosaur. Sleeping Beauty and Sword in the Stone both have witches that turn into dragons but I can't think of many real dragon movies.
There's Dragon Slayer, The Hobbit cartoon, Mystery Science Theater 3000 fodder The Magic Sword (which was probably the best MST3K movie even if it was directed by Burt I. Gordon), the horrible Dungeons and Dragons movie, and a lot of low budget stuff. Am I missing anything or is there a serious lack of dragon movies available. I know Covington had a screen play about one--it could be Hollywood's next hot property.
Flying Machine Debunked
Via the Museum of Hoaxes, a website for disproving the myth that vehicles made of metal can fly.
It's almost too easy to say that's no dumber than Creationism but that was the first thought to come to mind.
Via the Museum of Hoaxes, a website for disproving the myth that vehicles made of metal can fly.
It's almost too easy to say that's no dumber than Creationism but that was the first thought to come to mind.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
15-Inch Waist
I've seen this before and kept hoping it's fake. I guess everyone has the right to do whatever they want to their bodies, up to hacking off parts with a clipper.
I've seen this before and kept hoping it's fake. I guess everyone has the right to do whatever they want to their bodies, up to hacking off parts with a clipper.
Fan Cuts Off Own Testicles
I might get so excited over an unexpected sports victory that I'd trim my ear or nose hair. Maybe, if I told everyone that I'd shave my head if my team won, I'd go through with it. But this guy went a bit too far.
"I can't have kids now but still want a family - maybe I'll adopt."
I might get so excited over an unexpected sports victory that I'd trim my ear or nose hair. Maybe, if I told everyone that I'd shave my head if my team won, I'd go through with it. But this guy went a bit too far.
"I can't have kids now but still want a family - maybe I'll adopt."
Crisis of Infinite Earths
I got set off over at Walk in Brain about the state of DC Comics. Most of what I don't like about DC goes back to the mid-80s with a storyline called Crisis on Infinite Earths. Yes, I have nothing better to do but think about something that happened to Superman 20 years ago.
Superman, Batman, and a million other superheroes were created back in the 1940s. Max Gaines, father of Bill "Mad Magazine" Gaines, was one of the men who saw the potential in blatantly nonrealistic characters (as opposed to comics about pirates, cowboys, police, science fiction and fantasy [realistic in their own worlds], romance, etc.
During WWII, the public couldn't get enough superheroes. After the war, all but Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman faded away. Twenty-some years later, superheroes made a comeback and DC Comics found themselves with dozens of popular characters.
The trouble was that if Superman and crew had gone up against Hitler and Tojo, they'd start to gray in the 60s, so, starting with a story about the Flash, DC established that the new heroes were on Earth 1, the WWII vets were on Earth 2 in a different dimension. Given that most comic book geeks were also science fiction geeks, familiar with parallel world stories, this wasn't a problem.
Eventually more earths popped up--Earth 3, plagued by evil versions of Earth 1's good guys; Earth X, where the Nazis won; Earth S, where Captain Marvel and his family lived; and many more. One earth was exactly like Earth 1 but everyone's sex was switched (Superwoman, Wonder Man, Louis Lane, etc.). Another was full of talking animals, protected by Captain Carrot.
Eventually DC introduced Earth Prime, our earth, which was on the verge of seeing its first superhero (hey, no dumber an idea than the Rapture). For a while it looked like DC was going to switch focus from Earth 1 to Earth Prime and reboot. The heroes of Earth 1 were getting old and could use an update.
Instead DC destroyed most of the earths and combined the few survivors into one world. Okay, given the Quantum Mechanics suggests that there are multiple, if not an infinite, number of our own universe, this makes the DC Comics universe far less wondrous and interesting than our own.
Now when writers tell "what if" stories at DC, they have to label it "Elseworlds, imaginary stories" (as if any story about flying aliens and bat people isn't imaginary). This has affected the way cosmic events are treated (the ending of Mark Millar's Red Son and anything with Jack Kirby's Tomorrow People seems off).
DC execs have admitted that the whole event was to attract attention from Marvel Comic fans and to reboot their titles with a fresh start so new fans wouldn't feel left out.
Not that it's a pressing issue of today but they wiped out a world where Georgia Bush is president for a sales gimmick that could have been avoided with more imagination. Oh yeah, they also killed Flash and Supergirl but it was destroying that transsexual earth that still has me miffed.
I got set off over at Walk in Brain about the state of DC Comics. Most of what I don't like about DC goes back to the mid-80s with a storyline called Crisis on Infinite Earths. Yes, I have nothing better to do but think about something that happened to Superman 20 years ago.
Superman, Batman, and a million other superheroes were created back in the 1940s. Max Gaines, father of Bill "Mad Magazine" Gaines, was one of the men who saw the potential in blatantly nonrealistic characters (as opposed to comics about pirates, cowboys, police, science fiction and fantasy [realistic in their own worlds], romance, etc.
During WWII, the public couldn't get enough superheroes. After the war, all but Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman faded away. Twenty-some years later, superheroes made a comeback and DC Comics found themselves with dozens of popular characters.
The trouble was that if Superman and crew had gone up against Hitler and Tojo, they'd start to gray in the 60s, so, starting with a story about the Flash, DC established that the new heroes were on Earth 1, the WWII vets were on Earth 2 in a different dimension. Given that most comic book geeks were also science fiction geeks, familiar with parallel world stories, this wasn't a problem.
Eventually more earths popped up--Earth 3, plagued by evil versions of Earth 1's good guys; Earth X, where the Nazis won; Earth S, where Captain Marvel and his family lived; and many more. One earth was exactly like Earth 1 but everyone's sex was switched (Superwoman, Wonder Man, Louis Lane, etc.). Another was full of talking animals, protected by Captain Carrot.
Eventually DC introduced Earth Prime, our earth, which was on the verge of seeing its first superhero (hey, no dumber an idea than the Rapture). For a while it looked like DC was going to switch focus from Earth 1 to Earth Prime and reboot. The heroes of Earth 1 were getting old and could use an update.
Instead DC destroyed most of the earths and combined the few survivors into one world. Okay, given the Quantum Mechanics suggests that there are multiple, if not an infinite, number of our own universe, this makes the DC Comics universe far less wondrous and interesting than our own.
Now when writers tell "what if" stories at DC, they have to label it "Elseworlds, imaginary stories" (as if any story about flying aliens and bat people isn't imaginary). This has affected the way cosmic events are treated (the ending of Mark Millar's Red Son and anything with Jack Kirby's Tomorrow People seems off).
DC execs have admitted that the whole event was to attract attention from Marvel Comic fans and to reboot their titles with a fresh start so new fans wouldn't feel left out.
Not that it's a pressing issue of today but they wiped out a world where Georgia Bush is president for a sales gimmick that could have been avoided with more imagination. Oh yeah, they also killed Flash and Supergirl but it was destroying that transsexual earth that still has me miffed.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
A Rose for Bucca
My dog has a weird effect on reality. His enemies come to gruesome fates.
He was passed along as a puppy and one of his early "owners" kept him in the basement a minimum of 18 hours a day, rarely fed him, and let him run loose in Clifton Heights, eating food from garbage cans. That guy died in a boating accident on the Ohio River, literally losing his head.
On Sunday, three police cars and a coroner's van pulled up in front of our building. After a short while, a horrible stench oozed over the whole area. One of the neighbors, who lived two floors directly below me, had died sometime around Halloween. I don't have full details and don't particularly want them but I can't see how serial killers can stand it. Rotting bodies don't smell so much as old garbage but like old dishes that have sat in a sink full of water for a long, long time.
I feel sorry for the guy and have to wonder if he had any family at all for this to happen. He was relatively young (at least ten years younger than anyone else on his floor) and seemed healthy the last time I saw him. He was known for complaining about dogs (repeatedly about my dog Bucca) and children (repeatedly about Devilboy until I brought up the magic letters "ADA" to the condo association). He also stopped and confronted my stepdaughter when she was walking home from school about making too much noise. Afterwards, when I went down to talk to him afterwards, he was pretty contrite.
One of the neighbors made the comment, "On the bright side, I guess I won't get any more letters about my grandkids."
I don't know if Bucca put the hex on him but it tells me not to complain about everything in life (and, no, that doesn't mean I'm shutting down the blog). I doubt if anyone could have done something to save his life but I don't know of anyone else who could disappear for two weeks and not be noticed.
My dog has a weird effect on reality. His enemies come to gruesome fates.
He was passed along as a puppy and one of his early "owners" kept him in the basement a minimum of 18 hours a day, rarely fed him, and let him run loose in Clifton Heights, eating food from garbage cans. That guy died in a boating accident on the Ohio River, literally losing his head.
On Sunday, three police cars and a coroner's van pulled up in front of our building. After a short while, a horrible stench oozed over the whole area. One of the neighbors, who lived two floors directly below me, had died sometime around Halloween. I don't have full details and don't particularly want them but I can't see how serial killers can stand it. Rotting bodies don't smell so much as old garbage but like old dishes that have sat in a sink full of water for a long, long time.
I feel sorry for the guy and have to wonder if he had any family at all for this to happen. He was relatively young (at least ten years younger than anyone else on his floor) and seemed healthy the last time I saw him. He was known for complaining about dogs (repeatedly about my dog Bucca) and children (repeatedly about Devilboy until I brought up the magic letters "ADA" to the condo association). He also stopped and confronted my stepdaughter when she was walking home from school about making too much noise. Afterwards, when I went down to talk to him afterwards, he was pretty contrite.
One of the neighbors made the comment, "On the bright side, I guess I won't get any more letters about my grandkids."
I don't know if Bucca put the hex on him but it tells me not to complain about everything in life (and, no, that doesn't mean I'm shutting down the blog). I doubt if anyone could have done something to save his life but I don't know of anyone else who could disappear for two weeks and not be noticed.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Library List
I haven't done this for a while so here's what is currently checked out on my library card:
Kids’ Videos
The Wiggles. Toot Toot!
Miracle of Mozart: teaching your child-- ABCs (Good for inducing sleep)
Yu-gi-oh! (Wondering what makes Pokemon look good?)
Yu-gi-oh! Battle City duels
Kids' Books
A Cake all for me Beil, Karen Magnuson.
The Firefighters' Thanksgiving Boelts, Maribeth
What can Pinky hear? Cousins, Lucy.
Maisy goes to the library Cousins, Lucy.
Stop and go, Maisy Cousins, Lucy.
One big building : a counting book about construction Dahl, Michael.
We gather together-- now please get lost! De Groat, Diane.
Bart Simpson's treehouse of horror. Spine-tingling spooktacular Groening, Matt. (Yes, I read it too)
Mice squeak, we speak : a poem De Paola, Tomie.
Scooby Doo! and the rowdy rodeo Gelsey, James.
Scooby-Doo! and the caveman caper Gelsey, James.
Giant earthmovers Gould, Robert.
Toot & Puddle : Puddle's ABC Hobbie, Holly.
Picking apples & pumpkins Hutchings, Amy.
Hamsters today : a complete and up-to-date guide Kelsey-Wood, Dennis.
"Eat!" cried little pig London, Jonathan
Polar bear, polar bear, what do you hear? Martin, Bill
Scooby-doo! and the phantom cowboy McCann, Jesse Leon.
Scooby-doo! and the opera ogre McCann, Jesse Leon.
Ripley's believe it or not! Packard, Mary.
Red light, green light Suen, Anastasia.
Fox in Socks Seuss, Dr. (Possibly the best Dr. Seuss book after Green Eggs and Ham)
Buzzy's birthday Ziefert, Harriet.
Stepdaughter’s CDs
The lord of the rings, the fellowship of the ring [sound recording] Shore, Howard.
Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban
My Books
Mythical and Fabulous Creatures : a source book and research guide
Gypsy Folk Tales
A Chinese Bestiary : strange creatures from the guideways through mountains and seas
The Superhero Book : the ultimate encyclopedia of comic-book icons and Hollywood heroes
The Beast Within Douglas, Adam. (That’s Adam Douglas, not the guy who wrote Hitchhikers)
The Dictionary of Misinformation Burnam, Tom.
Legends of Santería González-Wippler, Migene.
Greek myths Graves, Robert
The Complete Guide to Mysterious Beings Keel, John A.
A Dictionary of Asian mythology Leeming, David Adams
Encyclopedia of legendary creatures McGowen, Tom.
The Beasts of Never : a history natural & un-natural of monsters mythical & magical McHargue, Georgess.
Penn & Teller's how to play in traffic Jillette, Penn.
"Mythopoeikon" : fantasies, monsters, nightmares, daydreams Woodroffe, Patrick
I haven't done this for a while so here's what is currently checked out on my library card:
Kids’ Videos
The Wiggles. Toot Toot!
Miracle of Mozart: teaching your child-- ABCs (Good for inducing sleep)
Yu-gi-oh! (Wondering what makes Pokemon look good?)
Yu-gi-oh! Battle City duels
Kids' Books
A Cake all for me Beil, Karen Magnuson.
The Firefighters' Thanksgiving Boelts, Maribeth
What can Pinky hear? Cousins, Lucy.
Maisy goes to the library Cousins, Lucy.
Stop and go, Maisy Cousins, Lucy.
One big building : a counting book about construction Dahl, Michael.
We gather together-- now please get lost! De Groat, Diane.
Bart Simpson's treehouse of horror. Spine-tingling spooktacular Groening, Matt. (Yes, I read it too)
Mice squeak, we speak : a poem De Paola, Tomie.
Scooby Doo! and the rowdy rodeo Gelsey, James.
Scooby-Doo! and the caveman caper Gelsey, James.
Giant earthmovers Gould, Robert.
Toot & Puddle : Puddle's ABC Hobbie, Holly.
Picking apples & pumpkins Hutchings, Amy.
Hamsters today : a complete and up-to-date guide Kelsey-Wood, Dennis.
"Eat!" cried little pig London, Jonathan
Polar bear, polar bear, what do you hear? Martin, Bill
Scooby-doo! and the phantom cowboy McCann, Jesse Leon.
Scooby-doo! and the opera ogre McCann, Jesse Leon.
Ripley's believe it or not! Packard, Mary.
Red light, green light Suen, Anastasia.
Fox in Socks Seuss, Dr. (Possibly the best Dr. Seuss book after Green Eggs and Ham)
Buzzy's birthday Ziefert, Harriet.
Stepdaughter’s CDs
The lord of the rings, the fellowship of the ring [sound recording] Shore, Howard.
Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban
My Books
Mythical and Fabulous Creatures : a source book and research guide
Gypsy Folk Tales
A Chinese Bestiary : strange creatures from the guideways through mountains and seas
The Superhero Book : the ultimate encyclopedia of comic-book icons and Hollywood heroes
The Beast Within Douglas, Adam. (That’s Adam Douglas, not the guy who wrote Hitchhikers)
The Dictionary of Misinformation Burnam, Tom.
Legends of Santería González-Wippler, Migene.
Greek myths Graves, Robert
The Complete Guide to Mysterious Beings Keel, John A.
A Dictionary of Asian mythology Leeming, David Adams
Encyclopedia of legendary creatures McGowen, Tom.
The Beasts of Never : a history natural & un-natural of monsters mythical & magical McHargue, Georgess.
Penn & Teller's how to play in traffic Jillette, Penn.
"Mythopoeikon" : fantasies, monsters, nightmares, daydreams Woodroffe, Patrick
Killing Nessie
Actually, Nessie's hot Swedish cousin, Helga.
I'm not insulting the monster crowd. Back when I was trying to write a book about this stuff, cryptozoologists, like Mr. Berko, as a rule were good-natured, helpful, intelligent, and considerate. UFOlogists ran from nuts to really nuts and psychics were either innocently crazy or blood-sucking leeches.
Actually, Nessie's hot Swedish cousin, Helga.
"We are not fanatics," said Christer Berko, of the Storsjo monster association. "We see this as very interesting phenomenon that we unfortunately have not been able to document."
I'm not insulting the monster crowd. Back when I was trying to write a book about this stuff, cryptozoologists, like Mr. Berko, as a rule were good-natured, helpful, intelligent, and considerate. UFOlogists ran from nuts to really nuts and psychics were either innocently crazy or blood-sucking leeches.
My Heart Will Go On
Tragedy struck moments ago when I tried to purchase a bag of Raisinets from the downstairs vending machine but accidentally pressed the number for a peanut granola bar. I'm trying to be strong but. . . God, how could you let this happen?
Actually the granola bar wasn't that bad. At least I didn't get a stinking Payday.
Tragedy struck moments ago when I tried to purchase a bag of Raisinets from the downstairs vending machine but accidentally pressed the number for a peanut granola bar. I'm trying to be strong but. . . God, how could you let this happen?
Actually the granola bar wasn't that bad. At least I didn't get a stinking Payday.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Pope Turns Back the Clock
A while back, it seemed that the church was making sensible statements about Intelligent Design. Just got cancelled out.
A while back, it seemed that the church was making sensible statements about Intelligent Design. Just got cancelled out.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Teen Titans: Fear Itself
Do you know which superheroes are in the Teen Titans? Unless you're a kid or a comic book geek, here's the current WB cartoon lineup:
Robin: Batman's sidekick. Bats is never directly mentioned but Gotham City comes up a lot and supervillains rob Wayne Enterprises every other episode.
Beast Boy: Goofy green kid who can turn into any animal, including dinosaurs and whales. However, whatever the animal, his skin, hair, scales, etc. remain green. Like this.
Cyborg: Bionic man with the machinery on the outside. Some people have criticized the show because Cy is the only black character but one is orange and another green.
Raven: Half-demon Goth chick with magic powers. In the Breakfast Club standards of teen stereotypes, she is the bitter loner who only speaks in sarcasm.
Starfire: Orange alien with green eyes (not just the iris, the entire eye), capable of flight, super strength, and firing green energy bolts. My five-year old's favorite.
Teen Titans replaced Blue's Clues as Devilgirl and -boy's most requested show. It's not educational in the least bit but is far less annoying than Pokemon. The latest DVD, Fear Itself, has six episodes:
Fear Itself: The night after the team fights the uber-geek Control Freak (a sci-fi geek with a remote control that changes reality and a love for quoting George Lucas movies), they are attacked by an unstoppable monster out of a horror video. This episode causes the kids to scream a lot, especially when Starfire gets grabbed.
Every Dog Has His Day: A green alien dog runs away from its owner, a giant alien brat, and switches places with Beast Boy. Beast Boy is zapped repeatedly by the alien, causing his eyes to bulge out comically. Kids never get sick of this.
How Long Is Forever?: Starfire is thrown into the future, where the Teen Titans have become the Middle-Aged Losers. Much screaming when Starfire is blasted through time.
Only Human: Cyborg fights a robot-bigot who hates all humans (like an unfunny Bender). A very special episode indeed.
Terra: The Teen Titans meet another teenager with superpowers. Although they ask her to join, their arch-enemy, Slade, breaks them apart. Set up for a future episode where they wind up as enemies.
Date With Destiny: The episode for parents who shelled out the money for the stinking DVD in the first place. Killer Moth is on the verge of defeating the Titans and taking over the city when his bratty daughter demands that he find her a date to the prom. Setting his evil plans on hold, Moth forces Robin to take her. Poor Moth would have ruled the world if only he'd had the sense to stay single. Devilboy and crew don't seem to like this one as much as I do.
Do you know which superheroes are in the Teen Titans? Unless you're a kid or a comic book geek, here's the current WB cartoon lineup:
Robin: Batman's sidekick. Bats is never directly mentioned but Gotham City comes up a lot and supervillains rob Wayne Enterprises every other episode.
Beast Boy: Goofy green kid who can turn into any animal, including dinosaurs and whales. However, whatever the animal, his skin, hair, scales, etc. remain green. Like this.
Cyborg: Bionic man with the machinery on the outside. Some people have criticized the show because Cy is the only black character but one is orange and another green.
Raven: Half-demon Goth chick with magic powers. In the Breakfast Club standards of teen stereotypes, she is the bitter loner who only speaks in sarcasm.
Starfire: Orange alien with green eyes (not just the iris, the entire eye), capable of flight, super strength, and firing green energy bolts. My five-year old's favorite.
Teen Titans replaced Blue's Clues as Devilgirl and -boy's most requested show. It's not educational in the least bit but is far less annoying than Pokemon. The latest DVD, Fear Itself, has six episodes:
Fear Itself: The night after the team fights the uber-geek Control Freak (a sci-fi geek with a remote control that changes reality and a love for quoting George Lucas movies), they are attacked by an unstoppable monster out of a horror video. This episode causes the kids to scream a lot, especially when Starfire gets grabbed.
Every Dog Has His Day: A green alien dog runs away from its owner, a giant alien brat, and switches places with Beast Boy. Beast Boy is zapped repeatedly by the alien, causing his eyes to bulge out comically. Kids never get sick of this.
How Long Is Forever?: Starfire is thrown into the future, where the Teen Titans have become the Middle-Aged Losers. Much screaming when Starfire is blasted through time.
Only Human: Cyborg fights a robot-bigot who hates all humans (like an unfunny Bender). A very special episode indeed.
Terra: The Teen Titans meet another teenager with superpowers. Although they ask her to join, their arch-enemy, Slade, breaks them apart. Set up for a future episode where they wind up as enemies.
Date With Destiny: The episode for parents who shelled out the money for the stinking DVD in the first place. Killer Moth is on the verge of defeating the Titans and taking over the city when his bratty daughter demands that he find her a date to the prom. Setting his evil plans on hold, Moth forces Robin to take her. Poor Moth would have ruled the world if only he'd had the sense to stay single. Devilboy and crew don't seem to like this one as much as I do.
Husky Women and Strong Language
You read all sorts of articles, supposedly written about unfair practices of the past. Most are fakes.
Snopes says this isn't.
And this was intended to be helpful. You have to wonder what a smart-ass would have come up with.
You read all sorts of articles, supposedly written about unfair practices of the past. Most are fakes.
Snopes says this isn't.
And this was intended to be helpful. You have to wonder what a smart-ass would have come up with.
I've Wasted My Life
Via Pseudojournalist
| You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts) |
 You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker. |
Via Pseudojournalist
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
NFL Cheerleaders Sex Scandal
Now that ought to bring in some hits.
So, you're in a bar and two NFL cheerleaders go into the bathroom and start making love to each other. Isn't that one of the things you've always wanted to happen in a bar but it never did? I would have thought better of Tampa bar-goers. Couldn't just wait or use and empty mug, eh your highness?
Maybe it was because the two were from out of state but they should be used to that in Tampa.
Now that ought to bring in some hits.
So, you're in a bar and two NFL cheerleaders go into the bathroom and start making love to each other. Isn't that one of the things you've always wanted to happen in a bar but it never did? I would have thought better of Tampa bar-goers. Couldn't just wait or use and empty mug, eh your highness?
Maybe it was because the two were from out of state but they should be used to that in Tampa.
Upside Down X-Mas Tree
I was in a creative writing seminar with a writer who used an upside down Christmas tree in a scene. Now available at Target.
If you're into upside down trees, go buy one. Just don't use it as proof that you're a daring nonconformist because you shop at a chain store.
I was in a creative writing seminar with a writer who used an upside down Christmas tree in a scene. Now available at Target.
If you're into upside down trees, go buy one. Just don't use it as proof that you're a daring nonconformist because you shop at a chain store.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Real Kong
They discovered the fossils of hobbits a while back--now we have giant apes and humans living together.
They discovered the fossils of hobbits a while back--now we have giant apes and humans living together.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Which Evil California Proposition Are You?
You are Prop 78!
You are the proposition with a sense of humor.
Drug manufacturers pretending to care about the
sick and poor among us? Hysterical. Too bad
Prop 79 is going to kick your ass.
Which evil California proposition are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Prop 78!
You are the proposition with a sense of humor.
Drug manufacturers pretending to care about the
sick and poor among us? Hysterical. Too bad
Prop 79 is going to kick your ass.
Which evil California proposition are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Saturday, November 05, 2005
| This Is My Life, Rated | |
| Life: |  5 |
| Mind: | 5.2 |
| Body: |  3.3 |
| Spirit: | 3.2 |
| Friends/Family: |  4.5 |
| Love: | 3.6 |
| Finance: | 3.9 |
| Take the Rate My Life Quiz | |
Man, I stink. And suicide booths won't be invented for another 1,000 years.
Godzilla Scandal
Everything you know is wrong--Godzilla only officially appeared in one movie (Godzilla, King of the Monsters (1954)). Other than that (plus remakes like Godzilla 1985 and the stupid American version starring Ferris Buehler) Godzilla never appeared in another movie.
Godzilla never fought Mothra, Rodan, King Kong, Mechagodzilla, Ghidrah, Angilas, Spigas, the Smog Monster or anyone else.
In all those cases, the monster called Godzilla was really Gigantis.
Gigantis, the Fire Monster (1959) was sort of a sequel to Godzilla, with two mutant prehistoric monsters--Gigantis and Angilas-- awakened from the sea and brought havoc to modern Japan. At the end of the movie, Gigantis was buried in an avalanche and left under a mountain of ice. A few years later, he broke free and suddenly everyone called him Godzilla.
Gigantis came out a few years after the original Godzilla movie and bombed in both Japan and America. The monster was still a guy in a rubber suit that looked exactly like Godzilla except for slight modifications with the teeth and ears.
Toho Productions decided to go with name recognition so when the monster got loose again in 1962, it was King Kong vs. Godzilla. There's never been an official explanation--continuity doesn't matter a whole lot in giant monster movies.
It's not that Gigantis is known for his conversation so it doesn't really matter but the real Godzilla died at the end of his first movie (which most people have never seen) and most of his fame comes from an entirely different monster.
Everything you know is wrong--Godzilla only officially appeared in one movie (Godzilla, King of the Monsters (1954)). Other than that (plus remakes like Godzilla 1985 and the stupid American version starring Ferris Buehler) Godzilla never appeared in another movie.
Godzilla never fought Mothra, Rodan, King Kong, Mechagodzilla, Ghidrah, Angilas, Spigas, the Smog Monster or anyone else.
In all those cases, the monster called Godzilla was really Gigantis.
Gigantis, the Fire Monster (1959) was sort of a sequel to Godzilla, with two mutant prehistoric monsters--Gigantis and Angilas-- awakened from the sea and brought havoc to modern Japan. At the end of the movie, Gigantis was buried in an avalanche and left under a mountain of ice. A few years later, he broke free and suddenly everyone called him Godzilla.
Gigantis came out a few years after the original Godzilla movie and bombed in both Japan and America. The monster was still a guy in a rubber suit that looked exactly like Godzilla except for slight modifications with the teeth and ears.
Toho Productions decided to go with name recognition so when the monster got loose again in 1962, it was King Kong vs. Godzilla. There's never been an official explanation--continuity doesn't matter a whole lot in giant monster movies.
It's not that Gigantis is known for his conversation so it doesn't really matter but the real Godzilla died at the end of his first movie (which most people have never seen) and most of his fame comes from an entirely different monster.
Jeff Rovin's The Encyclopedia of Monsters
Some factoids I picked up:
The movie The Beast from 20,000 Fanthoms was not based on the Ray Bradbury story by the same name (as is widely reported). Originally the movie was called Monster from the Sea but someone noticed a similarity between Bradbury's story and the movie before they began shooting (both monsters are prehistoric throw-backs from the days of the dinosaurs and both arrive at lighthouses). The monster in the movie was designed to look like the illustrations from the story but nothing else was changed in the working script. Bradbury changed the name of his story when it was reprinted.
Writer Edmond Hamilton brought up the issue of global warming in 1940 in his story "Liline, the Moon Girl," published in Amazing Stories but presented it as entirely positive.
William O. Douglas Jr., son of Supreme Court Justice, was a B-movie actor and appeared in the Outer Limits episode "The Galaxy Being" in 1963.
Some of the featured films included:
Cy Roth's Fire Maidens from Outer Space (1956)
Dan Milner's The Phantom From 10,000 Leagues (1956) (sea monster from 10,000 leagues down; 10,000 leagues equals 30,000 miles--the earth's diameter is only about 8,000 miles)
Dan Milner's Tabanga (1957) Movie about a killer, man-eating tree
Tom Graeff's Teenagers from Outer Space (1959)
Ray Kellogg's The Giant Gila Monster (1959) and The Killer Shrews (also 1959)
Bernard L. Kowalski's The Giant Leeches (1959)
Joseph Green's The Brain that Wouldn't Die (1962)
Jack Woods' Equinox (released on video as The Beast) (1971) Cameo by Fritz Leiber.
William F. Claxton's Night of the Lepus (1972)
Douglas Cheek's C.H.U.D. (1984)
Fred Dekker's Night of the Creeps (1986) featuring the canine that gave the name to Evil Dog magazine.
Some factoids I picked up:
The movie The Beast from 20,000 Fanthoms was not based on the Ray Bradbury story by the same name (as is widely reported). Originally the movie was called Monster from the Sea but someone noticed a similarity between Bradbury's story and the movie before they began shooting (both monsters are prehistoric throw-backs from the days of the dinosaurs and both arrive at lighthouses). The monster in the movie was designed to look like the illustrations from the story but nothing else was changed in the working script. Bradbury changed the name of his story when it was reprinted.
Writer Edmond Hamilton brought up the issue of global warming in 1940 in his story "Liline, the Moon Girl," published in Amazing Stories but presented it as entirely positive.
William O. Douglas Jr., son of Supreme Court Justice, was a B-movie actor and appeared in the Outer Limits episode "The Galaxy Being" in 1963.
Some of the featured films included:
Cy Roth's Fire Maidens from Outer Space (1956)
Dan Milner's The Phantom From 10,000 Leagues (1956) (sea monster from 10,000 leagues down; 10,000 leagues equals 30,000 miles--the earth's diameter is only about 8,000 miles)
Dan Milner's Tabanga (1957) Movie about a killer, man-eating tree
Tom Graeff's Teenagers from Outer Space (1959)
Ray Kellogg's The Giant Gila Monster (1959) and The Killer Shrews (also 1959)
Bernard L. Kowalski's The Giant Leeches (1959)
Joseph Green's The Brain that Wouldn't Die (1962)
Jack Woods' Equinox (released on video as The Beast) (1971) Cameo by Fritz Leiber.
William F. Claxton's Night of the Lepus (1972)
Douglas Cheek's C.H.U.D. (1984)
Fred Dekker's Night of the Creeps (1986) featuring the canine that gave the name to Evil Dog magazine.
Plastic Man
Here's an abbreviated list of graphic novels I meant to write about but never got around to it:
Spider-Man: Blue: Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale; Batman: Hush: Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee; JLA: Trial by Fire: Joe Kelly and Doug Mahnke; JLA: New World Order: Grant Morrison; JLA: Another Nail. Alan Davis and Mark Farmer (containing every character in the Pre-Crisis DC universe--if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you might want to sit this one out); Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth: Grant Morrison, illustrated by Dave McKean; The New Smithsonian Book of Comic Book Stories From Crumb to Clowes, edited by Bob Callahan.
The one that actually motivated me to write was Plastic Man: On the Lam, written by Kyle Baker (who recently worked with Aaron McGruder and Reginald Hudlin in Birth of a Nation).
Plastic Man was always one of the sillier superheroes ever since he was created back in the 1940s. His original artist even sold cartoons to Playboy of Plas doing such non-heroic acts as groping women from a block away (yeah, they could have done this with Superman's X-ray vision but they didn't even consider it). Baker's artwork matches the irreverent tone of some very funny situations:
FBI agent: "Uh, do you really think we should do this? I mean, we're the FBI! We can't just massacre civilians in a house of worship!"
CO: "You must be the new guy."
The story involves Plastic Man's struggle with his arch-enemy Eel O'Brian who was transformed from normal guy to superfreak almost exactly as the Joker.
The Joker was originally a villain called the Red Hood. While he was robbing a factory full of toxic goo, Batman surprised him, forcing him to swim through raw chemical run-off to make his escape. He got away but the chemicals mutated him into his present chalk white, green-haired Clown Prince of Crime.
Eel O'Brian was robbing the Crawford Chemical Works when a guard surprised and shot him, and caused him to be doused by a vat of acid. Abandoned by his gang, Eel crawled through chemical slop until he lost consciousness but was saved by the leader of a conveniently located monastery. Nursed back to health, Eel found that the chemicals transmogrified his body--he'd become plastic, capable of changing shape into anything he could imagine. Inspired by the monks, Eel turned from crime to become the world's goofiest superhero. Naturally the one criminal Plastic Man was never able to capture was the notorious Eel O'Brian.
In Baker's tale, when Plas is assigned to investigate a murder allegedly committed by Eel O'Brian, he winds up losing his secret identity, his status as a hero, and his even goofier sidekick, Woozy Winks.
In the early days of Mad Magazine, they ran a Plastic Man parody that tried to be sillier than the original. Baker must have read that issue because some of his scenes are dead-on imitations of Mad's treatment; Plastic Man parodies the parody and the story moves along without losing speed. The solution to the murder is unexpected but obvious in hindsight and manages to be as subversive and sweet as a good Simpsons episode.
Flipping through, I stopped at random on a page with lines like "It's a good thing fish have no civil rights" and "Eeew! You melted my butt." What's not to like?
Here's an abbreviated list of graphic novels I meant to write about but never got around to it:
Spider-Man: Blue: Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale; Batman: Hush: Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee; JLA: Trial by Fire: Joe Kelly and Doug Mahnke; JLA: New World Order: Grant Morrison; JLA: Another Nail. Alan Davis and Mark Farmer (containing every character in the Pre-Crisis DC universe--if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you might want to sit this one out); Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth: Grant Morrison, illustrated by Dave McKean; The New Smithsonian Book of Comic Book Stories From Crumb to Clowes, edited by Bob Callahan.
The one that actually motivated me to write was Plastic Man: On the Lam, written by Kyle Baker (who recently worked with Aaron McGruder and Reginald Hudlin in Birth of a Nation).
Plastic Man was always one of the sillier superheroes ever since he was created back in the 1940s. His original artist even sold cartoons to Playboy of Plas doing such non-heroic acts as groping women from a block away (yeah, they could have done this with Superman's X-ray vision but they didn't even consider it). Baker's artwork matches the irreverent tone of some very funny situations:
FBI agent: "Uh, do you really think we should do this? I mean, we're the FBI! We can't just massacre civilians in a house of worship!"
CO: "You must be the new guy."
The story involves Plastic Man's struggle with his arch-enemy Eel O'Brian who was transformed from normal guy to superfreak almost exactly as the Joker.
The Joker was originally a villain called the Red Hood. While he was robbing a factory full of toxic goo, Batman surprised him, forcing him to swim through raw chemical run-off to make his escape. He got away but the chemicals mutated him into his present chalk white, green-haired Clown Prince of Crime.
Eel O'Brian was robbing the Crawford Chemical Works when a guard surprised and shot him, and caused him to be doused by a vat of acid. Abandoned by his gang, Eel crawled through chemical slop until he lost consciousness but was saved by the leader of a conveniently located monastery. Nursed back to health, Eel found that the chemicals transmogrified his body--he'd become plastic, capable of changing shape into anything he could imagine. Inspired by the monks, Eel turned from crime to become the world's goofiest superhero. Naturally the one criminal Plastic Man was never able to capture was the notorious Eel O'Brian.
In Baker's tale, when Plas is assigned to investigate a murder allegedly committed by Eel O'Brian, he winds up losing his secret identity, his status as a hero, and his even goofier sidekick, Woozy Winks.
In the early days of Mad Magazine, they ran a Plastic Man parody that tried to be sillier than the original. Baker must have read that issue because some of his scenes are dead-on imitations of Mad's treatment; Plastic Man parodies the parody and the story moves along without losing speed. The solution to the murder is unexpected but obvious in hindsight and manages to be as subversive and sweet as a good Simpsons episode.
Flipping through, I stopped at random on a page with lines like "It's a good thing fish have no civil rights" and "Eeew! You melted my butt." What's not to like?
Hung Like a Whale
Is the elusive sea serpent some unknown species of marine life? Or is it a giant whale penis? You make the call.
Is the elusive sea serpent some unknown species of marine life? Or is it a giant whale penis? You make the call.
Driving in the Car Pool Lane
Dr. Nick used cadavers but this guy got caught with a kick-boxing dummy.
Dr. Nick used cadavers but this guy got caught with a kick-boxing dummy.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Good News From the Vatican
Cardinal to World: We're Smarter than Protestants.
I'd like to become Pope (technically I could--the requirements are that 1. You're Catholic (and even bad Catholics who haven't been to mass in years and disagree with official policy count--hell, standards are so broad that they'd lump Covington and Nathan Singer in the "yes" column), 2. You're male (again, the way the rules are written, a transexual would still count, 3. You're alive (this is the most stringently enforced.)
Anyway I'd make about ten wide-spanning reforms (one of which would involve requirement #2) and resign.
Martin Sheen once worked on a documentary about the Vatican. He'd make a helluva Pope. Charlie could be Cardinal of Partying Down.
Cardinal to World: We're Smarter than Protestants.
I'd like to become Pope (technically I could--the requirements are that 1. You're Catholic (and even bad Catholics who haven't been to mass in years and disagree with official policy count--hell, standards are so broad that they'd lump Covington and Nathan Singer in the "yes" column), 2. You're male (again, the way the rules are written, a transexual would still count, 3. You're alive (this is the most stringently enforced.)
Anyway I'd make about ten wide-spanning reforms (one of which would involve requirement #2) and resign.
Martin Sheen once worked on a documentary about the Vatican. He'd make a helluva Pope. Charlie could be Cardinal of Partying Down.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Godel's Mathematical Proof of God's Existence
Godel was a brilliant mathematician at Princeton and a close friend of Einstein (he only ate food prepared by his wife or Albert). Among his more unusual theories was a design for a time machine that Einstein agreed would allow travel backwards. . . if certain physical properties of the universe exist (and most scientist now believe they don't).
He developed a mathematical proof of God which reads as follows:
Axiom 1. (Dichotomy) A property positive if and only if its negation is negative.
Axiom 2. (Closure) A property is positive if it necessarily contains positive property.
Theorem 1. A positive property is logically consistent (i.e., possibly it has some instance).
Definition. Something is God-like if and only if it possesses all positive properties.
Axiom 3. Being God-like is a positive property.
Axiom 4. Being a positive property is (logical, hence) necessary.
Definition. A property P is the essence of x if and only if x has P and P is necessarily minimal.
Theorem 2. If x is God-like, then being God-like is the essence of x.
Definition. NE(x): necessarily exists if it has an essential property.
Axiom 5. Being NE is God-like.
Theorem 3. Necessarily there is some x such that x is God-like.
Maybe it's just me but it doesn't seem overly convincing, but, then again, I majored in English.
Godel was a brilliant mathematician at Princeton and a close friend of Einstein (he only ate food prepared by his wife or Albert). Among his more unusual theories was a design for a time machine that Einstein agreed would allow travel backwards. . . if certain physical properties of the universe exist (and most scientist now believe they don't).
He developed a mathematical proof of God which reads as follows:
Axiom 1. (Dichotomy) A property positive if and only if its negation is negative.
Axiom 2. (Closure) A property is positive if it necessarily contains positive property.
Theorem 1. A positive property is logically consistent (i.e., possibly it has some instance).
Definition. Something is God-like if and only if it possesses all positive properties.
Axiom 3. Being God-like is a positive property.
Axiom 4. Being a positive property is (logical, hence) necessary.
Definition. A property P is the essence of x if and only if x has P and P is necessarily minimal.
Theorem 2. If x is God-like, then being God-like is the essence of x.
Definition. NE(x): necessarily exists if it has an essential property.
Axiom 5. Being NE is God-like.
Theorem 3. Necessarily there is some x such that x is God-like.
Maybe it's just me but it doesn't seem overly convincing, but, then again, I majored in English.
Disturbing Bible Quotes
You can probably find these all over the Internet but here's a few quotes that stick with you:
"When Israel had finished killing all the men of Ai in the fields and in the desert where they had chased them, and when every one of them had been put to the sword, all the Israelites returned to Ai and killed those who were in it. Twelve thousand men and women fell that day—all the people of Ai. For Joshua did not draw back the hand that held out his javelin until he had destroyed all who lived in Ai. But Israel did carry off for themselves the livestock and plunder of this city, as the Lord had instructed Joshua. So Joshua burned Ai and made it a permanent heap of ruins, a desolate place to this day. He hung the king of Ai on a tree and left him there until evening. At sunset, Joshua ordered them to take his body from the tree and throw it down at the entrance of the city gate.” (Joshua 8:24-30)
“When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations. . . then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy. . . Break down their altars. . . You must destroy all the peoples the Lord your God gives over to you. Do not look on them with pity. . . You must certainly put to the sword all who live in that town. Destroy it completely, both its people and its livestock.”
“Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.” I Samuel 15:3-4
“I will smash them one against the other, fathers and sons alike. I will allow no pity or mercy or compassion to keep me from destroying them” Jeremiah 13:14
“The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain. So the Lord said, “I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth--men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air--for I am grieved that I have made them.” (Genesis 6:6-7)
“And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the earth, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth; and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark. (Genesis 7:23)
“When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations--the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, seven nations larger and stronger than you--and when the Lord your God has delivered them over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy.” (Deuteronomy 7:1,2)
“At that time we took all his towns and completely destroyed them [the Canaanites]--men, women, and children. We left no survivors.” (Deuteronomy 2:34)
“A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to the tenth generation shall he not enter.” Deuteronomy 23:2
“For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is hunchbacked or dwarfed, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. No descendants of Aaron the priest who has any defects is to come near to present the offering made to the Lord by fire. (Leviticus 21:21)
“At the king’s command, the men who had falsely accused Daniel were brought in and thrown in the lions’ den, along with their wives and children. And before they reached the floor of the den, the lions overpowered them and crushed all their bones.” Daniel 6:24
“If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.” Exodus 21:20-21
“If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.” Deuteronomy 22:28-29
“Moses and Eleazar the priest did as the Lord commanded Moses. The plunder remaining from the spoils that the soldiers took was 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys, and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man. . . And the half, the portion of those who had gone out to war was 16,000, of which the tribute for the Lord was 32.” Numbers 31:31-40
(The soldiers were given 16,000 virgins; God was given 32. It's unclear what God did with the virgins)
Body Count by Book
Numbers 16:21-49 (God creates a plague that kills 14,700)
Numbers 25:1-9 (God kills 24,000 Jews for sleeping with Moabite women)
Numbers 25:16-17 and 31:7-8 (All men and king of Middianites killed; women and children sold into slavery)
Joshua 6: “Utterly destroyed all the city [of Jericho], man and woman, youn and old, and ox. . . with the edge of the sword.”
Joshua 8:1-30: 12,000 people of city of Ai, men, women, and children
Judges 1:4: 10,000 Perizzites and Canaanites
Judges 3:20: 10,000 Moabites
Judges 8:10: 120,000 Midianites
1 Samuel 6:19: 50,070 people, in part for looking inside the Ark
2 Samuel 24:15: 70,000 from a plague, Â&#Israel the Lord sent a plague on Isreal”
2 Kings 19:35: 185,000 Assyrians, killed by an angel of the Lord
You can probably find these all over the Internet but here's a few quotes that stick with you:
"When Israel had finished killing all the men of Ai in the fields and in the desert where they had chased them, and when every one of them had been put to the sword, all the Israelites returned to Ai and killed those who were in it. Twelve thousand men and women fell that day—all the people of Ai. For Joshua did not draw back the hand that held out his javelin until he had destroyed all who lived in Ai. But Israel did carry off for themselves the livestock and plunder of this city, as the Lord had instructed Joshua. So Joshua burned Ai and made it a permanent heap of ruins, a desolate place to this day. He hung the king of Ai on a tree and left him there until evening. At sunset, Joshua ordered them to take his body from the tree and throw it down at the entrance of the city gate.” (Joshua 8:24-30)
“When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations. . . then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy. . . Break down their altars. . . You must destroy all the peoples the Lord your God gives over to you. Do not look on them with pity. . . You must certainly put to the sword all who live in that town. Destroy it completely, both its people and its livestock.”
“Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.” I Samuel 15:3-4
“I will smash them one against the other, fathers and sons alike. I will allow no pity or mercy or compassion to keep me from destroying them” Jeremiah 13:14
“The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain. So the Lord said, “I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth--men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air--for I am grieved that I have made them.” (Genesis 6:6-7)
“And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the earth, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth; and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark. (Genesis 7:23)
“When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations--the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, seven nations larger and stronger than you--and when the Lord your God has delivered them over to you and you have defeated them, then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy.” (Deuteronomy 7:1,2)
“At that time we took all his towns and completely destroyed them [the Canaanites]--men, women, and children. We left no survivors.” (Deuteronomy 2:34)
“A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to the tenth generation shall he not enter.” Deuteronomy 23:2
“For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is hunchbacked or dwarfed, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. No descendants of Aaron the priest who has any defects is to come near to present the offering made to the Lord by fire. (Leviticus 21:21)
“At the king’s command, the men who had falsely accused Daniel were brought in and thrown in the lions’ den, along with their wives and children. And before they reached the floor of the den, the lions overpowered them and crushed all their bones.” Daniel 6:24
“If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.” Exodus 21:20-21
“If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.” Deuteronomy 22:28-29
“Moses and Eleazar the priest did as the Lord commanded Moses. The plunder remaining from the spoils that the soldiers took was 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys, and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man. . . And the half, the portion of those who had gone out to war was 16,000, of which the tribute for the Lord was 32.” Numbers 31:31-40
(The soldiers were given 16,000 virgins; God was given 32. It's unclear what God did with the virgins)
Body Count by Book
Numbers 16:21-49 (God creates a plague that kills 14,700)
Numbers 25:1-9 (God kills 24,000 Jews for sleeping with Moabite women)
Numbers 25:16-17 and 31:7-8 (All men and king of Middianites killed; women and children sold into slavery)
Joshua 6: “Utterly destroyed all the city [of Jericho], man and woman, youn and old, and ox. . . with the edge of the sword.”
Joshua 8:1-30: 12,000 people of city of Ai, men, women, and children
Judges 1:4: 10,000 Perizzites and Canaanites
Judges 3:20: 10,000 Moabites
Judges 8:10: 120,000 Midianites
1 Samuel 6:19: 50,070 people, in part for looking inside the Ark
2 Samuel 24:15: 70,000 from a plague, Â&#Israel the Lord sent a plague on Isreal”
2 Kings 19:35: 185,000 Assyrians, killed by an angel of the Lord
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