Top Ten Ways for the Vatican to Raise Money

It's no secret that decreases in donations by American Catholics have hurt the Church financially. Now with a new pope who promises to maintain the line on birth control, male-only clergy, and hard-line divorce, here's how the Holy See can adapt:

10. Wiretap Kennedy confessionals.

9. Meat cleaver + microwave = ancient relics.

8. Forget the Gregorian calendar. Upgrade to Gatesian.

7. Add your face to Sistine Cathedral? $15,000 even.

6. Let's just say the Whore of Babylon might not be so figurative.

5. Statues! Statues! Statues! Gettem while they're hot!

4. Say hello to Cardinal Hasselhoff (the new guy's German).

3. Reveal secret gospel, the one with vampires and martians.

2. Open storage locker #433329-8, release Satan.

and the number one way to raise cash--

1. $59.99 down and Saturday sins don't count.